I was wrong

Quick post:

I'm currently in my 5th posting, few months shy away from MO-ship. Preparing my very best to be a safe doctor.

Housemanship is harsh. I learnt a damn lot, of course, but i in no-freaking-way will encourage anyone to get into it. It's cruel and inhumane.

Which brings me to the point of this post. If you read my whole rant, of how i curse off my medical school, well i'm eating my own shit now. I miss that school so damn much. I miss my doctors. I miss the cleanliness of my hospital. I miss my patients, dedicated and educated patients. I miss the awesome filing system there. I miss the system there, how they do things orderly. I miss the wards there didn't look like something fresh from old History textbook on war hospital. Or refugee camp or something.

I only realise, upon reflecting when i was down post scolding for things most of the time not even my fault, that i've been taught at a great medical school in such a tender manner. My doctors taught and emphasised me well on what is what. While some of them were scary, but at least i don't hate them. ok well i might hate SS but then his CV is awesome and he actually didn't personally trouble me and he did praise me once. But here...erm let's not start, because i promise myself to stop swearing.

I was wrong.

I had great time in medical school. Made awesome friends for life. Taught by great doctors. Met and inspired by great people. survived. And, learnt by heart, though i'm not really sure how i did that. i mean, i was quite a caveman there, but those cave time were spent on, well, games, movies, games.

I miss you, Jordan.

The End #4: Journey home

I'm home :))

Well, this probably means the end of this space, but who knows, if somehow i get bored and update this space with the final saga.

The feeling is great!! No more scheduled meals and eating gluttonously for fearing i might miss those precious meals, no more worrying about coming back to Jordan, no more using temporary items! I'll get my own bank account which i can manage by myself yay!!!!

Of course i fear of the commitments i'll have to make, but who cares about that now muahaha. As usual, things like that, plan now and worry later la.

I left Jordan in peace, i hope everyone in Jordan also let me go in peace too. So far i do not miss Jordan, but i do have some difficulty adapting here. I was very aggressive in Jordan, and my family did not know that so they were in great shock watching me amok at Secret Recipe just few minutes after i landed in Penang because my lemon tea was so sour. I crossed the streets without looking, and that almost sent my dad to ER because of possible angina. The food is really great here, really suits my taste bud so i'm fine in that category.

My journey home: I flew by Emirates for the first time, and it was great!!! During check-in, my baggage was 48kg, excess by 18kg. I kinda expected that so i just paid the penalty. Besides, what else could i do? Cargo-ing those stuff would probably cost the same, and give me headache for waiting and worrying about them. The downside was, they didn't allow me to pay the penalty for my connecting flight to Penang so i had to collect my stuff at KLIA. But that was actually a blessing in disguise hihi.

So, the first flight: Amman-Dubai. It was ok, the food was nice, i slept almost the entire flight. Only woke up for dinner and went to toilet afterwards, then back into deep sleep. I told my girls to pray for me to get awesome partner to sit beside me, not sure if they prayed or not. A very old American couple sat beside me, at first I was disappointed (was hoping for handsome gentleman :p), but they were so nice so i guessed maybe my girls did pray for me. Because my cabin luggage was so heavy, i had to take out my laptop and put under the front seat, but when i woke up from my coma, the laptop wasn't there. They helped me find it, by asking the nice old man sitting on the front seat :)

Then, the transit. Dubai Airport. It was so big, and i was alone. The first thing i searched after toilet and musolla was the meal voucher counter haha. My dad gave me very specific direction, but directionally-challenged me still had some troubles finding it. Then, i went to the farthest terminal (terminal C, i was in Terminal B) just to get my Thai cuisine, and it worth every steps i took. I'm so learning cooking Thai cuisine now! Then, went back to my terminal (the board said estimated time for walking between those terminal was 28 minutes. Went to eat, by the time i reached my terminal, i was hungry again grr)

After cleaning myself, i sat at those reclined-seat like an old man and waited for boarding. Didn't have to wait too long though, because i was so lost before, that 6 hours+ transit was actually like 3 hours transit minus the lost time. 3 hours+ = Toilet time for 1 hour, musolla time 1 hour, eating time 1 hour and the rest was spent resting on that  seat.

