journey vs destination

disclaimer: probably the most personal entry in this blog. but then again this is the blog with no reader despite the story telling style of writing, so why not.

for the rest of this entry to make sense, I should begin with this. I'm almost 30 and i really like to have my own human baby with half of my chromosome. I probably have everything in life except that, and soul partner. Marriage is not on the top of my list now and it's almost impossible actually. but i do not give up.

So. To get my own human baby, I need another set of chromosome and as a practicing muslim I need a husband for that. oh how i wish i could reproduce by binary fission..human cloning huh?

*****

you see, the more a woman has, the more difficult for her to get someone she can trust enough to spend the rest of her life with. the smarter she gets, the easier she detects the red flags in her prospects. because she is comfortable with her own life, she won't tolerate the defects, no matter how minor it is. her faults, mostly. on top of that, she's not pretty, not graceful, fierce like a lion, head harder than rocks. as those are not enough, she complicates it by being a hopeless romantic, lost in her own insurmountable imagination.
she is a woman. time is ticking. the telomeres are shortening. those eggs are not infinite. the prospects' pool gets smaller. so the search of the legal eligible supplier of the other pair of chromosomes gets harder.

the prospects came. mostly she avoided right after the first salam/hi/hello. the minority that got further, she blocked after 5th messages at most, because she knew they weren't her right one.

few got through though. she allowed, because she thought she could tolerate them, the conversation flows.

but right after the bombs dropped, teeet. she ran and shut the door behind her. why, she's also confused. not once. not twice. (to dudes i did this to, i'm earnestly sorry. it's not you, it's just me being neurotic. hope you all are happy in your life now. you won't read this of course, but i pray for your happiness always.)

*****

I am a planner. I used to plan to get married at 18 years old so that I could spent my uni life with significant someone. well that didn't go well obviously.

so the next stage, 24. after graduation i planned to get married too. then after housemanship. the ship didn't only sail away, it sank and recovered anew.

i now realise that planning is possible in controlled situation, like study,financial planning, travel plan, charity -even that sometimes gets difficult, but at least it's something i can improvise by myself.

getting married is difficult. it involves the other person. i think for me what scares me the most is to trust someone, trust him enough to live the rest of my life with him. what's the guarantee? i want to, of course, live a married life, like my parents, getting old together.

how they married people do it? i want a love so simple that what matters is only mutual love. you know, when i was in psy, i had seen people with impaired cognitive function got married to each other, and they care for each other husband and wife in their best possible way, taking care of each other meds and such. don't ask me whether it's possible/legal, not an expert in that area. i don't envy that life of course, but i want that kind of love. comfortable enough to trust her partner.

in psy also i saw so many wrecked marriages, which sent me curling shut in that hypothetical corner, building these icy walls, harden my head, avoiding all those ordinary guys, while the guys who made extraordinary effort and managed to get through-i shut them after few months.

for that i hate myself.

i am a planner. i won't allow anything bad happens to me, if possible. i frequent drive through because going to restaurant alone requires parking my car and walk alone to the restaurant and that is risky. i only withdraw money inside malls because it's safer, and same goes to my frequent use of debit card. i took up swimming lesson because i was afraid of drowning. i stay near hospital to avoid long journey to work everyday. i only jog inside my apartment compound (it's small so i have to make >10 rounds just to get the pace) because it's safer. and the whole reason why apartment instead of landed house- because it's safer. i avoid patients and work in non-clinical because it's safer (i was almost assaulted many many times when i was in psy, and few times when i was in ed)

the essence to stay safe is thinking of the worst situation, and how to avoid it (primary prevention). when it comes to marriage..haih. if i end up in a bad marriage, i know i will blame myself so hard i will crumble to pieces. and as for now, i think i would rather stay single than gambling myself into marriage.

i am a planner. i plan how to grow old and die alone, even. i started saving on my future nursing home, i took up lifetime insurance.

but i want to get married. i want kids, i want a life partner. i envisioned this since forever.



human are greedy, aren't they?

****

fairy tales always scrutinize the journey but never the destination. sleeping beauty was cursed into long sleep. the tale told us her childhood, the curse, and the prince's journey and ended with happy ever after after the prince kissed her. snow white, belle and cinderella had their hard lives in told details and ended after they met their princes.

why?

because the destination is not as pretty as folklore painted it.
because those princesses had nothing to lose. cinderella and belle and snow white were too poor/in exile/hated by family (stepmother/sisters), they'd jump at the opportunity to escape that.
because they met in the worst situation, what worse can the future be?

****

You'll meet the right person at the right time in the right place, they said.

I believe in that, though it gets weaker and weaker. But, how do you know? what if i've passed that opportunity? those failed marriages, didn't they know? will the right person stay right forever?

it is all so confusing and scary, and for that i thank Allah for being a muslim, in sense that i can hope and trust a higher being so powerful yet so protective of me. this question then arises. i am not a good servant, do i even deserve a gift so big, like a soul partner? do i the ever so lowly servant even allowed to beg for one?

*****

 this is getting so bleak i'm going to stop here. i shall get my own cat and move on.

oh, by the way, this is not emotional/loneliness/pms talking. i am very rational at the moment, i've been thinking about this for quite some time mostly before sleep, and i feel like i need to let it out.

The End #1

Alhamdulillah, I've graduated :)

It's late and everyone who reads this blog probably already knew, but i just need to write for the sake of completion of the quagmire hehe. I finished my last exam (oral Surgery, which scared me shitless, will write more in special final chapter, that is if i'm not lazy la) on 22/5/13, and i got my result the next day. I was among the very first students to see the result due to my ridiculously awesome survival skill.

That day, instead of feeling on top of the world, i just felt relieved, and that's it. 1 of my strongest motivation all these years, and specifically during the great final period was, once is enough, and again, alhamdulillah :)
It didn't kick in that i've graduated, until i have to fill some forms/update some information, i realized that i was no longer a student. Yet, it's not a happy feeling. It's heavy, feeling burdened which almost sent me direct into depression. Satisfaction? Not really. I tried my very best of course, studied the hardest i could in my entire life, but i did that not under my own will. I felt forced, and i had to do that because it was my responsibility.

Don't get me wrong. I still won't waive and change my path. I'm actually excited to enter the work field, meeting patients and treat them. That gives me satisfaction, helping people in need. (I sound saint right hahahahaha i told you people i'm baik!!). It's just, studying for final didn't feel the same and i was studying things i didn't (probably still don't) really like. But it's all in the past now so..

