crossroad

Two nights ago, i slept in a shabby room, shared with five friends. It was the most uncomfortable room throughout the journey, but the location was very strategic. Loewe was just across the street, less then 20 seconds walking from the entrance. Loewe baby, Loewe! 

But i didn't even step into the store, let alone shop for the finest calfskin bag with stunning colors. For that, i both, blamed and entirely grateful for my travel companions, for letting me feel guilty just by peeping into the store,and for saving me from my unhealthy desire and greed. I did regret though, for not buying those bags i've marked online, but i know for sure, i'll regret it more if i bought them. I think, the biggest restraint is not from my sweet friends, but from my own mind. Something like, if you bought them you're turning into rosmah mansur! kept chanting in my head everytime i felt the urge of burning big holes into my bank account. I'm proud of myself.

So now, back to reality, i'm back in this cold room. It's hard to believe how cold irbid has turned to, i mean when i left, it was the nice breezy cold. When i returned, god it's a fridge cold!

5 years living here, i come to realization, i think i don't really hate this place. i miss it when i'm away (except when i'm in south east asia/east asia). I don't really hate the people, in fact, on my way home, i saw arabs squabbling because the door connecting the flight and the airport was closed (1st time in my flying history of 22 years, miracle in arabs country (egypt) huh!) and i quickly felt homey, rather than annoyed. I miss seeing those scenes. 

Maybe it's the 5 years spent here. Maybe i don't hate it. But i don't know. I hate living here. i hate my house. i  hate my room. i hate that i feel immobile because i don't have a car. i hate the absence of central heating system. I hate the fact that i still can't speak, or understand even, arabic properly. On how i passed all these years without understanding arabic, that's god's miracle, alongside on how i got 1A in bahasa arab tinggi during spm.  I hate malaysian community here. I hate how some people, and doctors, questioning why i still can't communicating in arabic despite living here for 5 years.i mean, hey, that's my line too! Like, hey, i don't know, maybe i'm just a pure stupid, i have a friend who never studied arabic for all her life (unless you count alif ba ta as arabic) and she communicates in arabic better than me. 

i'm not happy here because of my own incompetence. And the incomplete things. fret not A, only a year and a half left. All the best to myself.

Exam is coming in 2 weeks time, and i am so nervous this time. I lost a very precious one (thing?) because i decided to continue doing medicine, this time, willingly, and this exam will reflect my seriousness. The truth is, nothing changes. i'm still the lazy student, got bored and stop paying attention when doctors speak in arabic, which is like 80% of the time, still playing few games and helping people doing thangs when i'm in the mood, still sleep a lot. i know few people disappointed with my unseriousness, but trust me, i'm more disappointed in myself than all of them could ever be. like hey i lost that one, i should treasure medicine and doing well in it, but i'm not. 

i'm not regretting though. Doctor is a noble profession, and i want to be a part of that legacy. it's just, i'm still not adapting to the environment, and living far away from home and comfort is not helping much.

This entry is so whiny, but I don't care what people will think of me - if i ever care, i would've completed my orthodontic treatment 8 years ago- but that one is not the people. I'm so afraid of my result, and i'll study very hard to get a good result. But still, i'm so scared, that if my result is still as bad as my previous exams, that one might feel that one not worth for me. Never!

But, yes, if i have time to worry about how that one might feel if that one can even feel, in theory, then i should have study. 

For that, please pray for me. This incoming osce and mini osce suddenly feel like the biggest exam in my life. Ciao.

-Forty five light years from home,

 to be to where you are....ah impossible.

ps: very advance happy birthday to little nisah z. 11.11.11 yo, gi tunang/kawin/branak/adopt anak plis. (betul kan bday ko11/11?). may allah bless you, and may you be a great lawyer one day :)