Showing posts with label emotional. Show all posts
Showing posts with label emotional. Show all posts

Friday, October 25, 2013

Good bye, for real


I've passed through the quagmire 07-13. In two days, i'll be entering the new quagmire, more savaging than ever.

I'm not ready, but i know i never will so let's just go through it. I have nothing to lose, really.

Lazy bones, don't embarrass me...

And Malaysians who live somewhere in northern area, I will doctor you muahahahaha! (ok that evil laugh is a joke, trust me i'm not that bad. Really.)

With all that said, this blog is no longer relevant. So long, all.

Monday, July 1, 2013

The End #4: Journey home

I'm home :))

Well, this probably means the end of this space, but who knows, if somehow i get bored and update this space with the final saga.

The feeling is great!! No more scheduled meals and eating gluttonously for fearing i might miss those precious meals, no more worrying about coming back to Jordan, no more using temporary items! I'll get my own bank account which i can manage by myself yay!!!!

Of course i fear of the commitments i'll have to make, but who cares about that now muahaha. As usual, things like that, plan now and worry later la.

I left Jordan in peace, i hope everyone in Jordan also let me go in peace too. So far i do not miss Jordan, but i do have some difficulty adapting here. I was very aggressive in Jordan, and my family did not know that so they were in great shock watching me amok at Secret Recipe just few minutes after i landed in Penang because my lemon tea was so sour. I crossed the streets without looking, and that almost sent my dad to ER because of possible angina. The food is really great here, really suits my taste bud so i'm fine in that category.

My journey home: I flew by Emirates for the first time, and it was great!!! During check-in, my baggage was 48kg, excess by 18kg. I kinda expected that so i just paid the penalty. Besides, what else could i do? Cargo-ing those stuff would probably cost the same, and give me headache for waiting and worrying about them. The downside was, they didn't allow me to pay the penalty for my connecting flight to Penang so i had to collect my stuff at KLIA. But that was actually a blessing in disguise hihi.

So, the first flight: Amman-Dubai. It was ok, the food was nice, i slept almost the entire flight. Only woke up for dinner and went to toilet afterwards, then back into deep sleep. I told my girls to pray for me to get awesome partner to sit beside me, not sure if they prayed or not. A very old American couple sat beside me, at first I was disappointed (was hoping for handsome gentleman :p), but they were so nice so i guessed maybe my girls did pray for me. Because my cabin luggage was so heavy, i had to take out my laptop and put under the front seat, but when i woke up from my coma, the laptop wasn't there. They helped me find it, by asking the nice old man sitting on the front seat :)

Then, the transit. Dubai Airport. It was so big, and i was alone. The first thing i searched after toilet and musolla was the meal voucher counter haha. My dad gave me very specific direction, but directionally-challenged me still had some troubles finding it. Then, i went to the farthest terminal (terminal C, i was in Terminal B) just to get my Thai cuisine, and it worth every steps i took. I'm so learning cooking Thai cuisine now! Then, went back to my terminal (the board said estimated time for walking between those terminal was 28 minutes. Went to eat, by the time i reached my terminal, i was hungry again grr)

After cleaning myself, i sat at those reclined-seat like an old man and waited for boarding. Didn't have to wait too long though, because i was so lost before, that 6 hours+ transit was actually like 3 hours transit minus the lost time. 3 hours+ = Toilet time for 1 hour, musolla time 1 hour, eating time 1 hour and the rest was spent resting on that  seat.

Then, boarding. I already selected an awesome seat online so i boarded like usual. Besides, the boarding pass given in Amman also stated my selected seat so i expected nothing..until the guy at boarding counter asked for my passport. I was like, whatev dude i just need my sleep (didn't sleep the entire night before, packing like a madman. PSA to all final year students: start packing for your going-back-for-good now!!!). Then, the guy looked at me twice to compare with the passport, and then gave me a new boarding pass and said, "Business class, enjoy!". It didn't sink in yet, until i went to the toilet in the gate, and looked at my new boarding pass and read/spelled clearly, BUSINESS. I lost my mind, whatsapped my family and my girls like crazy and then went back to the toilet to dance in euphoria.

