I was wrong

Quick post:

I'm currently in my 5th posting, few months shy away from MO-ship. Preparing my very best to be a safe doctor.

Housemanship is harsh. I learnt a damn lot, of course, but i in no-freaking-way will encourage anyone to get into it. It's cruel and inhumane.

Which brings me to the point of this post. If you read my whole rant, of how i curse off my medical school, well i'm eating my own shit now. I miss that school so damn much. I miss my doctors. I miss the cleanliness of my hospital. I miss my patients, dedicated and educated patients. I miss the awesome filing system there. I miss the system there, how they do things orderly. I miss the wards there didn't look like something fresh from old History textbook on war hospital. Or refugee camp or something.

I only realise, upon reflecting when i was down post scolding for things most of the time not even my fault, that i've been taught at a great medical school in such a tender manner. My doctors taught and emphasised me well on what is what. While some of them were scary, but at least i don't hate them. ok well i might hate SS but then his CV is awesome and he actually didn't personally trouble me and he did praise me once. But here...erm let's not start, because i promise myself to stop swearing.

I was wrong.

I had great time in medical school. Made awesome friends for life. Taught by great doctors. Met and inspired by great people. survived. And, learnt by heart, though i'm not really sure how i did that. i mean, i was quite a caveman there, but those cave time were spent on, well, games, movies, games.

I miss you, Jordan.

The End #4: Journey home

I'm home :))

Well, this probably means the end of this space, but who knows, if somehow i get bored and update this space with the final saga.

The feeling is great!! No more scheduled meals and eating gluttonously for fearing i might miss those precious meals, no more worrying about coming back to Jordan, no more using temporary items! I'll get my own bank account which i can manage by myself yay!!!!

Of course i fear of the commitments i'll have to make, but who cares about that now muahaha. As usual, things like that, plan now and worry later la.

I left Jordan in peace, i hope everyone in Jordan also let me go in peace too. So far i do not miss Jordan, but i do have some difficulty adapting here. I was very aggressive in Jordan, and my family did not know that so they were in great shock watching me amok at Secret Recipe just few minutes after i landed in Penang because my lemon tea was so sour. I crossed the streets without looking, and that almost sent my dad to ER because of possible angina. The food is really great here, really suits my taste bud so i'm fine in that category.

My journey home: I flew by Emirates for the first time, and it was great!!! During check-in, my baggage was 48kg, excess by 18kg. I kinda expected that so i just paid the penalty. Besides, what else could i do? Cargo-ing those stuff would probably cost the same, and give me headache for waiting and worrying about them. The downside was, they didn't allow me to pay the penalty for my connecting flight to Penang so i had to collect my stuff at KLIA. But that was actually a blessing in disguise hihi.

So, the first flight: Amman-Dubai. It was ok, the food was nice, i slept almost the entire flight. Only woke up for dinner and went to toilet afterwards, then back into deep sleep. I told my girls to pray for me to get awesome partner to sit beside me, not sure if they prayed or not. A very old American couple sat beside me, at first I was disappointed (was hoping for handsome gentleman :p), but they were so nice so i guessed maybe my girls did pray for me. Because my cabin luggage was so heavy, i had to take out my laptop and put under the front seat, but when i woke up from my coma, the laptop wasn't there. They helped me find it, by asking the nice old man sitting on the front seat :)

Then, the transit. Dubai Airport. It was so big, and i was alone. The first thing i searched after toilet and musolla was the meal voucher counter haha. My dad gave me very specific direction, but directionally-challenged me still had some troubles finding it. Then, i went to the farthest terminal (terminal C, i was in Terminal B) just to get my Thai cuisine, and it worth every steps i took. I'm so learning cooking Thai cuisine now! Then, went back to my terminal (the board said estimated time for walking between those terminal was 28 minutes. Went to eat, by the time i reached my terminal, i was hungry again grr)

After cleaning myself, i sat at those reclined-seat like an old man and waited for boarding. Didn't have to wait too long though, because i was so lost before, that 6 hours+ transit was actually like 3 hours transit minus the lost time. 3 hours+ = Toilet time for 1 hour, musolla time 1 hour, eating time 1 hour and the rest was spent resting on that  seat.

Then, boarding. I already selected an awesome seat online so i boarded like usual. Besides, the boarding pass given in Amman also stated my selected seat so i expected nothing..until the guy at boarding counter asked for my passport. I was like, whatev dude i just need my sleep (didn't sleep the entire night before, packing like a madman. PSA to all final year students: start packing for your going-back-for-good now!!!). Then, the guy looked at me twice to compare with the passport, and then gave me a new boarding pass and said, "Business class, enjoy!". It didn't sink in yet, until i went to the toilet in the gate, and looked at my new boarding pass and read/spelled clearly, BUSINESS. I lost my mind, whatsapped my family and my girls like crazy and then went back to the toilet to dance in euphoria.

the piece of joy

It was Airbus A380, and business class was on the upper deck. During my very first  flight to Jordan, i got business class seat too on Boeing Jumbo, 787 kot, but it was nothing compare to this time. That time, i had to climb some stairs to go to my seat, this time i rode an elevator straight to my seat. Also, because my very first flight to Jordan was chartered, business class that time only means wider seat and bigger screen, and because i sat directly behind the cockpit, the pilot invited us for cockpit little tour. Same treatment and food as everyone. This time, it's heaven. Heaven! Flat-bed seat with mattress, foods at my request anytime, shelf filled with drinks, Bvlgari travel kit, dining on china alhamdulillah..I didn't want to sleep at first because i wanted to savour every second there, but i had to succumb to my physiological need. But at least, i got to sleep like a boss in that flat bed seat :) .. I'm not sure why i got upgraded, either because i paid the excess baggage like a boss, or they saw my stethoscope in my backpack. You know, doctors sometime can get free upgrade to business class, according to my untrustworthy friend. Or probably Emirates knew i just graduated and wanted to celebrate it.

Anyway, the highlight was..i wasn't sure how i slept, but when i woke up after breakfast, my ring (my only ring) was gone! The ring! I went into panic mode, ran to the toilet, checked the bin, checked my seat hundreds times, and finally saw it.