But one thing. I'm proud of myself :)

And i do think i deserve to. For those of you who know my whole story, i really do, right? To kill the past me and rise anew as almost completely different character was hard. I learnt a lot these past 6 years, to bow my head, to always smile, accept that i no longer the center of the universe, accept that i do not know a thing and have to ask, to socialize. I learnt a lot about myself, and accept my flaws and limits. I learnt a-whole-lot about people, and i accept that people will not care about you, people only care about themselves and that's fine. Ideally, if everyone only cares about themselves and threads carefully in every situations, tiptoes slowly and gracefully on narrow bridges, no one will get hurt, right? In that situation, those who do get hurt (the weak and the stupid) only have themselves to blame, and it's fair for everyone. Survival of the fittest, the rule of the nature. But of course, that's not how the real world is. I let go of things very dearly to me, tried to embrace things i once hated (which progressing slowly, but positively :) :).. ).

If i were to comment anything about my path to MBBS per se, it's not hard. Definitely not easy, but not hard.  Always, i barely studied and i passed, alhamdulillah. I guess i can say that's hidden blessing from Allah. My parents, especially my dad, prayed all the time for my study. I have trouble learning new languages so despite the 6 years living here, i still don't understand Arabic and the rounds didn't benefit me as much as i hoped, but i scraped through alive. My weak memory didn't help either. When i said weak, i mean really weak, as in when i read a long sentence in the textbook, by the 5th line i have to reread because i forget the point earlier. I can understand things easily (well it's not that hard) but in balance, i forget things easily too. But alhamdulillah, most of the times i always got nice examiners so..Even when i got the established malignant doctors as my examiners, they strangely were nice to me. Probably because they pitied me kot..

Anyway, it was a wonderful journey, filled with exhilarating ups and dejected downs. I sincerely thank everyone i've met in this journey and may Allah bless all of you. Sorry for everything.

It's coming

2013, finally..I've been waiting for this year since 31/8/2007, the moment i touched down in Amman Airport.  And i think i'm quite a lucky girl, i survive living here for 5 years *gasp!* and now it's only about 5-6 months before i leave this H-hole for good and you know how we often feel like the longest moments of waiting are always the few last ones? Well, being a lucky girl, this few last ones bolt like Bolt because well, i'm in Paeds rotation now and it's kinda busy since i have to write 20 cases, which i haven't start yet because of some technical problems. Just hope the coming rotation will feel like this too.

So paeds. To be honest, it doesn't feel as bad as in 4th year. In fact, i actually enjoy it more then the previous surgery. Kids are cute, small, some are annoying, some are just too cute and funny. I certainly enjoy my round in NICU, because babies in there mostly are too sick to cry and when they cry, it's sometimes a good thing and they are in incubator so the cries are not too loud and bothersome. And i think i harden up, i no longer choke or cry silently whenever i see babies with syndromes or diseases with poor prognosis.

Or maybe i just enjoy this rotation because of the abundant day-offs. Next week is the 5th week (if i'm not mistaken) and it's the 1st full week we'll have. We had the new year holiday, the awesome hibernation snow holidays, the maulidurrasul holiday (PBUH), the election holiday, the shorten day because of frost so yeah!  As usual, i slept a lot during those holiday haha, which has taken its toll on me, in my class graduation photo :((.  Last week we took the photo, and my face was so bloated it looks like someone on steroid, or with cushing syndrome. or a pregnant lady with PET. SUPER BLOATED wuaaaa. Maybe i should ask the committee to let me edit the photo and photoshop myself. The photo was taken right after i woke up from my lecture nap so..Dad said, it's ok, it makes it easier for him to recognize me, he can recognize me pronto even if  i place the photo 1m from him.

Anyway, i'm sleepy now so zzzzzz out. peace

But some things are worth fighting for

That was the last sentence from Inside Job, a documentary about 2008 economy crisis.

It's late, but still worth watching. It detailed on how the crisis started and the domino effect after that,which affected the whole world because of globalisation. Funny how sheltered i was (or we were, because i'm sure almost all of us were unaffected, not realized even,) from the crisis. They (the filmmaker) said that the crisis was comparable, or worse even, to the great depression.

One thing for sure, i'm extremely grateful that i chose this path. Because i'd probably be one of those bastards responsible for plummeting the economy if i chose to jump over the fence, fo sho!

On melancholy hill

So Jordan gov decided to lift their subsidy which resulted into skyrocketed price of gas. Again. And it took effect immediately. Almost everything skyrocketed to ridiculous price. Last month, my bus fare was 0.35jd one way. Then the bus drivers had a strike one morning (everyone had to take a 5jd/4 cab ride to go to university that day), so the next day the price was 0.40jd, until yesterday. Today, it's 0.50jd. Let's not talk about other prices, like cab fare or groceries, that'll break my heart more.

I don't know, but i don't feel good. Heck i never feel good actually here, since ever.

People will be demonstrating like crazy this weekend, but i hope nothing real bad happen, at least until i graduate.

So, you guys, in case i go AWOL next week, start worrying and save me!

Anyway, I know from the beginning this situation is inevitable. Jordan is a country with no resources at all, no oil, infertile land, nothing to mine, no ocean to fish, nothing! Jordanians mostly suck and that worsen their already detrimental state of a country. They have great people, like my doctors, but the higher ups suck and the systems suck. And they are surrounded with nations at war which used to supply them oil and gas and food, so it's actually a miracle they still standing.

As a sponsored student, i think i can afford these hike, but i'm more worried, and pity actually, about Jordanian themselves. There are a lot of poor or dirt poor people who will have hard time coping, and i hope  and pray they will hold on to their conscience and not resort into crime..because they will always target us, foreigners.

God bless everyone..

I do no fail!

I found this pic on Facebook earlier, addressed towards SPM students. Like seriously? those kids are preparing themselves their best, and you talked that failure is ok? What a screwed-up adult.

I don't know how other people do it, but me, failure is DISASTER! try your best, as if your whole life is depending on it, in everything, to avoid failure. And talking about failure BEFORE being in the battle field is a taboo! Why considering being fail as an option when you don't start fighting? Like, if failure is an option, why bother fighting at all?

Of course, there are times we try our best and we fail, but that's a whole different story. And after that happens only will we think about it. By thinking, i mean think how to get up again and move on, not dwelling on it. And that's the perfect time to use the above pic.

Not thinking about failure so far drives me good, it gives me confidence, or fake it.

And for SPM students, or any high school students reading this, if you think SPM is not important, think again. I aced my SPM, and although i'm not really doing good now, but at least i do not suffer. And the lucrative money incentive wa$ nice :). And the chance to choose whatever and wherever i want to study was also nice, would be nicer if i could actually choose. And again, the money wa$ really nice, $eriou$ly. And the dinner celebrations. And your self-esteem would skyrocket so high because everyone wanted to know you, and some wanted to sponsor you. And the scholarship..nice..6 years being a sponsored student, never once i worry about financial. But if you still think these aren't worth it, then i'll rest my case.