Then, boarding. I already selected an awesome seat online so i boarded like usual. Besides, the boarding pass given in Amman also stated my selected seat so i expected nothing..until the guy at boarding counter asked for my passport. I was like, whatev dude i just need my sleep (didn't sleep the entire night before, packing like a madman. PSA to all final year students: start packing for your going-back-for-good now!!!). Then, the guy looked at me twice to compare with the passport, and then gave me a new boarding pass and said, "Business class, enjoy!". It didn't sink in yet, until i went to the toilet in the gate, and looked at my new boarding pass and read/spelled clearly, BUSINESS. I lost my mind, whatsapped my family and my girls like crazy and then went back to the toilet to dance in euphoria.

the piece of joy

It was Airbus A380, and business class was on the upper deck. During my very first  flight to Jordan, i got business class seat too on Boeing Jumbo, 787 kot, but it was nothing compare to this time. That time, i had to climb some stairs to go to my seat, this time i rode an elevator straight to my seat. Also, because my very first flight to Jordan was chartered, business class that time only means wider seat and bigger screen, and because i sat directly behind the cockpit, the pilot invited us for cockpit little tour. Same treatment and food as everyone. This time, it's heaven. Heaven! Flat-bed seat with mattress, foods at my request anytime, shelf filled with drinks, Bvlgari travel kit, dining on china alhamdulillah..I didn't want to sleep at first because i wanted to savour every second there, but i had to succumb to my physiological need. But at least, i got to sleep like a boss in that flat bed seat :) .. I'm not sure why i got upgraded, either because i paid the excess baggage like a boss, or they saw my stethoscope in my backpack. You know, doctors sometime can get free upgrade to business class, according to my untrustworthy friend. Or probably Emirates knew i just graduated and wanted to celebrate it.

Anyway, the highlight was..i wasn't sure how i slept, but when i woke up after breakfast, my ring (my only ring) was gone! The ring! I went into panic mode, ran to the toilet, checked the bin, checked my seat hundreds times, and finally saw it.

See that arrow? My ring fell into the small space under the seat. I tried to reach it, but accidentally pushed it further inside. At that time, the plane was already descending! I thought, ah just let it go la, can find another ring in KLIA that probably looked the same, mom won't notice it. But then, money money money!! So, after everyone were out, i informed the stewardess about my ring. She opened the seat cover and sought for the ring, but she couldn't find it so she called another steward, and the chain continued. At last, almost all the cabin crews knew about my ring, and 5 of them were searching for it seriously. While waiting, some of them took me for business class tour, and offered me foods (again!) but i declined because i was too anxious and full. Finally, 2 of the 5 saw the ring and they decided to call the aircraft engineer to get it because it was unreachable by hand or normal tools. After 5 minutes, the engineer arrived, he's local Chinese and looked annoyed but i didn't care. I just needed my ring. He opened the seat, like really opened the seat, taking out screws and things and still couldn't see it. He asked me and the 2 cabin crew again if we really saw my ring or mistaken it with the screws (my ring is white gold, but it's shining so i was confident i did see my ring). I firmly said i did see my ring, but the cabin crew began to doubt themselves..Anyway, he kept on searching, and opened the seat more and more until only the metal frame left. His friend also came to help and brought more tools.

Finally, after 30-40 minutes of waiting, the engineer finally saw my ring! It was so deep, even with his awesome tools, it was so hard to take it out. After careful reaching in, he finally got to grab the ring and take it out safely :) Everyone was cheering like mad that time haha. They asked me if the ring was important, i said yes, very important. Then, they asked, is that your wedding band? haha. Also, that time, the land crew kept bugging the cabin crew asking whether the flight was ready to embark, our cabin crew were quite pissed off with them and used me as an excuse for the delay in a cheeky way, which is totally right. If the KUL-DUBAI trip that night was delayed, i sincerely apologise, because it was single-handedly my fault haha.

The ring, nicknamed as the stubborn ring by the cabin crews. Has the power to scare away flirtatious guys.

Then, i got out from the flight and stumbled upon other cabin crew on the way to immigration, and everyone asked about my ring haha. I just showed them my ring finger and grinned widely. We proceeded to collect our bags..and..i was stumped by the ridiculous number of police there. All my bags and boxes arrived safely, by the way.

There were around 20-30 policemen escorting some Koreans loosely. I caught a glimpse of those Koreans, and thinking ah probably some diplomats. I was very close to them so i couldn't stare at them longer because it'd be rude. But then, a women dashed to me, and clicking her phone overzealously. I gave her "the" look, but she kept on clicking, and the Koreans and the police didn't do anything, they didn't even get mad so i just bore with it. Because the troop was so slow, i overtook them and hurriedly went to catch my Penang flight.