See that arrow? My ring fell into the small space under the seat. I tried to reach it, but accidentally pushed it further inside. At that time, the plane was already descending! I thought, ah just let it go la, can find another ring in KLIA that probably looked the same, mom won't notice it. But then, money money money!! So, after everyone were out, i informed the stewardess about my ring. She opened the seat cover and sought for the ring, but she couldn't find it so she called another steward, and the chain continued. At last, almost all the cabin crews knew about my ring, and 5 of them were searching for it seriously. While waiting, some of them took me for business class tour, and offered me foods (again!) but i declined because i was too anxious and full. Finally, 2 of the 5 saw the ring and they decided to call the aircraft engineer to get it because it was unreachable by hand or normal tools. After 5 minutes, the engineer arrived, he's local Chinese and looked annoyed but i didn't care. I just needed my ring. He opened the seat, like really opened the seat, taking out screws and things and still couldn't see it. He asked me and the 2 cabin crew again if we really saw my ring or mistaken it with the screws (my ring is white gold, but it's shining so i was confident i did see my ring). I firmly said i did see my ring, but the cabin crew began to doubt themselves..Anyway, he kept on searching, and opened the seat more and more until only the metal frame left. His friend also came to help and brought more tools.

Finally, after 30-40 minutes of waiting, the engineer finally saw my ring! It was so deep, even with his awesome tools, it was so hard to take it out. After careful reaching in, he finally got to grab the ring and take it out safely :) Everyone was cheering like mad that time haha. They asked me if the ring was important, i said yes, very important. Then, they asked, is that your wedding band? haha. Also, that time, the land crew kept bugging the cabin crew asking whether the flight was ready to embark, our cabin crew were quite pissed off with them and used me as an excuse for the delay in a cheeky way, which is totally right. If the KUL-DUBAI trip that night was delayed, i sincerely apologise, because it was single-handedly my fault haha.

The ring, nicknamed as the stubborn ring by the cabin crews. Has the power to scare away flirtatious guys.

Then, i got out from the flight and stumbled upon other cabin crew on the way to immigration, and everyone asked about my ring haha. I just showed them my ring finger and grinned widely. We proceeded to collect our bags..and..i was stumped by the ridiculous number of police there. All my bags and boxes arrived safely, by the way.

There were around 20-30 policemen escorting some Koreans loosely. I caught a glimpse of those Koreans, and thinking ah probably some diplomats. I was very close to them so i couldn't stare at them longer because it'd be rude. But then, a women dashed to me, and clicking her phone overzealously. I gave her "the" look, but she kept on clicking, and the Koreans and the police didn't do anything, they didn't even get mad so i just bore with it. Because the troop was so slow, i overtook them and hurriedly went to catch my Penang flight.

At the arrival gate, there were lots of women screaming at the top of their lungs words i couldn't fathom..and clicking their cameras, complete with fans and boards saying "Lee Min Ho". Ooook, so the Koreans were Lee Min Ho and his gang la. Hurm...if only he was a Linkin Park. Anyway, i braved my way forward and went upstairs for departure.

I wrapped my boxes again, and queued to drop my bag. At the counter, again, i told the man in advance that  i had to pay for excess baggage. And alhamdulillah everything went well, the man somehow managed to make me pay ridiculously low amount for that 18kg :) rm5/kg hihi. Then i went straight to the gate, only to find out my flight was delayed for 40 minutes. Played Ace Traffic while waiting, and some Japanese old men were so fascinated by it and offered to help, but also failed haha. That level was so hard!

Then, penang flight: slept the entire flight, didn't even realize anything, taking off, landing, refreshment. At Penang, collected all my bags and boxes, and waited for my family for 3 hours, they were stuck in massive traffic jam because of accidents :(.. I waited at Secret Recipe, and ordered Tomyam Mee (because i was still high on Thai cuisine) and Iced Lemon Tea, and mengamuk as per above reason. They made me new drink and made me taste the drink beforehand after that. Ate my food slowly because it was too hot, and finally 3 hours later my family came, and finished it. And we went to heaven (home sweet home) after that :)

All in all, it was the most memorable journey i've ever had, and it should be. It was the clear transitional period, from a mere girl to a woman full of commitments. I was so afraid i'd weep the entire journey, but thank god the journey itself was so adventurous and exciting to keep my mind busy. With this, i bid adieu to Jordan, and i wish for the best to us all.

ps: This very long post is written on 3 jetlagged nights.

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The End #3 : Disastrous

I need time to cool down before i can write about the convocation. It was a remedial lesson for me to never trust anyone.

So, to cool down and keep my head from mourning about that day, i kept myself busy today, settling my certificates and such, tracking my lost parcel, replying all emails and lastly, educating myself on how to launch  into housemanship.

And i found out, in one of the forms, they listed the hospitals for us housemen-to-be to choose from like this:

1.                     HOSP. TUNKU FAUZIAH, KANGAR

2.                     HOSP. SULTANAH BAHIYAH, ALOR SETAR

3.                     HOSP. SULTAN ABDUL HALIM, SUNGAI PETANI

4.                     HOSP. KULIM, KEDAH

5.                     HOSP. PULAU PINANG

6.                     HOSP. SEBERANG JAYA

7.                     HOSP. TAIPING, PERAK

8.                     HOSP. IPOH

9.                     HOSP. TELUK INTAN

10.                  HOSP. SERI MANJUNG, PERAK

11.                  HOSP. KUALA LUMPUR

12.                  HOSP. TENGKU AMPUAN RAHIMAH, KLANG

13.                  HOSP. SELAYANG, SELANGOR

14.                  HOSP. KAJANG, SELANGOR

15.                  HOSP. SERDANG, SELANGOR

16.                  HOSP. AMPANG, SELANGOR

17.                  HOSP. SUNGAI BULOH, SELANGOR

18.                  HOSP. TUANKU JAA’FAR, SEREMBAN

19.                  HOSP. TUANKU AMPUAN NAJIHAH, KUALA PILAH

20.                  HOSP. MELAKA

21.                  HOSP. PAKAR SULTANAH FATIMAH, MUAR

22.                  HOSP. SULTANAH AMINAH, JOHOR BAHRU

23.                  HOSP. BATU PAHAT, JOHOR

24.                  HOSP. SULTAN ISMAIL, JOHOR

25.                  HOSP. TENGKU AMPUAN AFZAN, KUANTAN

26.                  HOSP. SULTAN HAJI AHMAD SHAH. TEMERLOH

27.                  HOSP. SULTANAH NUR ZAHIRAH, KUALA TERENGGANU

28.                  HOSP. RAJA PEREMPUAN ZAINAB II, KB

29.                  HOSP. UMUM SARAWAK, KUCHING

30.                  HOSP. SIBU, SARAWAK

31.                  HOSP. MIRI, SARAWAK
32.                  HOSP. QUEEN ELIZABETH, KOTA KINABALU

33.                  HOSP. TAWAU, SABAH

34.                  HOSP. DUCHESS OF KENT, SANDAKAN, SABAH

35.                  HOSP. UNIV. KEBANGSAAN MALAYSIA(HUKM)

36.                  PUSAT PERUBATAN UNIV. MALAY (PPUM)

37.                  HOSP. UNIV. SAINS MALAYSIA (HUSM)

38.                  HOSP. PUTRAJAYA

 From the top, it's from north to the south, then to the east. Made it easier for me to choose haha. By the way, all my chosen hospitals are the dreadful ones, the ones people trying their best to avoid and the ones where doctors there would laugh their asses off if they knew  people (me) actually apply there willfully. Oh well, what to do, those are the closest hospitals to my family/home. Which somehow got me thinking, maybe it's geographical factors that made senior doctors there behave like that. Too much rain maybe. So maybe, maybe, if i flatten Bukit Larut, rain will pour down less frequent and maybe then, those doctors will behave more humanely. A point to ponder.