By the way, it bothers me how people always talking about failures, and the huge success after it. Well, they are famous, can't deny it, but how about people who always succeed, and keep succeeding in life? and those people are not famous, because they'll usually end up being an academicians or doctors or whatever boring jobs which is not cool but extremely vital to the humanity.

And i am not afraid to fail. Erm... ok fine i do afraid of failing, a little, deep down..  I don't take failure as an option and i will do anything i can to succeed. Moreover, failure in my field, will usually results in death. renal failure, heart failure, the most common failure in my field, and they are not nice. Now still consider failure?

Life update #4

I had my almost 10 days holiday, and it will end soon. it's really nice to have this break in the middle of the course, considering we're studying non-stop, of course figuratively, since last October. It's not really a holiday btw, it's a 2-weeks forensic course, but since forensic isn't major here, we were able to conclude the course in 3 days. I wonder why we have to have this course in the first place since forensic has its own people, non-medical people. maybe they don't have standalone forensic course here. but not complaining, i love this holiday!

I've been bragging about my holiday to countless people and it feels good. really good that i sleep smiling every night oh god i love holiday! my mom, as usual, nagged me to study eventhough it's holiday. my dad, he's cool, asked me where to go for this holiday. heh tanya je ape cerita dad, money don't breed itself. sterile money.

Too bad this weekend my sponsor decided to disturb me with "student development kinda program". I don't mind meeting the delegacy, in fact i do look forward to it, but i don't like hearing some shit about ethics and motivation. i took a course for ethics during 3rd year, and passed with flying colours (who doesn't? it's bonus course, never read anything also got >80) and i honestly think my behaviour is good, haven't kill anyone. Motivation? god if i aint motivated i'd be in paddington now. But whatevs, they provide free food. and i have a decent noise-cancelling earphone.

ah speaking about earphones...huuuuuu my beloved headphone has gone bonkers, only one side is functioning, THANK YOU SO MUCH SENN FOR YOUR STRAIGHT CABLE AAAAAAAAAAAARRGHH. so i bought a new one, after a sleepless night hunting for a decent headphone with decent price that will ship to Jordan, almost a month ago. Well, that's emergency, because i can't live without my headphone, and my brother is not where he can help. And guess what, a month and my new headphone is still not arrived. I wanted to regret why i chose the cheapest shipping option, but considering the other options are far more expensive than the headphone itself, i calmed down, and keep on waiting. in tears. headphone, safe journey, mama's waiting :(.

ok serious business. SPM 2011. perubatan timur tengah. medic middle east. perubatan jordan. medic jordan.  biasiswa. scholarship. mara. jpa. (all the key words i can think of)

The result was out and i hope government won't be too stupid to send new medical students, here or anywhere in the world. I'll graduate next year and i worry so much whether i can practise in my own country of not, the doctors glut is a serious problem. And that gets worse with time. And it's possible for medical graduate to become jobless. But that's not really my worry, it's their own shit. why i hate new medical students? oh i only hate new medical students here, i don't really give a damn about others. because, that means more competitors for buses, which means if i get out late, i'll be in deep shit with doctors. late here is not 'late' late, it's still early for previous me. irbid can't afford this sudden increase of malaysian scholars. buses can't afford it too. traffic jams become more frequent, and bad people become more daring because we malaysian are usually easy targets, traders will cheat and raise the price more because malaysian scholars have enough money to still buy it. man i hate all of these. and more, do you know how JUST benefits so much from us malaysian students? that means more money for them, and jordanian government indirectly and I HATE THAT SO MUCH. Jordan is a country i plan to erase from my memory, and from the world map if i could, and the ever increasing malaysian population here doesn't help my mission. 

one must wonder why i hate jordan so much, and before people might start assuming various reasons why, let me explain myself first. well, nothing really bad (really bad means rape, sexual harassment, rob, flasher, stab kinda stuff) happen to me yet, alhamdulillah, but those bad things happen to some people i know and it scares me. then, i hate people here, who cheats so much, and calling us names, looking at us as if we're from freak circus, throwing things at us. i hate how it's so hard to get decent things (clothes-to get decent one need to go to amman, headphones, bags, glasses) here. It might sound like minor things, and people may think i'm just spoiled brat who can't stand any hardship, but try living with that minor bad things every single day for 6 years. there are good things here too, but since bad things are more prominent and i encounter it on daily basis, it takes some effort to memorize the good things. some malaysian like it here though, makes me wonder how their lives are in Malaysia to prefer living here. 

i really hope some spm leavers who plan to apply for middle east medicine and dentistry read this and cancel their intentions. in fact, why bother taking medicine at all? during my time, people take medicine because of the guaranteed job delusion. now that delusion has come to light, i wonder why people still want to take medicine. if you want money, go for acca and actuarial science (if your dad owns a business go for business admin.). if you want to look cool go for architecture. if you want respect go for law and religious studies (religious studies graduate are so menantu pilihan now). if you want to secure a job go for it-related course, that bubble isn't gonna pop soon, it keeps growing. this is my sincere advice to you, spm 2011 leavers. unless you really like it so much that you'll go mad if you couldn't study it, and you are brilliant enough, then don't. if your parents are stone-headed and will send you to do medicine no matter what, first, try reasoning with them. well i know fully well that wouldn't work. 2nd, try to fail your entrance exam on purpose. you'll suffer from some short-lived embarrassment, but you'll save yourself from never-ending suffering. ask yourself what do you actually want.  stop the bullshit doctor is a noble job. every job is noble if you work honestly.

if you still want to do medicine, go read dr pagalavan. even after reading that you still want to do medicine, there might be something wrong with you, or more unlikely, you must be truly interested. good luck in getting job, in 2017.

Stop trolling!

IF YOU ARE NEUTRAL IN SITUATIONS OF INJUSTICE, YOU HAVE CHOSEN THE SIDE OF THE OPPRESSOR.

This post is about the proposed national healthcare system, bloody 1care. I always feel that some malaysian systems sometimes are bothersome, but ah i can go with it. But if they seriously gazette the act for 1care, i'll look for other south east asian country to move. (Jakarta Jakarta Jakarta~)

Few facts about 1care.
-10% from your monthly salary will be deducted for basic healthcare. even if you're super healthy never have to see doctor or even if you're a doctor yourself you know everything about your health pun must pay. (i think it's about the same amount of insurance, not too sure though, since dad's the one paying)

-only get to see government doctors 6 times/year. more than that, pay by yourself. (stupid! for chronic diseases like dm, every month pun kene follow-up. how's that?)

-can only see one doctor that is assigned to you. You can't choose your own doctor.

-1 chief complaint per visit. imagine, you see doctor because of common cold. in the same time you want to complain about dysmenorrhea. in 1care, no no, common cold one visit. dysmenorrhea another visit.

-to get the medication, you have to see a pharmacist. Doctor only prescribe, and only gives injection. means you have to go to a clinic, then have to go to a pharmacy, and you are sick at that!