At the arrival gate, there were lots of women screaming at the top of their lungs words i couldn't fathom..and clicking their cameras, complete with fans and boards saying "Lee Min Ho". Ooook, so the Koreans were Lee Min Ho and his gang la. Hurm...if only he was a Linkin Park. Anyway, i braved my way forward and went upstairs for departure.

I wrapped my boxes again, and queued to drop my bag. At the counter, again, i told the man in advance that  i had to pay for excess baggage. And alhamdulillah everything went well, the man somehow managed to make me pay ridiculously low amount for that 18kg :) rm5/kg hihi. Then i went straight to the gate, only to find out my flight was delayed for 40 minutes. Played Ace Traffic while waiting, and some Japanese old men were so fascinated by it and offered to help, but also failed haha. That level was so hard!

Then, penang flight: slept the entire flight, didn't even realize anything, taking off, landing, refreshment. At Penang, collected all my bags and boxes, and waited for my family for 3 hours, they were stuck in massive traffic jam because of accidents :(.. I waited at Secret Recipe, and ordered Tomyam Mee (because i was still high on Thai cuisine) and Iced Lemon Tea, and mengamuk as per above reason. They made me new drink and made me taste the drink beforehand after that. Ate my food slowly because it was too hot, and finally 3 hours later my family came, and finished it. And we went to heaven (home sweet home) after that :)

All in all, it was the most memorable journey i've ever had, and it should be. It was the clear transitional period, from a mere girl to a woman full of commitments. I was so afraid i'd weep the entire journey, but thank god the journey itself was so adventurous and exciting to keep my mind busy. With this, i bid adieu to Jordan, and i wish for the best to us all.

ps: This very long post is written on 3 jetlagged nights.

.

The End #1

Alhamdulillah, I've graduated :)

It's late and everyone who reads this blog probably already knew, but i just need to write for the sake of completion of the quagmire hehe. I finished my last exam (oral Surgery, which scared me shitless, will write more in special final chapter, that is if i'm not lazy la) on 22/5/13, and i got my result the next day. I was among the very first students to see the result due to my ridiculously awesome survival skill.

That day, instead of feeling on top of the world, i just felt relieved, and that's it. 1 of my strongest motivation all these years, and specifically during the great final period was, once is enough, and again, alhamdulillah :)
It didn't kick in that i've graduated, until i have to fill some forms/update some information, i realized that i was no longer a student. Yet, it's not a happy feeling. It's heavy, feeling burdened which almost sent me direct into depression. Satisfaction? Not really. I tried my very best of course, studied the hardest i could in my entire life, but i did that not under my own will. I felt forced, and i had to do that because it was my responsibility.

Don't get me wrong. I still won't waive and change my path. I'm actually excited to enter the work field, meeting patients and treat them. That gives me satisfaction, helping people in need. (I sound saint right hahahahaha i told you people i'm baik!!). It's just, studying for final didn't feel the same and i was studying things i didn't (probably still don't) really like. But it's all in the past now so..

But one thing. I'm proud of myself :)

And i do think i deserve to. For those of you who know my whole story, i really do, right? To kill the past me and rise anew as almost completely different character was hard. I learnt a lot these past 6 years, to bow my head, to always smile, accept that i no longer the center of the universe, accept that i do not know a thing and have to ask, to socialize. I learnt a lot about myself, and accept my flaws and limits. I learnt a-whole-lot about people, and i accept that people will not care about you, people only care about themselves and that's fine. Ideally, if everyone only cares about themselves and threads carefully in every situations, tiptoes slowly and gracefully on narrow bridges, no one will get hurt, right? In that situation, those who do get hurt (the weak and the stupid) only have themselves to blame, and it's fair for everyone. Survival of the fittest, the rule of the nature. But of course, that's not how the real world is. I let go of things very dearly to me, tried to embrace things i once hated (which progressing slowly, but positively :) :).. ).

If i were to comment anything about my path to MBBS per se, it's not hard. Definitely not easy, but not hard.  Always, i barely studied and i passed, alhamdulillah. I guess i can say that's hidden blessing from Allah. My parents, especially my dad, prayed all the time for my study. I have trouble learning new languages so despite the 6 years living here, i still don't understand Arabic and the rounds didn't benefit me as much as i hoped, but i scraped through alive. My weak memory didn't help either. When i said weak, i mean really weak, as in when i read a long sentence in the textbook, by the 5th line i have to reread because i forget the point earlier. I can understand things easily (well it's not that hard) but in balance, i forget things easily too. But alhamdulillah, most of the times i always got nice examiners so..Even when i got the established malignant doctors as my examiners, they strangely were nice to me. Probably because they pitied me kot..