The End #2

Yesterday was the day i took the oath. THE OATH. With Allah as my witness. I expected the ceremony to be more "touchy", it's the moment we swore to dedicate our life as doctors, help the needy regardless their belief, whether they are friends or foes. But oh well, it's Jordan. I even slept for a good while, because my stupid head couldn't fathom the language. But it's nice, though i had severe hijab crisis. I shipped off almost all my scarves, and just few hours before the ceremony, i realised i had no scarf to match with the dress. So i bought that rectangular shawl...and began was my suffering. I didn't know how to wear it so i just wrapped my head, but it became too short so when we arrived at the hall, i forced asked my friends to wrap my head for me. But that damned shawl became so wrinkled, made it really hard to form the top part nicely. At that time, i gave up and became so moody (hence the sleep during the ceremony). Also, my robe wasn't the robe i'd chose, it got changed somewhere whether at the robe office itself, or at the tailor or at the dry clean. The robe was soooo big, i looked like i wore a sack and my sloping shoulder didn't help either. Stress!

But, it will be one of the most memorable night in Jordan. The night i took the oath.

My parents weren't there, and i was quite upset actually. At first, like real first as in before they decided the date, i told them do whatever suits them, i won't be upset. I told them i won't be upset even a bit if they decided not to come at all. Well, i'm not sure now. They came earlier and by yesterday they already recovered from jetlag and continued their daily life as usual in Malaysia. I'm not sure whether i was upset due to their absence or because they just left me. Maybe if they didn't come at all, i'd be less upset. Maybe not. They told me to take lots of picture so they can get the feel too, but with the aforementioned severe fashion crisis, the chaos of the ceremony itself, and limited time, i only took few pictures which i haven't see yet because i was so depressed T_T. Will steal pictures from others and photoshop. I sat with the other girls who parents didn't come either and their company made me feel slightly better.

A lot of parents came, and i got to mingle with some. Quite a shock haha, i don't mingle with people my age well, let alone parents of people my age. This one mom however really attracted me. She's really strong, no wonder her daughter's such an angel. Let me tell you the story. (Disclaimer: I tell this story because it really motivates me to be a better, less whiny and less bratty person. I hope you will feel the same too.If it offends anyone, please let me know in the comment section.) The mom is a single mom with lots of children. Probably 10 kot, can't remember already. (told you my memory sucks). But her children are all great people, they hafaz the quran, they're nice, intelligent. The focus was on my friend, the daughter. She received the same scholarship as me, but with that money, she helped supporting her sister who studied islamic studies (not sure what exactly, again, my memory *$&%#*&). Both of them got excellent results in their study, and they bought their mom flight ticket to Jordan as surprise. Awesome, right? Ok if you don't feel they are awesome, it's my fault for not telling the story right, but trust me, they are really awesome and mature. I just looked at myself, and ashamed..Me, my parents had to come here just to help me packing because i'm just freaking hopeless at packing. Them..whoa. I could see the mom was glowing with pride while telling us the story.That time, i just want to go home to my parents, hug them and be a nice daughter. I'm not a bad daughter of course, but i never do something like that to my parents. It always them who take care of me. But as the mom said, her daughter was lucky because she can do good things like that at such a young age. My time will come too, and by then i hope i can take care of my parents as nicely as they took care of me.

Tomorrow, university convocation. I'll try wearing my 4" heels throughout the whole ceremony. I really really really need some height to drown that freaking big robe. And here's praying for a better tomorrow, no sad sad one again huhuhuhu.

The End #1

Alhamdulillah, I've graduated :)

It's late and everyone who reads this blog probably already knew, but i just need to write for the sake of completion of the quagmire hehe. I finished my last exam (oral Surgery, which scared me shitless, will write more in special final chapter, that is if i'm not lazy la) on 22/5/13, and i got my result the next day. I was among the very first students to see the result due to my ridiculously awesome survival skill.

That day, instead of feeling on top of the world, i just felt relieved, and that's it. 1 of my strongest motivation all these years, and specifically during the great final period was, once is enough, and again, alhamdulillah :)
It didn't kick in that i've graduated, until i have to fill some forms/update some information, i realized that i was no longer a student. Yet, it's not a happy feeling. It's heavy, feeling burdened which almost sent me direct into depression. Satisfaction? Not really. I tried my very best of course, studied the hardest i could in my entire life, but i did that not under my own will. I felt forced, and i had to do that because it was my responsibility.

Don't get me wrong. I still won't waive and change my path. I'm actually excited to enter the work field, meeting patients and treat them. That gives me satisfaction, helping people in need. (I sound saint right hahahahaha i told you people i'm baik!!). It's just, studying for final didn't feel the same and i was studying things i didn't (probably still don't) really like. But it's all in the past now so..

But one thing. I'm proud of myself :)

And i do think i deserve to. For those of you who know my whole story, i really do, right? To kill the past me and rise anew as almost completely different character was hard. I learnt a lot these past 6 years, to bow my head, to always smile, accept that i no longer the center of the universe, accept that i do not know a thing and have to ask, to socialize. I learnt a lot about myself, and accept my flaws and limits. I learnt a-whole-lot about people, and i accept that people will not care about you, people only care about themselves and that's fine. Ideally, if everyone only cares about themselves and threads carefully in every situations, tiptoes slowly and gracefully on narrow bridges, no one will get hurt, right? In that situation, those who do get hurt (the weak and the stupid) only have themselves to blame, and it's fair for everyone. Survival of the fittest, the rule of the nature. But of course, that's not how the real world is. I let go of things very dearly to me, tried to embrace things i once hated (which progressing slowly, but positively :) :).. ).

If i were to comment anything about my path to MBBS per se, it's not hard. Definitely not easy, but not hard.  Always, i barely studied and i passed, alhamdulillah. I guess i can say that's hidden blessing from Allah. My parents, especially my dad, prayed all the time for my study. I have trouble learning new languages so despite the 6 years living here, i still don't understand Arabic and the rounds didn't benefit me as much as i hoped, but i scraped through alive. My weak memory didn't help either. When i said weak, i mean really weak, as in when i read a long sentence in the textbook, by the 5th line i have to reread because i forget the point earlier. I can understand things easily (well it's not that hard) but in balance, i forget things easily too. But alhamdulillah, most of the times i always got nice examiners so..Even when i got the established malignant doctors as my examiners, they strangely were nice to me. Probably because they pitied me kot..