-and this 1care only covers basic healthcare items. cheap generic drugs, that's it. more than that, pay by yourself. not saying that cheap generic drugs are not effective, but there are resistant cases. there are people allergic to them. not all people suited to those drugs (drug-drug interaction, co-existing diseases).

Can read more here and here and here, so far. more articles are expected soon.

I can't keep quiet about it, this touches my money, and has huge impact on my future working scene, and also to fellow citizen as well. No one touch my money, enough reason to oppose 1care.

Even Jordan healthcare system is much better than the proposed 1care, and that's a huge humiliation i need to swallow if 1care ever happen, and i don't want that, after 5 years bashing every single damn thing here. i'm not really familiar about the national healthcare system here because everytime i get sick, i'll just go to our university health centre, not public hospital. but based on what i've seen, it's pretty much the same as our current healthcare system.

erm, sorry, i'm not sure about our current healthcare system as well, never actually step into malaysian hospitals all my life. unless we count my malingering acts during high school at hospital changkat melintang or klinik parit as "masuk hospital". but the system is basically go to hospital/health centre, register, get number, see the doctor, if not serious treat as outpatient, then go to pharmacy to get medication then balik.

In jordan pun it's exactly the same, except for some drugs, you have to buy at the retail pharmacy, or when those drugs are run out of stock in the hospital pharmacy. You can't find private gp (like our favourite klinik abdullah, klinik ahmad, klinik hidayah klinic devan klinic chong etc etc) here, sakit je kene pegi hospital or just beli ubat at pharmacy. In clinic, after register, first you have to go to nurse station, they'll take vital signs so it saves some time for doctor's consultation.

I'm digressing here, but my point is, no one with functioning brain will be ok with 1care system.

To get updates about 1care, please like this fb page. I'm waiting for the "notes from another MOH briefing to healthcare professionals that will show clearly how detailed 1Care really is and how the govt is lying through their teeth when they say that "nothing has been decided yet" about 1Care." 

V will come and haunt you to those who approve 1care.

Hate you

I have no problem conversing in English, though my pronunciation is sometimes a little bit weird. Malay or English, it's the same, i suck at both language, in fact, i suck at all language i've ever learnt.

But,

I do have problem with people who converse in Malay but use "you" to address the other party. I take serious offence of it. Example;
- some unknown makciks found at the airport ---> Eh you student ke? you dah check in? you boleh tolong tenggokkan bag i tak?
- some lecturers i met who never benefit me, most of the time i hate them ---> kalau dah pegi overseas you kene jadi blablablabla. masa zaman i dulu takde macam sekarang. you all ni blablabla. you punye borang saye dah process, you kene tunggu blablabla

Like seriously?? I prefer they address me as awak if it's formal, or kau if it's informal or whatever (hang, hampa, kome, mu etc etc) as long as it's in Malay, if they converse in Malay. If they want to use "you", then converse in English completely. Stupid ass.

This only involves the usage of "you". I have no problem with rojak Manglish, really, i speak Manglish as first language. Because most of the time, we never know how some things are called in Malay/English, we just know it as it is in either language. Like all those medical terms, and technical terms, heck i don't even know what is inflammation in Malay. jangkitan? but jangkitan is infection right?

Btw, this, i found in Facebook. And most politicians, not all, use "you" to address others. Rude people indeed.

Reboot

If this is what it takes, then be it.

My past, so long and cheers.

crossroad

Two nights ago, i slept in a shabby room, shared with five friends. It was the most uncomfortable room throughout the journey, but the location was very strategic. Loewe was just across the street, less then 20 seconds walking from the entrance. Loewe baby, Loewe! 

But i didn't even step into the store, let alone shop for the finest calfskin bag with stunning colors. For that, i both, blamed and entirely grateful for my travel companions, for letting me feel guilty just by peeping into the store,and for saving me from my unhealthy desire and greed. I did regret though, for not buying those bags i've marked online, but i know for sure, i'll regret it more if i bought them. I think, the biggest restraint is not from my sweet friends, but from my own mind. Something like, if you bought them you're turning into rosmah mansur! kept chanting in my head everytime i felt the urge of burning big holes into my bank account. I'm proud of myself.

So now, back to reality, i'm back in this cold room. It's hard to believe how cold irbid has turned to, i mean when i left, it was the nice breezy cold. When i returned, god it's a fridge cold!

5 years living here, i come to realization, i think i don't really hate this place. i miss it when i'm away (except when i'm in south east asia/east asia). I don't really hate the people, in fact, on my way home, i saw arabs squabbling because the door connecting the flight and the airport was closed (1st time in my flying history of 22 years, miracle in arabs country (egypt) huh!) and i quickly felt homey, rather than annoyed. I miss seeing those scenes. 

Maybe it's the 5 years spent here. Maybe i don't hate it. But i don't know. I hate living here. i hate my house. i  hate my room. i hate that i feel immobile because i don't have a car. i hate the absence of central heating system. I hate the fact that i still can't speak, or understand even, arabic properly. On how i passed all these years without understanding arabic, that's god's miracle, alongside on how i got 1A in bahasa arab tinggi during spm.  I hate malaysian community here. I hate how some people, and doctors, questioning why i still can't communicating in arabic despite living here for 5 years.i mean, hey, that's my line too! Like, hey, i don't know, maybe i'm just a pure stupid, i have a friend who never studied arabic for all her life (unless you count alif ba ta as arabic) and she communicates in arabic better than me. 

i'm not happy here because of my own incompetence. And the incomplete things. fret not A, only a year and a half left. All the best to myself.

Exam is coming in 2 weeks time, and i am so nervous this time. I lost a very precious one (thing?) because i decided to continue doing medicine, this time, willingly, and this exam will reflect my seriousness. The truth is, nothing changes. i'm still the lazy student, got bored and stop paying attention when doctors speak in arabic, which is like 80% of the time, still playing few games and helping people doing thangs when i'm in the mood, still sleep a lot. i know few people disappointed with my unseriousness, but trust me, i'm more disappointed in myself than all of them could ever be. like hey i lost that one, i should treasure medicine and doing well in it, but i'm not. 

i'm not regretting though. Doctor is a noble profession, and i want to be a part of that legacy. it's just, i'm still not adapting to the environment, and living far away from home and comfort is not helping much.

This entry is so whiny, but I don't care what people will think of me - if i ever care, i would've completed my orthodontic treatment 8 years ago- but that one is not the people. I'm so afraid of my result, and i'll study very hard to get a good result. But still, i'm so scared, that if my result is still as bad as my previous exams, that one might feel that one not worth for me. Never!

But, yes, if i have time to worry about how that one might feel if that one can even feel, in theory, then i should have study. 