Anyway, it was a wonderful journey, filled with exhilarating ups and dejected downs. I sincerely thank everyone i've met in this journey and may Allah bless all of you. Sorry for everything.

I do no fail!

I found this pic on Facebook earlier, addressed towards SPM students. Like seriously? those kids are preparing themselves their best, and you talked that failure is ok? What a screwed-up adult.

I don't know how other people do it, but me, failure is DISASTER! try your best, as if your whole life is depending on it, in everything, to avoid failure. And talking about failure BEFORE being in the battle field is a taboo! Why considering being fail as an option when you don't start fighting? Like, if failure is an option, why bother fighting at all?

Of course, there are times we try our best and we fail, but that's a whole different story. And after that happens only will we think about it. By thinking, i mean think how to get up again and move on, not dwelling on it. And that's the perfect time to use the above pic.

Not thinking about failure so far drives me good, it gives me confidence, or fake it.

And for SPM students, or any high school students reading this, if you think SPM is not important, think again. I aced my SPM, and although i'm not really doing good now, but at least i do not suffer. And the lucrative money incentive wa$ nice :). And the chance to choose whatever and wherever i want to study was also nice, would be nicer if i could actually choose. And again, the money wa$ really nice, $eriou$ly. And the dinner celebrations. And your self-esteem would skyrocket so high because everyone wanted to know you, and some wanted to sponsor you. And the scholarship..nice..6 years being a sponsored student, never once i worry about financial. But if you still think these aren't worth it, then i'll rest my case.

By the way, it bothers me how people always talking about failures, and the huge success after it. Well, they are famous, can't deny it, but how about people who always succeed, and keep succeeding in life? and those people are not famous, because they'll usually end up being an academicians or doctors or whatever boring jobs which is not cool but extremely vital to the humanity.

And i am not afraid to fail. Erm... ok fine i do afraid of failing, a little, deep down..  I don't take failure as an option and i will do anything i can to succeed. Moreover, failure in my field, will usually results in death. renal failure, heart failure, the most common failure in my field, and they are not nice. Now still consider failure?

random #1

1. If i were to live alone now, (alone means no housemate), i would have hired a maid and adopted a baby already. but it will never possible. because i will never live alone, and babies hate me by default.

2. Butterflies smell with their feet and they smell by stepping on the stimuli. maybe vets study the cns 2 of the butterflies. and i'm dead just now, and reincarnate into the same body. killed by the mention of cns of butterfly.

3. I got lethargic easily nowadays...aargh not helping at all with the fact that my life is on the edge, academically and financially. maybe emotionally too, but i dont really have much emotion left too. haha, curi ayat osmet.

4. I met too much of this kind of people. they find their own problem, then got haywire, then find me for consolation. like, an amateur who lost in an established game tournament, then frustrated, or someone who always wears pricey things, then got robbed, or a slut got bombed. ok, the last statement is an extreme example that doesnt happen to me, but the same ship. i mean, they did like they want, and they got what they want but in opposite way. i did console them, i pitied them but in the same time i wish i could say these things to them.  well, maybe because i am a very conserved girl, and i cant understand their heart of why they find troubles. if you are already comfort with your life, would you gamble it for eternal happiness you cant guaranteed? being the conserved me, i call that stupid. like you trade all your fortune in only one kind of stock.

5. optic nerve is purely sensory. the sensory part of facial nerve is called nervus intermidus (i'm not sure with the spelling). some classified that nervus thing as the 13th cranial nerve. the 13th hohohoh. there's no purely motor cranial nerve.

6. i voted for my uni election, they called it intikhabat. i remembered my mum always said things like, jgn khabat2 almari kat skolah nanti, nnt jatuh patah tangan, during my high school period. khabat2 means climb. i thought it's terengganu slang, until i told off my baby cousin the same thing and my aunt was like, wtf are you saying? my mum likes to make up weird words, yes. and claim those words as terengganu slang.

7. harry potter does has epilogue. die of embarassment.