Anyway, it was a wonderful journey, filled with exhilarating ups and dejected downs. I sincerely thank everyone i've met in this journey and may Allah bless all of you. Sorry for everything.

The end is near

I'm now in final period, and god, this gotta be the most stressful week ever! I'll have my 3rd paper, Surgery, next Wednesday and god!!!!!!!!!

They're awful, the questions. I wish they were alive so i can beat them into pulp, kick them in their gonads to make sure there are no next generation of awful questions. By awful, i mean hard and ridiculous, you can't simply open the books to find answers. Thank god for the existence of Google..

I wish i can go to my doctors, beg them to just let me pass and swear in front of them that it's ok to let this idiot pass because this idiot has no slightest intention to become a surgeon.

Bloody surgery.

Must.stay.strong.
Must.keep.fighting.

Also, i'm sending my prayers to Malaysians. The truth will prevail tomorrow! All the best everyone!

Snotty update

So these confirm my "olivefever" theory. Just few more months, and that's it! Might as well enjoy my last attack of "olivefever". And that also means, i can't reside in most parts of Middle East (Egypt, Syria, Lebanon, Palestine) and some parts of Europe (Spain, Italy, Greece) during March-May (olive pollination period). It won't kill me, but i prefer clear nose and i love my back. Why back, you ask? Well apparently you have never tried to sleep with 3 pillows.

I might as well slam this to my dermatologist to end our argument on do i have allergy or not. But of course, he's kind of right, there is no olive in Malaysia so..

Anyway, the perks of being a medical student: extremely cheap and easy healthcare. I didn't have to wait to consult with my specialist, just crashed into the clinic and greeted him then blurted all my problems, then he wanted to prescribe me tests and medications but couldn't do so if i didn't register so i registered (the process was smooth and easy, took less than 10 minutes), then went into his clinic, again, without taking a number. Tips: wear the labcoat to have some authority in KAUH haha.

The consultation was free, but because of registration process, i had to pay JD0.15. So cheap i wanted to cry!

The test: CBC with differentials, IgE level and allergy inhalation panel.Total cost: JD5.70. Again, so cheap i wanted to cry! They told me allergy panel was gonna take a month, but i got my result in less than 2 weeks. I was lucky kot.

The medication: 3 months stock of loratidine and 1 week stock of clarythromycin. But they don't allow drug hoarding, so i could only take 1 month worth of loratidine. Cost of 30 loratidine + 7 clarythromycin: JD0.15. Extremely cheap hospital can go bankrupt one! Plus, no need to go to that haunted health centre.

I'm gonna miss KAUH and my doctors there..so much.

edit: i went the next month to fetch my monthly stock of loratidine, and it was free! so the JD 0.15 was for the whole 3 months of loratidine and 1 week of clarithromycin. so cheap!!!!! all hail KAUH!

Killer March

Throughout the almost 6 years i spent living here, this year might have the worst allergens yet. Last week, it started to warm up here, starting on Tuesday onwards, before it got cold again on weekend. The warmth means spring has kicked in. The sick spring..So on Tuesday night, my throat was literally on fire, i had a hard time swallowing my own saliva. On Wednesday, i had to sleep with 3 pillows because of severely congested airway, that equivalent to a 63-year-old woman with a known case of  interstitial lung fibrosis and heart failure with atrial fibrillation who was admitted due to pulmonary embolism. And my family med doctor was right, no one could sleep on 3 pillows, they'd break their back if they do that. And this week, i have my usual rhinorrhea with cough and sore throat every time i step outdoor. It's not as bad as last week btw, i guess my body takes time to warm up too..

Today, i had seminar on hypersensitvity, and i read the notes before the lecture. I rarely do that, but i just felt like it yesterday. Annnnnnd, after 6 years, only now i know that olive pollen is released in early spring, that is mid March, up to May. That precisely the period i'd be having my rhinitis and conjunctivitis! Oh if only i read/attend this lecture 2 years ago..(Lesson: READ/ATTEND/FOCUS ON THE LECTURES!)

As it is an allergy, it needs second exposure for the attack to develop. The first exposure prepare the mast cells with specific IgE receptor, so when the next exposure occurs, the mast cells will just run amok and degranulate and release all the inflammatory mediators. That will take some time, and maybe explained why i didn't really have symptoms in the first year.

The best treatment is avoidance, but since the allergens are in the air, and they are extremely tiny, there is no way for me to avoid them. And because it really bothers me, i asked my doctor how to manage my own case. His answer: Antihistamines should be helpful. Nasal corticosteroids is the best. Then i told him my brief history how antihistamines didn't really help, they just made it bearable, but i still have to blow my nose until it bleeds to clear the airway, he said, i should doubt my diagnosis. And then he said the phrase i scare the most: Come see me at my clinic. I can tell you everything there..

O.M.G.

That means allergy tests! I cursed my last prick test, i certainly do not want to repeat that!! Cursing in front of my own doctor who might be the one interviewing me and giving me marks..erm, not to mention, he's also the HOD of internal med dept, and is well known to be malignant during the exam.. There is this RAST test, not as awful as prick test but still..needle is not my forte. I cringed at glucocheck, i cried the whole 5 times of blood tests in my life, i took forever to prepare but still ended up crying at those IM jabs..I'm good with needle as long as it does not enter my skin. (not that i'm good handling them, i mean i'm not scare doing procedures)

Maybe i should just let it go..and suffer it the last time.More the reason to study hard, and graduate this year. Enough is enough, hayfever/pollen allergy/whatever thing i have in March-May in Jordan!

Sick Conundrum

I always malinger, for all the good reasons. Erm, if it was good reason, it wouldn't be call malingering right?  But the point is, i always visit the health centre whenever i feel under the weather. I am a medical student, i totally know what's wrong with me and how to treat it, but it's best to consult the real doctor, also, to get free drugs hahahahah. Being me, i have to keep my stash of antihistamines, mefenamic acid, steroid cream and paracetamol available at least enough for a week all the time. Ok i don't need mefenamic acid for a week, it's usually 1/month, but i'm OCD like that, it's nice to know i have a lot of it.

But then, i had to had Family Medicine course last year and screwed it. I performed extremely bad that i couldn't face my doctors there out of shame. It sucks that now i have to frequent the pharmacy and buy my own drugs. I did visit the health centre once though, when i had that sea urchin puncture and thought i was going to die. Damn you sea urchin, the next time i snorkel in Aqabah, i will extinct your population single-handedly.