For that, please pray for me. This incoming osce and mini osce suddenly feel like the biggest exam in my life. Ciao.

-Forty five light years from home,

 to be to where you are....ah impossible.

ps: very advance happy birthday to little nisah z. 11.11.11 yo, gi tunang/kawin/branak/adopt anak plis. (betul kan bday ko11/11?). may allah bless you, and may you be a great lawyer one day :)

I-what up

I got this video link from my friend yesterday, and i immediately drafted it, something i never did before. I saved the link as a blog draft because i think this video is worth sharing, about the modern age slavery, at Foxconn, the company which supply some components of Ipad. Remember the explosion that caused delay of Ipad distribution, which i used to think it's a rumor to cover Apple's ass? Well, it was right, there was an explosion in Chengdu, and there were some casualties. Maybe not news to some, but it's new to me. 

ok, that's an intro. And the video discovery is just adding salt to the wound, more the reasons why i hate jobs and jobs-related products.

Ironically when i went to school today, my friend said, hey did u know jobs is dead? And i was, like, seriously??

He's dead just before i wrote my hate entry for him. He lived quite a life though, and for him to survive until today is already an achievement, he got pancreatic cancer since my high-school year, i don't remember the exact figure, but the prognosis is grim, 5-year survival is less than 10%. ok i made that up, but it's around that, imo. So do i still hate him after he's dead? Of course yes, death doesn't buy sympathy. But I do not deny, he's one great man in term of achievement, creative, visionary, with midas-like touch.

back to the main issue, the video. there are parts of me thinking tho, maybe all the companies pun sama je, but this company is the largest one and mistakes are harder to be covered.. And it scares me, made me feel guilty if all these technology came from the blood and slavery at this age. so blood diamond-ish. ahh lost focus, i wanna write about all my hatred to apple (foxconn) and this slavery thing,but i just wrote this crap. Sooo cannot be a lawyer one.

btw, with this news someone get his mean wish, but i'm sure he's also not happy with it, now that he'll never get to avenge himself.

random #7

1. i don't know if it's hormonal or peer-influenced, but i visited tPF on daily basis since last summer, which i thought it maybe because i wanted to kill timebut apparently it's not! and participated eagerly on forums and it's not good! it makes me develop desire for nice handbags and god they aren't cheap. I'm used to think handbags are just the more durable and nicer version of plastic bags, and i want to stick to this opinion. But    i don't know...I am so grateful those handbags i'm dying for are not easily reachable and i ain't blessed with much time for online shopping (unlike normal people, i spend forever for online shopping, reading reviews and searching for best deals). But seriously, i don't like of whom i'm becoming the one who thinks thousands of dollar per handbag is ok. I mean, with 7k dollar handbag, i'll use it for  carrying some papers, purse, phone, keys, tissue, water pet, and some drugs, and get the same sore if i carry it for the long time. What's the difference with 100 dollar handbag? Nothing, except the 7k handbag has nicer leather and looks slightly nicer and expose me to larger risk of being robbed if i'm in malaysia. handbag is nothing like shoes or gadgets, which i really deserve what i pay, like the comfort of hush puppies or clark's or the crisp sound of sennheiser. ohh i hope i could still think like this in the future, and not succumb to my desire when those handbags of my dream is reachable..

2. I had one of the most severe monthly cramp which didn't recede with usual dose of mefenamic acid, i then topped it with ibuprofen and drugged myself to sleep, and it makes me think oh it must be good not having uterus. if only i could reproduce by belahan dedua.

3. I'm on O&G rotation now. It's obstetric and gynaecology you lame people who think it's obelix and Gasterix oh hear yourself gasterix??? and it's awesome! i don't know why, i mean i used to think i might hate it but not when i'm actually learning it. though, yeah some parts are scary.. but the idea of learning only about 1 system on major rotation really sold me. and it's all women, the patients!


4. Ok fine i admit, the biggest reason why i like o&g rotation is because i only have to take history twice per week. Once my turn once my partner's turn so only need to write once weekly. it's awefreakingsome!
update 2/10: i take back my previous statement. o&g is not that awesome. some doctors (or a doctor actually) was malignant, i felt like being interrogated  while presenting my history (got unlucky, the sole person to present the history today, my lucky strike has come to an end :( ), and it was bad. i admit though it was a bad bad history, in my defence, my patient went to do ultrasound so i couldnt complete my history in time.

5. despite the awesomeness of o&g, (o&g has stopped being awesome to me) it does has the downturn. morning session. so far i've been perfect with my morning session's attendance, but i ran out of breath everyday and i was just lucky for the whole week. 1st day, the morning session started late, 2nd day, i arrived exactly at 8.30, 3rd day, doctor leveled up morning session to 8.15 and changed its location to somewhere only he knew, i was late and lucky to stumble upon him while losing my way to that rendezvous and he was on his way to search for a location everybody knew. 4th day, lucky again, the last one allowed in, 5th day, also lucky, it's video day so he's quite lenient i think. The problem is, next week, he levels up again to 8. drat.

6. i changed my facial care to hada labo and it's awesome! this is my 1st time i change my facial cleanser since i started using facial cleanser 5 years ago so it's a big deal for me. and it's great! i used it for its hydration power and so far it hydrates me well enough, i hope it still works during winter when my face dries a lot that if i don't use moisturizer, i might lose few kgs because of the sloughing. and the other great point is, it reduces blackheads as well! my evil brother took a close-up photo of my blackheads last raya, and now after a month of using hadalabo, i compare my nose now and then and it's so obvious! much less blackheads. i'd like to attach the pictures, but then, the 'before' pic is so gross so i won't. it also reduce pore size for me.
-i use sha range, the 3 siblings of cleanser, moisturising lotion and milk, and sometimes also the uv something which is free with the moisturising set.

7. i watched this documentary about bhutan, the happiest country on earth where 97% of its citizen are happy, despite their poor economic performance, gdp ranking at 156/182. it really opened my eyes, on how the people there protects the nature very much, they chose not having eletricity so that some endangered birds can fly safely, no plastic bags AT ALL, smoking is banned in the country (1st country in the world to do that and it's not even a muslim country huh), 60% of forest is preserved, and many more. If you think it's because they are just people living orthodoxly like cavemen you are wrong because they do have internet and tv and all the new games. they are educated in english since primary school, so that they will become members of international bodies. and they seem very united, what ordinary people said is exactly the same as the head of country said. they all just seem so happy in that nothingness. reminded me on how we live in malaysia. it's just..sad and fearful and disgusting. we malaysian just greed for more material things, we fear we might lost whatever we own and we disgust by our own political drama. well maybe not all, but that what i feel, and people close to me feel. technology does make the world better, but accept it, that's not all we want. it makes us greed for more, and i don't know..it kills the happiness somehow. not that i oppose the technology, but still..all in all, it's one very eye-opening educational documentary from japan, navigated by a handsome youth (hence why i watched in the first place).