8. i'm thinking of subbing my work. sub as sub contractor. aargh die of finding good words. maybe i should sub my dad. yes yes. and to found out he wrote phyton, this thought cancels the previous thought. aargh, i wish a samad said's daughter is married to brother.brother, brother who?

9. solatlah. solat tiang agama. SERIOUSLY. Some claim ah aku tak pakai tudung but i pray. so i'm better than the other ones. the other ones claim tak solat tak sempat ok. at least aku tutup aurat. and the other other group just boldly dont pray, because dont feel like it. just like watching porn then announce to the whole wide world they did watch. its not something you should be proud of, but people keep losing their sensitivity towards this type of thing. and to think that this happens to people i know, is heart-crushing. dont go call people who pray and dont watch porn as ala, alim r tuh. we are just doing what we have promised. and you should too. and please dont turn this clause into another fight. typical malay.

10. its 3 in the morning.a peaceful morning, after so much virtual turmoils last night. if i werent a mara scholar, i can see the real world turmoil too. jpa scholars in my uni cant vote (been sabotaged by the uni maybe, using the reason jpa paid the fees late). go mara go. beace mouse peace.

11. allah has granted one of my prayer. i feel grateful. alhamdulillah, got several friends boarding the same day, so, yay! saved from irritating god-knows-how-long lectures about safety from my parents.

Good medical students dont eat salad at restaurants

'Twas a random weekday noon. Dad called.

"kakak balik naa. abah dah prepare skit2 ni untuk kakak pi london."

"hah, london. buat pe?" (dalam hati kata, abah ni, nak soping pon, tunggula abih sem. bukan dia takdak jadual aku)

"eh, bukan haritu kata nak tukar course ka? nak masuk london hapebende school tu. abah dah suruh cikgu ***** tunggu kakak kat sana dah. abah tak leh pi time tu, ada kerja."

"EH BETUI KE NI..ABAH TAK MARAH KE KAKAK QUIT MEDIC?"

"alah balik je la kak oi."

Then it went pitch black. maybe i fainted. minutes later, i heard voices from afar, saying,
"A, A, bangun bangun. dah kul 1030 ni." (my class starts at 1115, and journey to my class is 5 mins running to bus station, 3-15 mins to wait for the bus departure, 20 minutes on bus ride, plus 10 minutes running to class from main gate)

*****

It was a dream i really hope to come to life. but impressively, i didnt cry. i still have enough time to turn my path 180 degree around, but i dont and i feel like i want to keep living this path.

recently, i met my friend and she brought up the i-was-really-gifted story. i was ok when i talked to her, i didnt feel anything. but on the way back, i kept thinking, why am i such a scum now? and i cried reflexly. at that time, i kept thinking about my past, the feeling of i can excel it, the feeling of the champ, being on the top, teachers' pet, studying with passion, winning and winning, being referred as the genius, feared even by nerdy and thick-spectacled fellow asians. then i compared with the me now, who lives like what my brother called, babi. makan, tido. when exams come, i study just to barely reach the threshold of naik taun. and top it with the feeling of, it's enough. hell it doesnt. and when my heart denies it, i comfort it with the i-dont-like-it-so-it's-ok feeling. but for how long?

and whenever those complicated feelings arise, i thought, why dont i go? for good or for worse, it's a matter no one knows. the road is clear for now, with the only obstacle being is the parents.no, not parents, it's only abah. or maybe i'm just too scare to risk this comfortable life, and use abah as my reason.

but today, for once, i feel motivated and very keen to live as medical student. though i dont open any medical books for god-knows how long and still dont, but it's the spirit that counts. may it be a good sign. may i be a good muslim doctor in 2013.

a gazillion people told me to live my dream, and told gazillion stories on how people overcome their problems only to get things their ways, but for me, i put my parents first.sounds too saint,huh..but seriously, i have to put my parents first.even if it means living their way, as if i'm their puppet. family tradition, maybe. dad listened to tok wan, he became a teacher instead of an air force. mama listened to pak teh (tok ki doesnt care much), she became a teacher too. ayong listened to abah and mama, he became a teacher too, instead of engineer or it analyst or thousands things he could be. and me, you know the drill.