Then, ironically, i felt really sick (got food poisoning, i thought i was going to die yesterday) today and i couldn't drag my ass off to the health centre and it got me thinking, what's the point of health centre really? To give free drugs to people like me, to give MC to other malingering gits, to do simple investigations of people with chronic disease, to follow up. But it has no role at all on helping really sick people pronto. Really sick people can barely run to the toilet to puke, let alone to get up, get dressed and go to the health centre.

And then, no health centre visit means no MC means absent for no reason to our doctor. I am lucky that i am now in Internal Medicine, they don't really give a damn on attendance and whatnot, but let say if i were in 5th year and in minor rotation that give a big fat damn on attendance, is it fair like this? You really are sick, but you have no evidence that you are sick because you're too sick to go get a proof that you're sick.

It's annoying like that, this world.

#update 4/5/2013: INTERNAL MED GAVE A BIG FAT DAMN ON ATTENDANCE! I GOT 0 FOR MY EVALUATION MARK GRRRR (CONFIRMED, I MET THE HOD AKA MY ALLERGIST)

It's coming

2013, finally..I've been waiting for this year since 31/8/2007, the moment i touched down in Amman Airport.  And i think i'm quite a lucky girl, i survive living here for 5 years *gasp!* and now it's only about 5-6 months before i leave this H-hole for good and you know how we often feel like the longest moments of waiting are always the few last ones? Well, being a lucky girl, this few last ones bolt like Bolt because well, i'm in Paeds rotation now and it's kinda busy since i have to write 20 cases, which i haven't start yet because of some technical problems. Just hope the coming rotation will feel like this too.

So paeds. To be honest, it doesn't feel as bad as in 4th year. In fact, i actually enjoy it more then the previous surgery. Kids are cute, small, some are annoying, some are just too cute and funny. I certainly enjoy my round in NICU, because babies in there mostly are too sick to cry and when they cry, it's sometimes a good thing and they are in incubator so the cries are not too loud and bothersome. And i think i harden up, i no longer choke or cry silently whenever i see babies with syndromes or diseases with poor prognosis.

Or maybe i just enjoy this rotation because of the abundant day-offs. Next week is the 5th week (if i'm not mistaken) and it's the 1st full week we'll have. We had the new year holiday, the awesome hibernation snow holidays, the maulidurrasul holiday (PBUH), the election holiday, the shorten day because of frost so yeah!  As usual, i slept a lot during those holiday haha, which has taken its toll on me, in my class graduation photo :((.  Last week we took the photo, and my face was so bloated it looks like someone on steroid, or with cushing syndrome. or a pregnant lady with PET. SUPER BLOATED wuaaaa. Maybe i should ask the committee to let me edit the photo and photoshop myself. The photo was taken right after i woke up from my lecture nap so..Dad said, it's ok, it makes it easier for him to recognize me, he can recognize me pronto even if  i place the photo 1m from him.

Anyway, i'm sleepy now so zzzzzz out. peace

Life update

So, brief version. Life's tough. Suck it.

Haha no la. Life's indeed tough, but i'm tougher. But seriously, it's getting tougher and tougher. Winter's settling, i hate cold it made me sick, my only plug sparks fire whenever i vacuum my room so there's no way i can use my electric heater, gas heater sickens me and gas price is ridiculously expensive, i'm in serious rotation so i need to go out at 7.15 everyday and since it's winter it's so dark outside (not to mention cold!!), i have exams in about 3 weeks time and i have no clue what i've learnt in surgery because i hate the materials so i didn't start studying AT ALL, the recurrent random idiopathic blackouts, my family kinda forget they actually have another member here struggling with life. Other than these, i'm fine, except these kinda summarize all my life here, so..

How tough life is, you ask?

See that pic above? That is my creative ep-830 earphones, left side. i accidentally tore the cover apart, and it freaked me out! In where i am right now with this economy, there's no way i could afford a brand new excellent in-ear noise isolating earphones like this. Yes, trust me ep-830 is the best earphones i've ever had. I had coby, JVC, Phillips and Sony before, i forgot their subtypes but all of them were labelled noise isolating in-ear, and all of them were priced higher than this one (i bought these at rm40 2 years ago from that gadget shop at Taman Pekaka near USM Nibong Tebal, it's a steal! I saw it in Amazon and it's USD40), but none of those came near this one. This baby, quoting my mom's words, "makes you hear voices inside your head and no, you're not schizophrenic. It's just an orchestra here circling around my head.". And it has a decent level of noise isolating, enough to drown those annoying arabic songs in the bus.

Erm..what was i talking about?

Ah..ok, so i taped it, and so far it held up well. Except that annoying tape sound whenever i wanna plug it out of my ear. shhhhhrrrrrrp. that kinda sound. Anyway, since the tape i used was wide, i cut it into half, and use the other half to tape the good side. In this economy, i couldn't afford to waste anything so..

prophylactic measurement

About 6-7 months before i left this place and hardship, i really hope i can hold everything together, and nothing from outside to stop me. Because i had/have enough, and i don't think i can prolong my stay even for a while, for the sake of my sanity and others' safety.

On melancholy hill

So Jordan gov decided to lift their subsidy which resulted into skyrocketed price of gas. Again. And it took effect immediately. Almost everything skyrocketed to ridiculous price. Last month, my bus fare was 0.35jd one way. Then the bus drivers had a strike one morning (everyone had to take a 5jd/4 cab ride to go to university that day), so the next day the price was 0.40jd, until yesterday. Today, it's 0.50jd. Let's not talk about other prices, like cab fare or groceries, that'll break my heart more.

I don't know, but i don't feel good. Heck i never feel good actually here, since ever.

People will be demonstrating like crazy this weekend, but i hope nothing real bad happen, at least until i graduate.

So, you guys, in case i go AWOL next week, start worrying and save me!

Anyway, I know from the beginning this situation is inevitable. Jordan is a country with no resources at all, no oil, infertile land, nothing to mine, no ocean to fish, nothing! Jordanians mostly suck and that worsen their already detrimental state of a country. They have great people, like my doctors, but the higher ups suck and the systems suck. And they are surrounded with nations at war which used to supply them oil and gas and food, so it's actually a miracle they still standing.

As a sponsored student, i think i can afford these hike, but i'm more worried, and pity actually, about Jordanian themselves. There are a lot of poor or dirt poor people who will have hard time coping, and i hope  and pray they will hold on to their conscience and not resort into crime..because they will always target us, foreigners.

God bless everyone..

Swimming fetus

Ok i really need to blog about this.

Earlier this morning, my friend and I saw a swimming fetus it's so cute!!!!!!! It's 10 weeks old, it's so tiny, then when the probe was on him, he wiggled and attempted to "climb" the sac. OMG it's so cute beyond words, it's the cutest thing ever, in my med school life. I regret not recording it and make it my screen saver.