Lynas: How those trolls lying directly from their rotten teeth

Before performing maghrib prayer, i kept on eating the desserts while watching malay drama, then tv3 news. And guess what today's lie? Some people, big people, popped up on tv, and insisting that lynas rare earth refinery that is built in Kuantan is SAFE and will not carry environmental hazard.

I gawked at the tv, and exclaimed WHAT THE FUCK ARE  YOU BIG FAT OBNOXIOUS STUPID-LOOKING SHITBRAIN PEE-DRINKING PIGSHIT-EATING BASTARDS TALKED ABOUT??

If they really want to keep that obviously-hazardous refinery project go on, they should say "that refinery will carry some health risk, but its economy benefits will win over the health risk". ie the softer to say we agree to sacrifice innocent lives in order to gain some money yes we are that cruel.

that refinery, is no way near safe. Look at Bukit Merah, which is now in the middle of cleaning up which cost usd 100 million.

I wish to write more, but i'm so sleepy, here's some links for reference.

MMA statement: "Our research has shown there is not a single safe rare earth plant in the world with long term safety profile supported by environmental and epidemiological studies; on the contrary, many plants- in Malaysia, Russia, China and the USA- have been closed due to the hazardous effects on the environment.

What happened in China:

"Rusting pipelines meander for miles from factories processing rare earths in Baotou out to the man-made lake where, mixed with water, the foul-smelling radioactive waste from this industrial process is pumped day after day. No signposts and no paved roads lead here, and as we approach security guards shoo us away and tail us. When we finally break through the cordon and climb sand dunes to reach its brim, an apocalyptic sight greets us: a giant, secret toxic dump, made bigger by every wind turbine we build.

The lake instantly assaults your senses. Stand on the black crust for just seconds and your eyes water and a powerful, acrid stench fills your lungs.

For hours after our visit, my stomach lurched and my head throbbed. We were there for only one hour, but those who live in Mr Yan’s village of Dalahai, and other villages around, breathe in the same poison every day.

Retired farmer Su Bairen, 69, who led us to the lake, says it was initially a novelty – a multi-coloured pond set in farmland as early rare earth factories run by the state-owned Baogang group of companies began work in the Sixties. 

‘At first it was just a hole in the ground,’ he says. ‘When it dried in the winter and summer, it turned into a black crust and children would play on it. Then one or two of them fell through and drowned in the sludge below. Since then, children have stayed away.’

As more factories sprang up, the banks grew higher, the lake grew larger and the stench and fumes grew more overwhelming. 

‘It turned into a mountain that towered over us,’ says Mr Su. ‘Anything we planted just withered, then our animals started to sicken and die.’

People too began to suffer. Dalahai villagers say their teeth began to fall out, their hair turned white at unusually young ages, and they suffered from severe skin and respiratory diseases. Children were born with soft bones and cancer rates rocketed.

Official studies carried out five years ago in Dalahai village confirmed there were unusually high rates of cancer along with high rates of osteoporosis and skin and respiratory diseases. The lake’s radiation levels are ten times higher than in the surrounding countryside, the studies found. 

Since then, maybe because of pressure from the companies operating around the lake, which pump out waste 24 hours a day, the results of ongoing radiation and toxicity tests carried out on the lake have been kept secret and officials have refused to publicly acknowledge health risks to nearby villages."

The gamble of innocent lives

"Despite the potential hazards, the Malaysian government was eager for investment by Lynas, even offering a 12-year tax holiday. If rare earth prices stay at current lofty levels, the refinery will generate $1.7 billion a year in exports starting late next year, equal to nearly 1 percent of the entire Malaysian economy."



-The key here is not the amount or the toxicity of the rare earth itself, but the continuous exposure of the kuantan citizen, considering the closeness of the plant and the residential area. (gebeng is about 30km from kuantan (high density area) and there are many residential areas along the 30km stretch.


-Engineers fear rare earth refinery in Malaysia is dangerous
The construction and design of a rare earths processing plant being built on reclaimed swampland just upriver from an impoverished fishing village may have serious flaws that could result in toxic materials being leaked into the environment.

-The contentions (some)
Currently there are two contentions on the earth plants: First, whether the rare plant can control the radiation generated in the production process. And the second, how to handle and preserve the rare earth tailings extracted from the rare earth. ChenWen, chairman of "Save Malaysia" Committee, told reporters that the factory’s operating period is 20 years, but it has a storage area only for 10 years of tailings. Moreover, earth in the plant is geological soft which means it might lead to leakage of harmful ingredients stored in the storage room.

It's time for environmental team to get ready, for the next 10 years, i'm sure there will be bad consequences for this plant. And by that time, i hope we do have a solid environmental team to fight for the innocent victims.  I prefer for the halt of the project, but sadly i don't have the power to do so. Big monkeys on the top of the chains clearly do not think about the human living below, as long as they get big money.
Environmental team= doctors, nurses, hygienists, lawyers, toxicologists, epidemiologists, economists. (from community med notes)


Update: added 2 links, and made the curse less obvious, because curse is not good and because someone might suspend my duit raya if i curse too much.

Bersih 2.0 aftermath

I watched few wrap-up videos about it, and it was scary to think that it happened like that. How fragile my country is..And the resulting paranoia, cannot trust that jibby and its minions, cannot trust police also. then if, god forbid, crime happened, to whom i should seek help? before, police is no use, buang masa report saja. My house once was burglarised, my dad made police report. police came, took pictures and that's it. but in future, what? police beat us if we report things?

My resolution: For now, i won't choosing sides, though the itch is almost unbearable with one side is so retarded, full of idiots and so corrupt. I need to dig more on the other side and find their weakness. Meanwhile, i need to be better for my country. Better academic, better skill, better personality. better academic so i can be useful to my country. I will be a doctor, they'll need me in whatever condition, peace or war. Better skill for things that shouldn't be said aloud. Technology expands so extensive, i am afraid even my basic is no longer applicable for this current trend. Better personality, the most important one, to not be so selfish so that i won't migrate if my country in turmoil. I hope i can be that...

UPDATE: what happened that day, here. The trustworthy one.

ps1: this. My country is turning into arab tyrant, noooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!

ps2: dear dratry, one more time like that and i'll assign your ringtone to the normal one, the one that i don't bother looking for the phone simply because i am lazy. 

My point, where i stand

" What winners know is, it's not where they stand. It's that they take stand."