why parents first? well, of course, it's default by nature. even in islam, as long as parent dont ask for bad things, obey them. and another major issue, i always think, mama and abah will never leave me, when everybody else does. my parents are a wee bit strict on certain issues, and i know there must be a concrete reason behind. i know i really suck in relationship, and how almost everybody hurts by me, and hurts me back, but miraculously my parents never be one of them eventhough they are ones of the three who know me since i was born. (the third being is my bro and he hurts me every second possible.) i just love my parents, and i want them proud of me, just as much as they proud of my brother being a teacher. somehow, i think, my parents must hate glamourous things. i mean, having an engineer son is a glamour thing. malay said, saham tinggi. but my parents..they must have third eye, see the unseen. though i prefer having an engineer brother, so my chance to get an engineer/architect husband is higher.

pen off, with a will to wake up early tomorrow and be a good medical student, and stabilize my life back. on the other small note, two nights ago, i screamed like a banshee after weighing myself. i gained 6kg after my egypt cheap food paradise vacation. have scheduled the 6kg-less plan, and have followed it. hope it works.

I will strive in medicine and wont touch this issue again. (i hope)

We choose to live, so live it lively

In life, we undeniably choose our on way, our own consequences. But we can't control our fate. We plan nicely, we organise neatly, but who knows the storm that waits in the end? Or who knows if the end is heaven. And it's all begin from our choice, that we have made wether willingly or forcibly.

Let see this example, of myself.

When i was a child, i wanted to be a doctor, mainly because doctors usually have lots of money. Yeah, i am materialistic, maybe by nature. Blame my parents for being really restrictive, and very observant on the way i spent my money. My parents didn't allow us (my bro and i) to hold our own money.I asked for things, and usually i got them in the end, but of course with hurdles to pass through. Like, to gain a brand new cd games, i have to help my dad settle his things with textbooks (abah cikgu buku text time tu). tolong cop buku text, yang mountains bey! satu store, mountains of textbook yang memang lagi tinggi dari aku, settle dalam sehari. tu baru untuk cd games pirate, yang biasanya dalam 3-4 bulan lepas game keluar.

At that time, i always wish if only i have more money. Ye la, that time, my only money supplier was my parents. They gave me only what i need, never more. 50 cents for school expenditure, until i was in standard 5. I had my primary education in rural area, and mostly my friend are from family of estate workers and i may say,poorer than me, but still my daily allowance was the lowest in my class. Lima kupang time darjah 1-3, boleh beli nasi lemak+air or buah. Tapi naik darjah 4-6, tender tukar.nasi lemak jadi 3 kupang,tak sedap.nasik lemak sedap, 5 kupang, tapi habihla duit aku. time tu, aku save duit hari-hari untuk tabung game+komik. Aku nak duit lebih tapi abah tak bagi. Tu pasal aku selalu cilok masuk bilik guru makan mak aku punye kuih.

Then, in high school, i was kind of rebellious. I didn't go to school of my choice ( but know i am grateful i've attended the best school, and my parents are never wrong), and i can say that i didn't really aware about my perfomance in study during the lower form. But that didn't mean i slipped from the top 3 spot, but i can say, i maintained my spot largely due to poor performance of others.I didn't even know what i wanted to be at that time, but i just randomly said i want to be a doctor, mainly because that's what my dad wanted (and still wants) me to be.

But when i was in upper form, i was in love (much more than i already did) with numbers. I changed my ambition into numerical field of occupation that i can think of, but seriously i couldn't think of any. I meant, i was quite good at math and its siblings, but i hate accounts and didn't took it in my spm. Then came was this youth and i discovered the world of actuarial science. But still, i don't actually like it, because i hate statistics. Ok, that's gonna be another post of it, but i set, i want to further my study in math.

And now, i was destined to study medicine. I don't blame anyone for this fact, i chose it. Yeah, sure, it was my parents', but still, i chose to obey them. And because i chose it, the only way left is to survive.

I despise those who chose but then, complaining about this and that, or turning the way back, or still vaguely don't know what to do, thinking wether it's a good choice. Once we made the choice, voila, that's it. Just work it out la bangang. The way won't clear by the bitching, the obstacles won't be lifted by the grumpiness, and the victory will certainly not to be achieved by doing that.

Oh i forgot. Maybe those people aiming the only other way than victory, which i shall not mention since that won't be my way forever.

We can't secure success, but we strive if we want it. Sometimes we strive yet we fail, and it is frustrating. I experienced that bitter moments, and it makes me appreciating the good days more and more, and reminding me to the Controller. And i think we all need those moments for reminder, but i hope for those to come, please be it within my capability.