This is the youtube version, but the one i saw is 100x cuter! haha bias much. But seriously, the one i saw live is cuter, he wiggled more rigorous and he's kinda doing back-flip!

Anyway, what a turnoff, thinking that i swam so much when i was a fetus, but after 22 years living on earth and exposed to wider pools, i can't swim. It's like evolving backward oh god i really should learn how to swim seriously and stop making a huge fuss whenever my ears are drenched.

Then, another highlight of the day: we took out a cannula from a newly discharged patient ON THE STREET OUTSIDE while waiting for taxi. Yeah who needs a nurse/room for that, that's so mainstream  -__- (disclaimer: this sentence is a joke don't start prejudice you humor-palsy people)

Stuffy nose remedy

This is breakthrough!

I've been suffering from severe hay fever these last 2-3 weeks, it disturbs my night sleep, and i kinda forget already how to breathe using my nose. I notice there is slight improvement with repositioning. Sitting is better than supine, and standing is better than sitting.

Funny thing is, my nose doesn't seem to clog much if i do some strenuous activity. I guess sympathetic stimulation plays a role in clearing the nose, so i got this idea. When my nose is clogged to the point i couldn't eat or speak because i need to use my mouth to breathe, instead of blowing nose so hard that almost injure other organs (i feel like i displace my scapula and have abdominal hernia sometimes) or applying vick or inhaling eucalyptus, how about exercising?

So i did just now, and it works miracle! In matter of seconds, my nose cleared! i rope-skipped, and it's by far the best and quickest remedy for stuffy nose. So, yay, and i'm so gonna pay revenge to my neighbour who keep screaming at the top of their lungs when i wanna go to sleep. You suckers, i'm so gonna skip at 3am and i will wear sport shoes, and if possible, i'll attach horse shoe at the sole! Now you know how it feels like. Oh if that's not enough, i'll play some dance music at max and dance until you're out of your mind. Technically if rope-skipping is effective, dancing must be effective too.

School talking, well i just finished the 5th year this morning with radiology mid-term paper. My friends who already finished the course kept reminding us how easy radiology was. I was this close *the distance between nail and nail bed* from slaughtering them. Heck it was bl00dy difficult, no time to write the answer. 1 of qs: they gave us pet scan which show increased uptake at abdominal lymph nodes. In history they said the patient had lymphoma with abdominal lymphadenopathy, underwent treatment. the q: what is your diagnosis?-->wtf right? it's obviously lymphoma why bother asking me again?! Btw i didn't write that because no time, i just wrote, lymphoma (not cure). I'm so dead i think i have to buy prime with my own money huuhuuhuu :((

All of my change I've spent on you

My camera was broken after my trip to re-discover Jordan. Re-discover, as in after 5 years living here only now i went to Petra, Jordan's treasure, one of the seven wonders. It's filled with shits literally as there were donkeys, camels, horses and dogs (and human) running around so it stinks, it's a damned place, it's dusty, crowded, hot, very big and it's not that great in my eyes. I wonder how it deserves to be one of the wonders, i mean, come on. It marked the accomplishment of the previous generation yes, but that's it. We all know human are great at adapting. In order to adapt with them living in the desert, they built that thing, carved the mountain to live inside it maybe because they don't have tree around so can't build rumah kayu. And then they bred and everything evolved, so Petra is just what's left of the ancient city. One day in the future, like year 4012, i guess people will be gawking into what's left of New York and claim ah human is great and clever. Same concept. As in seven wonders, i think Jeita Grotto in Lebanon is much much much more fascinating and wonderful. Lucky me i only paid 1jd to be in that shitty place. I'm not into that kind of thing so i was quite disappointed that day. Plus, I forgot to bring dexpanthenol so my face was so dry, itchy, swollen, reddish and burnt.

Then we went to Aqaba and Wadi Rum to save the mood yay!. Those two are my fav places in Jordan, if they're nearer i'd spent every weekend there.

And on the way home, i noticed my camera was broken. The lens cover was stuck, they couldn't close and exposed my lens. It must be because of the very fine sand particle in Wadi Rum entered the lens and jammed the system. Or because i accidentally "injured" my camera while slipping  it into my pocket.

So the next day (or the next next day don't remember sudah tua!), after resting, i tried to fix it dumbly. Lens cover stuck, ah can just pull the lens cover with forceps. I did it, yeah, lens cover closed, no gap, but my lens couldn't extend and it said "lens error". I totally freaked out at this moment! My camera rosak sudah, need to buy new one! So i checked my spending account, got money or not for new camera. Got got, back pain pays man!

So i googled for new camera's price hehe. I want a small camera with faster speed and nicer picture. The likes of Nikon J1/V1 or Pentax K-01. I always want a DSLR before, but i hate their huge ass size. Huge ass as in they don't fit into my handbag easily. I'm not a good photographer, i have no sense, no skill and no time (and will) to learn, and i always think only good photographer can own a huge ass camera, so when the mirrorless interchangeable lens camera came out, i jumped in joy eventhough i do not own them yet!

I was about to call my dad to survey those cameras and decide which one to buy, before i figured out hey let's try google lens error. Then i stumbled upon this, and chose the easiest way to try, smack the camera. I turned on the camera and smacked the camera lens down lightly onto my palm twice, and magically my lens can extend properly now! It's noisy though, when i turned it on, but it's functioning normally. I guess the tiny particle came out and stopped jamming the system. So yeah, no new camera yet, and the money can be channelled into something more useful, like eating doli's kotiau daily during my elective yay! Besides, it's more advantageous for me to get new camera next year, because those kind of cameras i want are still new to the market, and Canon hasn't produce them yet. I guess with Canon entering the field, the competition will become wilder and the price baseline will go down a bit. And i'm graduating next year, so i can ask for the camera as my graduation gift hihi. One year advance notice mom/dad/brada!

i'm coming, doli!