1. The hottest Bersih 2.0.
It's today. I agree with all their demands. It's about time.Bersih is supposed to be "bersih" as well from any political movement. But some parties did take advantage over this rally. The opposition tried to show they support this rally, even the alim-ulama just put blind eye over the ambiguous Ambiga, the Bersih leader. <-- This is where i get suspicious over this rally, that woman is anti-Islam, and she's not even trying to shadow it. The usual answer is, ah she's not leading you towards anti-muslim now, she's leading towards a clean and fair election blablabla. But seriously, she's a very capable lawyer, who knows what her true intention is. While, the government side are more retarded. I don't get why they show how hot their pants are. Everybody knows they are restless, their seats are under fire, but for their own sake why they need to be that obvious? As Bersih is supposed to be politically neutral, they should've seize this opportunity and act like they are on citizen's side. Bad actor government..With all those bad and stupid decisions (seizing t-shirts, roadblocks, losing the media integrity etc etc), even the neutral ones like me now are choosing sides, the one which is less stupid.

And the rally itself, well i don't live in kl so my comment is void. If i were the kl-dwellers, i might prone to oppose it (yes i am selfish), and everything that cause traffic jam, including roadblocks because stupid ruthless vvvip crossing the road.Traffic jam is one of the reasons i never consider living in big city.

2. I don't get why we have to be grateful at this and that. Be grateful only if one works more than one should for our own sake. I am rude like that. You know, how people said be grateful, you get to study because of government. Government build the hospital, and only asked you to pay little for medical service. Oh my words, government are not even there if my ancestor, my elders didn't choose them. Government don't have money if my family don't pay taxes. Government don't have their "slaves" if my parents (and me soon) stop working. Government just did what they supposed to do, and we pay them to. Why the need to be that grateful and just kowtow to everything they said? We have voices too though in democracy, my voice and a mental patient's voice is deemed the same value. It should be two-way, we thank government for doing their job well and follow their lead harmonically, and government be grateful for us putting our trust in them. And since i know some people might say, lemma, you get to study overseas because government pay you, in my defense, even without government's help, i can make it here (in that case, here would be UK of course). Scholarship as mine, are rewarded to top students, not government-worshipper and i was the top student, i deserved it. Pardon me if this sounds vain, i'm just stating the truth. And it's because i still want to believe in our government, i still continue studying here with work prospect in Malaysia. I got a much better offer than this, hence this ranting.

3. Again, still about our country. We are multi-racial country, we proud of that. But don't you think, even after  53 years living together, we still see Malay as Malay, Chinese as Chinese, and Indian as Indian. We have gaps.What's that? Why can't we be just one, Malaysian? We talk different languages, with Malay being the official language. Oh, really? What good you get if you can only speak Malay? Nothing. That's why i learnt English diligently. Try speaking Malay in some places, you get treated like crap. Then try speaking English, you'll see the difference. So much for "malay is bumiputra with some special rights", we can't even uphold our official language. I heard/read how people don't get job because they can't speak mandarin. Oh now on top of english, mandarin is also a necessity? This just shows how Malay language hold almost no value in the market. I wonder if some time soon, our official language is changed to English, and we'll become country with no culture.

4. If you love Malaysia much, you'll use proton. You speak Malay in official business. You buy malaysian-made things. You change money in the country. And talk about proton, well, i'm good with it. My family used various types of proton, from saga to exora, and they are all good (speed well, good pickup(pikap?), very good air-conditioner, silent engine though not as powerful as european ones but hey, it's different cc so) with very cheap maintenance.For now, we have 3 cars and all are protons. All of them are/were very good, on par with toyota and honda and nissan (we used them before, hence this statement) in the same price league. So i don't get why people complain so much about proton, maybe my whole family is very lucky for 22 years++, or maybe people are less educated on how to maintain a proton, or maybe people are just suwey (sial-prone). Proton is our country baby-step in automotive field, we need to support them so they can be on par with ferrari one day. The most plastic politicians are the ones that talk excessively to love our country blablabla so vote them, but still using foreign cars. Eat shit la! I promise to try to continue using proton, watch me. And yes, my family do not use proton solely because it's cheap. And we don't have any relationship with proton, the closest one is my father's friend is a proton dealer.

ps: some people have diabetic eyes when they past 24 and complaining it's hard to read my blog because of the colours, hence the new boring layout. Oldies, you guys need vacation and sleep more...

near-death

it took me like, 3 hours, before i realise completely that i'm in real deep sh!t....oh Allah, forgive me, i know i'm too selfish but please let me  pass my paeds rotation this time.

in short, well, if i'm not too lazy, i'll write the full version of today's turmoil. the short version is, i screwed up in my first station (counselling) about down syndrome. i'm down with the down aaaaaarghh. i forgot everything, then made some stuff up, kept beating around the bush, repeating the same mantra of respiratory failure and cv problem then acting like there was a baby in front of me while it was not! crazy much, yes, blame the doctors too, they seemed ok and just followed my flow. this screwing up is beyond stupid medical student, it's too ridiculous and unbelievable. and then i screwed up at the third station too. and there is a possibility i might get 0 for my evaluation (which people usually get 15,17, full mark is 20).

tomorrow i have mini osce, chance to redeem myself. you guys out there, pray for me too...huhuhu

Why paeds can't have their own course like forensic and dentistry?

Alhamdulillah. i passed my exam wooot! as usual, my mark isnt great, but more than what i expected.

I started my last rotation, paediatrics today, and it was beyond sucks. it sucks too much it shouldnt even be taught in medicine. it deserves its own course. urrrrrrrrrghh. belum jumpa budak-budak lagi tu.. the lectures were downright boring, i slept 3/4 of the time. ah, suck it up!

on the other note, whenever there are natural disasters, the world will always go ah pity them, raise donation, make t-shirts and sell it for charity. but whenever there are wars or riots or political chaos, the world just sleep. in fact, wars are the ones that can be put off, it's human-controlled. compare the number of casualties, it's pretty much the same. or worse in war case. where's the logic in this world?

no, i'm not against the good things the world done during the natural disasters. i merely highlight, and pissed off for the double standard, on how they just ignore the war. specifically, palestin.

OT here is like a kitchen

I unexpectedly got the chance to watch a surgery today wooottttt *partay*. It's a surgery to remove thyroglossal cyst (sistrunk procedure) in a baby (shame i dont know the age. i'm not sure his/her gender too, even.). actually, it's not my turn. Mine was for inguinal hernia in a baby, but there's miscommunication between the nurse and the expected students so.. Well, drama asides, tomorrow i will apologize to my groupmates, though they are not angry huhu.

Summary of the surgery procedure. Not reliable, my memory is sometimes comparable to dory in finding nemo.
1. Transverse cut on the skin.
* There were two small veins beside the cyst, dr cauterized them to prevent bleeding

2. Transverse cut on the platysma.

3. Longitudinal cut of the deep cervical fascia.

4. Yeah, in contact with the cyst. Excised it, it's about  1-2 cm length and width, with whitish content.

5. Dr here, accidentally released his scissor (is that the name of that tool?) and lost the tract that he should excise. So, he found it again after some jabbing around, with level 2 difficulty. i made that level, not valid. but it's difficult, dr said.

