'Twas a random weekday noon. Dad called.
"kakak balik naa. abah dah prepare skit2 ni untuk kakak pi london."
"hah, london. buat pe?" (dalam hati kata, abah ni, nak soping pon, tunggula abih sem. bukan dia takdak jadual aku)
"eh, bukan haritu kata nak tukar course ka? nak masuk london hapebende school tu. abah dah suruh cikgu ***** tunggu kakak kat sana dah. abah tak leh pi time tu, ada kerja."
"EH BETUI KE NI..ABAH TAK MARAH KE KAKAK QUIT MEDIC?"
"alah balik je la kak oi."
Then it went pitch black. maybe i fainted. minutes later, i heard voices from afar, saying,
"A, A, bangun bangun. dah kul 1030 ni." (my class starts at 1115, and journey to my class is 5 mins running to bus station, 3-15 mins to wait for the bus departure, 20 minutes on bus ride, plus 10 minutes running to class from main gate)
It was a dream i really hope to come to life. but impressively, i didnt cry. i still have enough time to turn my path 180 degree around, but i dont and i feel like i want to keep living this path.
recently, i met my friend and she brought up the i-was-really-gifted story. i was ok when i talked to her, i didnt feel anything. but on the way back, i kept thinking, why am i such a scum now? and i cried reflexly. at that time, i kept thinking about my past, the feeling of i can excel it, the feeling of the champ, being on the top, teachers' pet, studying with passion, winning and winning, being referred as the genius, feared even by nerdy and thick-spectacled fellow asians. then i compared with the me now, who lives like what my brother called, babi. makan, tido. when exams come, i study just to barely reach the threshold of naik taun. and top it with the feeling of, it's enough. hell it doesnt. and when my heart denies it, i comfort it with the i-dont-like-it-so-it's-ok feeling. but for how long?
and whenever those complicated feelings arise, i thought, why dont i go? for good or for worse, it's a matter no one knows. the road is clear for now, with the only obstacle being is the parents.no, not parents, it's only abah. or maybe i'm just too scare to risk this comfortable life, and use abah as my reason.
but today, for once, i feel motivated and very keen to live as medical student. though i dont open any medical books for god-knows how long and still dont, but it's the spirit that counts. may it be a good sign. may i be a good muslim doctor in 2013.
a gazillion people told me to live my dream, and told gazillion stories on how people overcome their problems only to get things their ways, but for me, i put my parents first.sounds too saint,huh..but seriously, i have to put my parents first.even if it means living their way, as if i'm their puppet. family tradition, maybe. dad listened to tok wan, he became a teacher instead of an air force. mama listened to pak teh (tok ki doesnt care much), she became a teacher too. ayong listened to abah and mama, he became a teacher too, instead of engineer or it analyst or thousands things he could be. and me, you know the drill.
why parents first? well, of course, it's default by nature. even in islam, as long as parent dont ask for bad things, obey them. and another major issue, i always think, mama and abah will never leave me, when everybody else does. my parents are a wee bit strict on certain issues, and i know there must be a concrete reason behind. i know i really suck in relationship, and how almost everybody hurts by me, and hurts me back, but miraculously my parents never be one of them eventhough they are ones of the three who know me since i was born. (the third being is my bro and he hurts me every second possible.) i just love my parents, and i want them proud of me, just as much as they proud of my brother being a teacher. somehow, i think, my parents must hate glamourous things. i mean, having an engineer son is a glamour thing. malay said, saham tinggi. but my parents..they must have third eye, see the unseen. though i prefer having an engineer brother, so my chance to get an engineer/architect husband is higher.
pen off, with a will to wake up early tomorrow and be a good medical student, and stabilize my life back. on the other small note, two nights ago, i screamed like a banshee after weighing myself. i gained 6kg after my egypt cheap food paradise vacation. have scheduled the 6kg-less plan, and have followed it. hope it works.