On the other hand, I'm currently in Anesthesia rotation and it's fun. Mostly we learn about drugs with narrow therapeutic index with death as side effects, and some techniques. Anesthetists don't seem to be busy, they have time to read Jane Austen in OT and sometimes laugh covertly when junior surgeon scolded by senior surgeon. They prep the patient for surgery, make sure everything is ok, then rest for the rest of the surgery, look at the monitor once in a while to check, when the surgery finishes they stop the anesthesia and wake the patient up and send them to the recovery room, observe, if the patient is fine (got criteria to decide how fine the patient is, but i forgot), send them to ward and that's it. Seems fun to me. Though learning it here is not that much fun because (damn you Adele i thought it's a banshee outside! my hair is all standing now! Stop wailing in the middle of the song please!!) of my lack of understanding of Arabic. I must be a retard, living here for 5 years and still don't understand most of time what the heck are my doctors' questions. I always end up babbling things that have nothing to do with the question if i answer at all, most of the time i said "i don't know" because that's much safer than saying "doctor i don't understand your question.". My landlord's bibik, when she came here, she knew nothing about Arabic, 4-5 months latter she communicates with us in Arabic. Lucky me almost all of my exams are conducted in English, except when i was examined by a moody woman who i suspect must be in her pre-menopausal period.

ps1: I listened to Safe and Sound by Taylor Swift and that hauntingly tribal song from Maroon 5, and i think Hunger Games must be a good movie because those songs are beautiful! Good movies always have good songs made for them. Crappy movies, they just use the songs available. So, movies to look forward to: Hunger Games, The Raid: Redemption<-- this one, shinoda made the score, awesome! and it's indonesian action movies, double awesome because asian action movies usually lack of cg so they perform the stunts themselves gracefully! remember chocolate? ong bak?

ps2: I pray for the best, for my country, and for everyone. Let's play fair, really. Keep fighting.

ps3: I wanna taste horlick mcflurry too huuu!

Tale of Unfortunate Events #2

Recap of today's unfortunate events, again, for the sake of my sanity, in the future, when i read this i'll remember that i was awesome, i escaped all these unscathed. I'm awesome.

I'm in psychiatry rotation now, and this day i had my round in my university hospital. I can't believe i'm saying this, but still i'll say it, I HATE PSYCHIATRY ROTATION IN KAUH. I never hate any rounds in kauh before, because rounds there are very informative, and doctors are great and speak english and attentive, and the cases are advanced cases since most of them are referral. but not psychiatry bluwerggh. i'll spare the details of that psychiatry doctor's takbestness, tak baik spreading the bad words. some people may like the doctor though. but for me, i hate this doctor so much, i even imagined bad things to happen to him.

So, today was my second round in kauh, and i was so lazy to get up. i considered skipping the round but meh, the better part of me dominated. so took a cab, and the cab driver overcharged me. i didn't oblige though,  i stupidly stormed out from his unworthy car. while in the bus, my partner called and texted me that doctor has come and she's the only one there. poor her..

then we had a case of severe mental retardation with self-mutilation, and god it was scary. i couldn't bear looking at the poor child, and his extremely patient parents, can cry an ocean la. the boy had episodes of self-mutilation while consulting, and it was so severe, according to my friend who watched it.

after that we were divided into 3 groups and took history. i.hate.this.part.the.most. bloody boring because of my retarded-like arabic comprehension.

then discussed the case while doctor consulting the patients. the most extreme case so far: a 17yo girl tried to kill her dad 7 times (and laughed it when her dad retelling the story creepy!!!!!!!), tried to kill herself i-forgot-how-many-times by cutting her wrists (she claimed it normal!!), drinking ipax-yes i don't know what's that too, my friend assumed it clorox, and tried to jumped from the balcony, all these started after she lost her mom to gastric cancer, and she blamed her dad for it. and she also has relationship with 22yo normal engaged guy. i pity her dad the most. totally crazy, and she's hospitalized. btw people do not judge her, she is sick and i'm sure she's "unconscious" while doing all these crazy things. not unconscious as in coma, but as in she couldn't think properly.  it's hard though, not to judge and confront her, because i feel it too and i feel like slamming her real hard to give her some senses of her doings and thoughts.

and we were interrupted by a man in rage, he's shivering, shouting and he punched wall so hard. i didn't know why he's like that but it was extremely scary i thought he was going to kill all of us. i even planned my escape route just in case, by pushing the doctor to him, (distracting the man from spotting me) then i'll jump over them to the door.  nothing happened though, the man controlled himself very well, he knew not to hurt people, only hurt the wall.

then i had the most boring seminar ever. it's ok to give boring seminar, i knew, not all people are blessed with fluency and presentation skill. it's totally ok and acceptable. but if it's so boring then just speed it off. i was so bored so i slept. and slides with tables?? really??

then went home, again taxi problem. stupid taxi driver followed longer route, and it angered me because i hadn't pray for zohor yet. then he scolded/raised his voice to us because we're asking why. pure bastard, even my parents aka people i respect the most in this whole world stop scolding me 7 years ago. what right he has to scold me, when he's just a lowlife dirty obnoxious stupid stranger?

and the last catastrophe: blackout, 2 times in this night. first, 1 hour, 2nd, 4 minutes. 1 hour blackout is enough to induce chilblain for me, i hate my weak body. my fingers are all sausage-like, now.

btw, i survived after all. i hate jordan, but i lived here for 5 years already not so good, but still ok. i'm awesome.

tomorrow's lectures day, so i don't want to study today.today's round and blackout really turned my mood off. psychiatry is the rotation i hate the most second to paeds. but since paeds sucks so much it doesn't qualify as a rotation in my mind, psychiatry = rotation i hate the most. the best rotation: o&g. the patients are all women, what's more to ask? and delivery is miracle it gives out good vibes to everyone. it's horror though, to watch a live delivery.

ps: al-fatihah for my junior, allahyarham illham ellani. detail here.

Frozen hell

My body is surely ageing up so fast. I used to love winter very much, but then, after 4 winters, i surrender.

My gas heater decided to die on me yesterday, and the pakcik gas suspiciously didn't want to cater my need of gas. So i ended up embracing the cold winter (aka sleep the whole night couldnt do anything because it's too cold i lost senses in my extremities) in this cold hell of a room for 1 night. Meh no big deal. Student life, expected.

But..my lower extremities are all swollen up and itchy and erythematous now aaaaaaargggh. And eczema flare! Tabley pakai kasut cantik esok!!!!!!! 

btw, i did run amok last evening and bought a new electric heater, and made few trips afterwards to electrical shops because of the shitty design of this room, only 2 sockets, and 1 of them is in very poor condition it has horror cracks on it, and also because jordan has limited supply of electrical stuff. i needed a heavy duty extension for the heater, normal household extension will melt, but none were found! Lucky me a handsome english speaking man from the shop decided to DIY the extension, with very thick cable, about 30mm kot. (normal one is 16mm). So alhamdulillah, thanks to him i'm all safe and sound now.

Oh jordan, the price i have to pay to get an mbbs. Be grateful future patients!

note; I'm in psychiatry rotation now and the patients so far are not as mental as i thought they would be. 

crossroad

Two nights ago, i slept in a shabby room, shared with five friends. It was the most uncomfortable room throughout the journey, but the location was very strategic. Loewe was just across the street, less then 20 seconds walking from the entrance. Loewe baby, Loewe! 