-this was written two days ago. suddenly chatted my few friends and got too lazy to complete this one.

6. Excised the tract. He should excise the hyoid bone too, but this kid's hyoid bone was abnormally far from the incision. So, dr only excised the tract and the edge of hyoid bone he can see. hyoid bone is excised to prevent recurrence. Here, he should make another incision to excise the hyoid bone, but it's better after the recovery of the current incision. And dr said, it's not necessary, if there is no complain.

7. Yay. Excision completed. Cauterized and sutured the wound, 1st from the inside, suturing the fascia.

8. Sutured the wound at skin level, at dermal-epidermal junction. Dr's words, i dont know how he saw the junction, i thought we can only see it under microscope.

And the surgery room, was like a kitchen seriously. The only sterile ones are doctor and his assistant nurse. I was only clean, not sterile. No scrubbing involved. Seriously the room was shabby, nothing like i've seen on tv. i used to watch some surgery vtr when i was small, and that room was nothing like i've seen. To enter the room, i wore something like jubah seluar, tudung bibik, and face mask. and shoe cover. and the other assistants were annoying. They answered phone call in surgery room, tho it's from the dr's phone. but seriously, it could wait.

Ok, now dreading for a month round in the most horror hospital. I want to make myself invisible!!

other random notes;
1- To those who watched the social network, isnt mark zuck one of biggest shitlike jerkface alive on earth?

2- Cuba lagi by malique and lah ahmad. tho it's nothing near linkin park, but it's nice mainly because of lah. if linkin park is 10, cuba lagi can reach 5-6. great record for malay song. maybe malay language is hard to be sung. cuba lagi, malique and lah!

3-in this month only, there are two big revolution that shocked the world tho the one in egypt is anticipated. it worked quite well in Tunisia, bravo tunisian. in Egypt, still no result, but keep protesting egyptians. I pray from afar. in Malaysia, when? The last time revolution in malaysia, the one while i was there (in malaysia, not in the revolution) was after anwar dethroned. the one where people kept shouting revolusi, revolusi. what happened after that? absolute nothing. still apes who speak trash head the nation, majoritily. i heard of  few revolution after that, like bersih, but again, what's the result?

4. Does malaysia participate in 2011 asian cup? they did, right? and got kicked in the qualifying round, right? isnt that pathetic, ever? jordan, with veryyyyyyy few football field pun qualified into quater final. i live in irbid, jordan, the second biggest city in jordan. and there are only 3 football field i know here, in my uni, in yarmouk uni, and in the stadium. only that. in malaysia, i live in parit buntar, a very small city. and there are maaaany football fields, in housing area, primary schools, high schools, usm, municipal field etc etc. still, malaysian team still suck more than jordan team. pffffffffffffffffffffffttttt. because i was too ashame of my own country, i told my arab friends that malaysia doesnt participate in asian cup. white lie. to malaysian  football team, if you keep this rate, my grandchildren can have their own grandchildren and my grandchildren's grandchildren still couldnt even dream of malaysia playing in world cup. i'm not a football fan, but this is about dignity. football is very universal, and it would help to boost one self-esteem if one country does well in football tournaments.  btw, malaysian athletes are too spoiled, and they dont even perform that well to the degree they are paid. like in hockey. indian team didnt get paid for two years, they have to have other full-time job to keep living, yet, they still can beat the pampered, 6-star-hotel-level malaysian team. pfffffffffffffffffffffffftttttttttttttttttttt again.

IN LIFE THERE IS NO SHORT CUT

.If you want good grade, study effectively.
If you want to be rich, work hard, think smart.
If you want to have nice body, balance your calorie intake and ouput.
etc etc, there is just no short cut in life. you get what you grow, you grow what you sow.
oh, there are exceptions in every case, like prodigies and geniuses, miracle boys and girls, and high metabolisers. AND DONT JUST ASSUME YOU ARE AN EXCEPTION BECAUSE YOU ARE SIMPLY NOT. people dont just know they are exceptions, others tell them.

If there is an easy way, trust me that way is not the right way. i know because i went through it, and i saw a lot.

and my point today is the buzzing mlm  business and pyramid scheme and whatnots. they are everywhere on facebook. i'm honestly surprise how stupid human can be despite passing their high school. they even have guts to tag people on money pics, said that they get it from the mlm business. bloody stoolpig. dont recognise a mlm? easiest way to know one: the scheme that asks you to register, then find your orang bawah (they dont call orang bawah, they use more fantastic words like affiliate, agent etc etc). and they promise you money for every orang bawah you get. they make making money looks easier, while it's damn not. and isnt the whole cari orang bawah sounds stupid? if want to cari orang bawah sangat, go berdakwah la. dapat pahala.

if mlm is good, then what's the use of studying and entering university? why bother about job interview? no brainer, isnt it.

this person, the honorable Aididleaks gracefully wikileaks mlm and pyramid scheme as much as he can. read it, please.

just so you know people, making money is not easy. and it is ok to not have big money. you cant buy happiness with money. you can buy hermes and miumiu, but if you are sad, hermes and miumiu dont comfort you. your family do. your friends do. i dont know about everyone, but that's how it is for me.

i am materialistic. i appreciate money. when i was in boarding school, there was this one time my dad suspended my monthly allowance because of my bad result, which was not that bad. i still scored 100 for math, i was still the no 1 in my class, i was still the top 15 in my batch. it was just, i got C for his speciality, geography. only rm30 per month, and rm10 must be saved for bus fare. and i had to pay for this and that, duit kelas, club fees, some books. i was really in tight, i could only eat in dining hall. i suffered for 3-4 months, and during that time, i only wished exams could come faster. that's why i understand the money craze those mlm people have. it is just i know the world, i know how hard to make money, and i know the rules, i persevere.

my advice, think before you act. do some research first if you want to invest. ah, talking about investing. go go tabung haji, no need to think about zakat anymore. also, the bonus rate is quite high, usually >4% per year. if you want more, you can start researching about stocks, and if you are confident enough, go open trading account to the nearest broker. check the status of the company you want to invest in, is it halal or not. read a few books beforehand, if not, it's the same as if you burn your money.stocks fluctuate a lot, in matters of minutes, and there are maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaany paperworks involved, much much more than the mara agreement, unless you want to pay your broker to settle all of them,and again trust me, you are not going to be good just be reading some. stocks market, in my point of view, is unpredictable. so many companies involved, so many countries, medias, rumours, so many people with unpredictable behaviours, and hackers, servers jammed, blablablabla. i cant write much, this is not my field.

hukum mlm and pyramid scheme: HARAM! means every cent you get from it is also haram. like makan babi.

again, this aididleaks is a must-read.