I will strive in medicine and wont touch this issue again. (i hope)
"kakak balik naa. abah dah prepare skit2 ni untuk kakak pi london."
"hah, london. buat pe?" (dalam hati kata, abah ni, nak soping pon, tunggula abih sem. bukan dia takdak jadual aku)
"eh, bukan haritu kata nak tukar course ka? nak masuk london hapebende school tu. abah dah suruh cikgu ***** tunggu kakak kat sana dah. abah tak leh pi time tu, ada kerja."
"EH BETUI KE NI..ABAH TAK MARAH KE KAKAK QUIT MEDIC?"
"alah balik je la kak oi."
Then it went pitch black. maybe i fainted. minutes later, i heard voices from afar, saying,
"A, A, bangun bangun. dah kul 1030 ni." (my class starts at 1115, and journey to my class is 5 mins running to bus station, 3-15 mins to wait for the bus departure, 20 minutes on bus ride, plus 10 minutes running to class from main gate)
*****
It was a dream i really hope to come to life. but impressively, i didnt cry. i still have enough time to turn my path 180 degree around, but i dont and i feel like i want to keep living this path.
recently, i met my friend and she brought up the i-was-really-gifted story. i was ok when i talked to her, i didnt feel anything. but on the way back, i kept thinking, why am i such a scum now? and i cried reflexly. at that time, i kept thinking about my past, the feeling of i can excel it, the feeling of the champ, being on the top, teachers' pet, studying with passion, winning and winning, being referred as the genius, feared even by nerdy and thick-spectacled fellow asians. then i compared with the me now, who lives like what my brother called, babi. makan, tido. when exams come, i study just to barely reach the threshold of naik taun. and top it with the feeling of, it's enough. hell it doesnt. and when my heart denies it, i comfort it with the i-dont-like-it-so-it's-ok feeling. but for how long?
and whenever those complicated feelings arise, i thought, why dont i go? for good or for worse, it's a matter no one knows. the road is clear for now, with the only obstacle being is the parents.no, not parents, it's only abah. or maybe i'm just too scare to risk this comfortable life, and use abah as my reason.
but today, for once, i feel motivated and very keen to live as medical student. though i dont open any medical books for god-knows how long and still dont, but it's the spirit that counts. may it be a good sign. may i be a good muslim doctor in 2013.
a gazillion people told me to live my dream, and told gazillion stories on how people overcome their problems only to get things their ways, but for me, i put my parents first.sounds too saint,huh..but seriously, i have to put my parents first.even if it means living their way, as if i'm their puppet. family tradition, maybe. dad listened to tok wan, he became a teacher instead of an air force. mama listened to pak teh (tok ki doesnt care much), she became a teacher too. ayong listened to abah and mama, he became a teacher too, instead of engineer or it analyst or thousands things he could be. and me, you know the drill.
why parents first? well, of course, it's default by nature. even in islam, as long as parent dont ask for bad things, obey them. and another major issue, i always think, mama and abah will never leave me, when everybody else does. my parents are a wee bit strict on certain issues, and i know there must be a concrete reason behind. i know i really suck in relationship, and how almost everybody hurts by me, and hurts me back, but miraculously my parents never be one of them eventhough they are ones of the three who know me since i was born. (the third being is my bro and he hurts me every second possible.) i just love my parents, and i want them proud of me, just as much as they proud of my brother being a teacher. somehow, i think, my parents must hate glamourous things. i mean, having an engineer son is a glamour thing. malay said, saham tinggi. but my parents..they must have third eye, see the unseen. though i prefer having an engineer brother, so my chance to get an engineer/architect husband is higher.
pen off, with a will to wake up early tomorrow and be a good medical student, and stabilize my life back. on the other small note, two nights ago, i screamed like a banshee after weighing myself. i gained 6kg after my egypt cheap food paradise vacation. have scheduled the 6kg-less plan, and have followed it. hope it works.
I will strive in medicine and wont touch this issue again. (i hope)
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