And sometimes, in the middle of our journey, we succumb to certain persuasions. macam kau tengah study, then kau penat atau otak kau blank sebab kau tak baca quran selalu so hati kau pon gelap study pon tak masuk otak, maka kau tengok movies. one after another, then you realized the exam is only hours away. time ni, pikir-pikir sendiri la ape jadi, and tahap tawakkal memang melangit tinggi. time tu baru bangun solat hajat, tahajjud, witir segala. manusia tanggang malin kundang.

And also sometimes, our visions are wrong and we need to change the way we went through, yet we don't realize it. And when some other caring people point it out, throw away the ego and admit it and change. I just went through this phase, and it's hard. And luckily this time, the one that gives me the reminder is one of my alter-ego. Thank you. Tapi macam biasala, kalau salah, orang tak mengaku salah. siap gaduh jerit kat skype lagi kan (sori-sori sori..haha). hah, now i recall some points. Some people complaining about something that bugging them, yet they NEVER realize that the main source of the problems comes from themselves. then when some other caring people try to straighten them out, they get angry (fool!) and say, "hey, everybody did it!" or "no i'm not like that". I am in no mood to argue with this kind of fool, but i am so happy that there are still some kind of good people that can stand dealing with them. i hope this good people will stay good, and this fools will finally open their eyes and minds. Sometimes, the mistakes are not just perception, but it's gazetted. So, we are too, gazetted to avoid them. This is a very basic concept, even a kindergartener can understand it. But human being human, when ego solidifies, we can't see the truth.

*****

Entahla, entry ni sebenanye nak tulih lain, tapi macam bese, jadi bahasa lain dan maksud pun lain. Musykil aku cemane aku boleh pass esei bm+ english dedulu.

*******

Aku pelik kenape menara ni tak sefemes pisa tu.mungkin dia punya darjah kecondongan tak cukup hebat lagi. tapi perak memang kong. sikit pun tak preserve bende ni, aku syak 5-10 taun lagi diorang bagi runtuh la tu, buat mall baru. Kat dalam menara ni gerun gak weh, tengah-tengah dia ada telaga, pastu dia ni zaman aku pegi tu(f4,2005) kayu, kite jalan tepi-tepi dia.kire macam kau jalan belah dalam tu, dalam keadaan mendaki, ukur lilit menara ni. kau bayang model dna tu,hah, jalan dalam dia melalui base tu, jangan cross hydrogen bond tu,and jalan terus ke atas.panjang pulak description. Aku pegi sini, lari-lari dengan mak ucu siah(name gleme skarang, ashiya), orang lain pi shopping barang alang-alang transit on the way back to our isolated school, kitorang pegi sini. Bajet ahli arkeologi.

ps: Even if i am a millionaire, i will not throw away my part-time task. I am not blonde and key-yel. Some say, lost a pence but gain a pound, but for me, i prefer not to lost what's already mine, even if it's a pence.

Empty Decorations

I wake in the dawn to showers of light
Moments of emptiness surround
Floating away with auras of hope
But reality brings me.. to the ground
What can i do ?
What can i say ?
I need a place to hide away
Just for a while, just for a smile
Just for the life i used to know

Where every song
Was filled with words of love and not of anger
Where did they go ?
Why did they leave me far behind ?
Cause i don't wanna be alone
Living life all on my own
I don't wanna live my life in isolation
Filled with empty decorations
Cause i wanna be with people that i know
Who will do the things i do
Making all my dreams come true
I don't recognise the shadows on my door
Although i've seen them all before
Because the only thing i really want is to be with you...

I look at the sky, it looks back at me
I can't hear the silent melodies
I know that i'm here yet i am lost
Blown in confusion by the breeze
Hiding my face, crying alone
I need to find my way back home
Back to the place, the wonderful days
Living the life i used to know

Where every smile
Was born out of a love and of sincerity
And every tear of everflowing joy..

I'm Not Racist

Sem 1,2005

Kelas Fizik.Tetibe, ade utusan yang siqah(boleh dipercayai) membawa khabar gembira."petang ni xdak prep."[applause and cheering]

Di aspura,lepas makan dan solat.dalam pukul 3.15 petang.

"Perhatian kepada sume warga aspura,sile bersiap sedia untuk ke prep petang anda."announce sorang mawas pengawas.dalam cite ni,kite panggil die shahril sudah.