But i didn't even step into the store, let alone shop for the finest calfskin bag with stunning colors. For that, i both, blamed and entirely grateful for my travel companions, for letting me feel guilty just by peeping into the store,and for saving me from my unhealthy desire and greed. I did regret though, for not buying those bags i've marked online, but i know for sure, i'll regret it more if i bought them. I think, the biggest restraint is not from my sweet friends, but from my own mind. Something like, if you bought them you're turning into rosmah mansur! kept chanting in my head everytime i felt the urge of burning big holes into my bank account. I'm proud of myself.

So now, back to reality, i'm back in this cold room. It's hard to believe how cold irbid has turned to, i mean when i left, it was the nice breezy cold. When i returned, god it's a fridge cold!

5 years living here, i come to realization, i think i don't really hate this place. i miss it when i'm away (except when i'm in south east asia/east asia). I don't really hate the people, in fact, on my way home, i saw arabs squabbling because the door connecting the flight and the airport was closed (1st time in my flying history of 22 years, miracle in arabs country (egypt) huh!) and i quickly felt homey, rather than annoyed. I miss seeing those scenes. 

Maybe it's the 5 years spent here. Maybe i don't hate it. But i don't know. I hate living here. i hate my house. i  hate my room. i hate that i feel immobile because i don't have a car. i hate the absence of central heating system. I hate the fact that i still can't speak, or understand even, arabic properly. On how i passed all these years without understanding arabic, that's god's miracle, alongside on how i got 1A in bahasa arab tinggi during spm.  I hate malaysian community here. I hate how some people, and doctors, questioning why i still can't communicating in arabic despite living here for 5 years.i mean, hey, that's my line too! Like, hey, i don't know, maybe i'm just a pure stupid, i have a friend who never studied arabic for all her life (unless you count alif ba ta as arabic) and she communicates in arabic better than me. 

i'm not happy here because of my own incompetence. And the incomplete things. fret not A, only a year and a half left. All the best to myself.

Exam is coming in 2 weeks time, and i am so nervous this time. I lost a very precious one (thing?) because i decided to continue doing medicine, this time, willingly, and this exam will reflect my seriousness. The truth is, nothing changes. i'm still the lazy student, got bored and stop paying attention when doctors speak in arabic, which is like 80% of the time, still playing few games and helping people doing thangs when i'm in the mood, still sleep a lot. i know few people disappointed with my unseriousness, but trust me, i'm more disappointed in myself than all of them could ever be. like hey i lost that one, i should treasure medicine and doing well in it, but i'm not. 

i'm not regretting though. Doctor is a noble profession, and i want to be a part of that legacy. it's just, i'm still not adapting to the environment, and living far away from home and comfort is not helping much.

This entry is so whiny, but I don't care what people will think of me - if i ever care, i would've completed my orthodontic treatment 8 years ago- but that one is not the people. I'm so afraid of my result, and i'll study very hard to get a good result. But still, i'm so scared, that if my result is still as bad as my previous exams, that one might feel that one not worth for me. Never!

But, yes, if i have time to worry about how that one might feel if that one can even feel, in theory, then i should have study. 

For that, please pray for me. This incoming osce and mini osce suddenly feel like the biggest exam in my life. Ciao.

-Forty five light years from home,

 to be to where you are....ah impossible.

ps: very advance happy birthday to little nisah z. 11.11.11 yo, gi tunang/kawin/branak/adopt anak plis. (betul kan bday ko11/11?). may allah bless you, and may you be a great lawyer one day :)

is it goodbye?

3 months ago, i was struggling with final exams, i was stressed and my study desk was filled with thick medical books and boring notes. One night, when i was at the peak of my stress (i lost few kilos over those study weeks), the electricity was kapoof! Out! i was flabbergasted and i suddenly had some jerky movement, (chorea?) and that very calamity happened..:(( my zen dropped from those stacked up books to the floor, and its screen broke from inside. I was so sad i stopped studying that night and just sobbed myself to sleep. i really love my mp, i love it more than my passport and purse. 

Despite the looks, i still used it. It still worked perfectly, the audio was(and still is) perfect, and i still could peek to browse. Until....

The broken screen became worse and it's so hard to browse..i can't peek anymore for different playlist, for dj setting, for equalizer...and it's time for new mp3 player. sad sad sad sad! my history of mp3 player started with a zen exactly like this 2gb, before i carelessly misplaced it, i believed i might have throw it away while clearing my dustbin. i loved that one so much, for its quality and its sentimental value, and also the original creative black silicon skin. then my brother took pity of me and gave me his (the picture). It served me well, just like the first one, though i did take my time to get used to not having the skin. and now, my zen is dying...though the audio still works perfectly..:( :( :(

and the hassle of looking for a new mp3 player is )&*(^&$%#^( irritating! I want zen but there is no creative near my housing area. i'm afraid to try other brands like samsung, sony, or philips because creative is my first love and i'm comfortable with it. a part of me urges for nano but i hate apple and jobs-related and the audio is inferior, not to my liking, not too crisp. i look for creative products from lelong, and the original zen like mine is not available. as expected, it's old and has stopped being produced. and the newer ones are tacky. x-fi= wth with those buttons? x-fi style= newer zen like mine, with mosaic-like cover and x-fi tech and built-in speaker...i consider it, but i hate the mosaic like cover..but this one is close to my needs..and i'm too lazy to research other brands. i don't think i'll like sony because i think it is too complicated for simple and narrow-minded people like me.so many series too, it's confusing! philips ariaz has long playback hours (45+ hours!)..sony can't play flac but people say its audio is superb but there are limited series in malaysia.

and all these hassles start from stupid blackout in irbid 3 months ago! aku memang dendam tnb joden dari dulu lagi! timing blackout tak cantik la...takde warning langsung.

Time together is never quite enough...

My eczema med (aaaaaargh forgot to ask mama again what its name, scatterbrain!) tastes so shitty that i can't differentiate if it's rotten or not (though my dermatologist confirmed its expiry date is in 2012), it makes my stomach feel gaseous, and makes me belch. and the belch tastes like i ate grass smeared with horse dung. Not that i ate any before, but that's how i imagine it would be, based on its smell.

I used to love winter, but not after 4 winters in jordan. cold finally has taken its toll on me, makes me gatai-gatai all over, and my epidermal keeps sloughing that i guess if i don't apply cream, i might look like those skinless anatomy model in lab. might weigh a little lighter though. note that, gatai means cheap desperate with no dignity woman. two gatai or gatai-gatai means the sensation of having something creeps under (sometimes over) your skin, itchy, sometimes it's painful, instead of double the first gatai.

ps: ruhaini ruslan, tau tak ubat apa tu. bukan geng-geng steroid. pil dia bulat kale pink kain puteri islam.