Dan kmudian,adela segolongan pelajar yang maju ke hadapan kalau bab2 xdak prep,xdak klas,cuti,(macam han), membuat bantahan secara nyata,menegakkan benang yang kering, bahawasanya prep petang pada hari itu memang takdak.Ye la,memang xdak pon. Ape ke nerd sgt ke nak gi skolah hari xdak prep?

Shahril terasa tercabar. Kewibawaan diri sebagai mawas pengawas bagai dilapah-lapah disiat-siat bila ade orang wat camtu kat dia.ye la,prefect.Mane leh salah,aku prefect. Tapi, die still waras lalu pergi mensurekan ade ke tak prep petang tu.

Dan berita diterima shahril,agak memalukan tapi itulah kebenaran. Prep petang tuh memang takdak. Nak tak nak, maruah terpaksa diketepikan. Announcement pembetulan takdak prep wajib dilakukan.

Maka die pon wat la announce takdak prep tuh.[ayat announce tu dah x ingat,boleh pikir sdiri]
Dan kemudiannye, golongan pelajar yang membuat bantahan terbuka tadi tu, dgn penuh semangat kesukanan dan kewajaan, memBOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! Shahril. Tu la,orang dah kata takdak prep tanak percaya. ala, bese la kan,boo orang salah.best best.Tambah tambah lak orang tu prefect.

dan berita aku dapat isnin depannya,dari akak naqibah dorm aku, beberapa orang dari golongan pelajar maju tu telah diberi cuti percuma selama seminggu,xyah mc.dalam erti kata lain,digantung seminggu sebab boooooo! Shahril.

--ni cite benar tak tipu langsung--

****

Pointnye, aku nak cakap orang macam Shahril ni. Ye la,kalau kita berkuasa, tak bererti kita tau sume benda. Maka, toong la make sure arahan yang nak diberi tu,satu arahan yang valid sebelum memberi arahan kat orang lain.Abah aku panggil, orang macam Shahril ni, keling pakai uniform. Keling pakai uniform ni, kriteria dia ada dua.kalau anda ada salah satu dari kriteria ini, maka anda pon ibarat keling pakai uniform.

1. Dia macam Shahril la, bagi arahan yang tak valid. Memang la lumrah petang weekdays ade prep tapi apeke durhaka sangat ke nak melawan cakap cikgu. Cikgu cakap takdak prep takdak la.Study la senyap2 atas katil.Seperti keling pakai uniform, dia ingat dia pakai uniform bagi arahan sume orang ikut membabi buta. piiiiirah, ingat orang bongok sangat.orang sume skarang dah cerdik dan celik,dah mumayyiz dan peka dengan arahan yang betul.

2. Dia akan utamakan tugas dia yang x penting tu dari wat tugas utama dia. Ni abah aku selalu sindir abang aku. Tanak balik rumah sebab ade program universiti. piiiirah. sape bela kau dari kecik ha abang? jkk kolej kau ke? (tapi aku tau,abah rindu abang sebenarnye tapi malu nak ngaku.pon piiirah!).kalau macam keling pakai uniform jage parking lak, tengokla. dia lagi nampak orang yang parking dia dah expired tempoh dari nampak orang scratch kete orang lain.Bukan ke tugas utama penjaga parking ialah menjaga keselamatan kereta-keretea yang dipark itu? kalu x, tak pulak orang parking kete kat carpark.tapi tu yang dulu nya style nya keling la. keling jage parking skarang banyak yang dah thumbs up dah. boleh speaking macam samivellu pon ramai.

Dan aku benci keling pakai uniform dalam hal ini.ini tak termasuk keling pakai uniform yang bese-bese macam keling petronas yang suka cuci tingkap, keling pilot kat taman aku, keling ex-doktor gigi aku dan lain-lain lagi.pendek kate,aku benci mereka yang berperangai ibarat keling pakai uniform atau macam Shahril. Tapi kadang-kadang aku terfikir, mungkin mereka masih.....ah sensitif skit ni xyah cakap.Orang yang cepat pikap,dia paham la.tapi kalau x paham,x bermakna anda lambat pikap.mungkin jugak aku berbahasa pali.Tapi bese la hidup, kalu x jumpe orang camni, nanti kite lupa diri lalu kita pon berperangai macam keling pakai uniform gak. tak ke sadist camtu?

Oh panjang umur abah, baru sebut2 dia, dah buzz dah ni. nasib baik ym x leh send bau, kalau tak dah lame aku send bau kambing/lembu/unta, yang dah sebati ngan baju aku ni, bukti aku potong daging tadi.

Cheers.