the piece of joy

It was Airbus A380, and business class was on the upper deck. During my very first  flight to Jordan, i got business class seat too on Boeing Jumbo, 787 kot, but it was nothing compare to this time. That time, i had to climb some stairs to go to my seat, this time i rode an elevator straight to my seat. Also, because my very first flight to Jordan was chartered, business class that time only means wider seat and bigger screen, and because i sat directly behind the cockpit, the pilot invited us for cockpit little tour. Same treatment and food as everyone. This time, it's heaven. Heaven! Flat-bed seat with mattress, foods at my request anytime, shelf filled with drinks, Bvlgari travel kit, dining on china alhamdulillah..I didn't want to sleep at first because i wanted to savour every second there, but i had to succumb to my physiological need. But at least, i got to sleep like a boss in that flat bed seat :) .. I'm not sure why i got upgraded, either because i paid the excess baggage like a boss, or they saw my stethoscope in my backpack. You know, doctors sometime can get free upgrade to business class, according to my untrustworthy friend. Or probably Emirates knew i just graduated and wanted to celebrate it.

Anyway, the highlight was..i wasn't sure how i slept, but when i woke up after breakfast, my ring (my only ring) was gone! The ring! I went into panic mode, ran to the toilet, checked the bin, checked my seat hundreds times, and finally saw it.

See that arrow? My ring fell into the small space under the seat. I tried to reach it, but accidentally pushed it further inside. At that time, the plane was already descending! I thought, ah just let it go la, can find another ring in KLIA that probably looked the same, mom won't notice it. But then, money money money!! So, after everyone were out, i informed the stewardess about my ring. She opened the seat cover and sought for the ring, but she couldn't find it so she called another steward, and the chain continued. At last, almost all the cabin crews knew about my ring, and 5 of them were searching for it seriously. While waiting, some of them took me for business class tour, and offered me foods (again!) but i declined because i was too anxious and full. Finally, 2 of the 5 saw the ring and they decided to call the aircraft engineer to get it because it was unreachable by hand or normal tools. After 5 minutes, the engineer arrived, he's local Chinese and looked annoyed but i didn't care. I just needed my ring. He opened the seat, like really opened the seat, taking out screws and things and still couldn't see it. He asked me and the 2 cabin crew again if we really saw my ring or mistaken it with the screws (my ring is white gold, but it's shining so i was confident i did see my ring). I firmly said i did see my ring, but the cabin crew began to doubt themselves..Anyway, he kept on searching, and opened the seat more and more until only the metal frame left. His friend also came to help and brought more tools.

Finally, after 30-40 minutes of waiting, the engineer finally saw my ring! It was so deep, even with his awesome tools, it was so hard to take it out. After careful reaching in, he finally got to grab the ring and take it out safely :) Everyone was cheering like mad that time haha. They asked me if the ring was important, i said yes, very important. Then, they asked, is that your wedding band? haha. Also, that time, the land crew kept bugging the cabin crew asking whether the flight was ready to embark, our cabin crew were quite pissed off with them and used me as an excuse for the delay in a cheeky way, which is totally right. If the KUL-DUBAI trip that night was delayed, i sincerely apologise, because it was single-handedly my fault haha.

The ring, nicknamed as the stubborn ring by the cabin crews. Has the power to scare away flirtatious guys.

Then, i got out from the flight and stumbled upon other cabin crew on the way to immigration, and everyone asked about my ring haha. I just showed them my ring finger and grinned widely. We proceeded to collect our bags..and..i was stumped by the ridiculous number of police there. All my bags and boxes arrived safely, by the way.

There were around 20-30 policemen escorting some Koreans loosely. I caught a glimpse of those Koreans, and thinking ah probably some diplomats. I was very close to them so i couldn't stare at them longer because it'd be rude. But then, a women dashed to me, and clicking her phone overzealously. I gave her "the" look, but she kept on clicking, and the Koreans and the police didn't do anything, they didn't even get mad so i just bore with it. Because the troop was so slow, i overtook them and hurriedly went to catch my Penang flight.

At the arrival gate, there were lots of women screaming at the top of their lungs words i couldn't fathom..and clicking their cameras, complete with fans and boards saying "Lee Min Ho". Ooook, so the Koreans were Lee Min Ho and his gang la. Hurm...if only he was a Linkin Park. Anyway, i braved my way forward and went upstairs for departure.

I wrapped my boxes again, and queued to drop my bag. At the counter, again, i told the man in advance that  i had to pay for excess baggage. And alhamdulillah everything went well, the man somehow managed to make me pay ridiculously low amount for that 18kg :) rm5/kg hihi. Then i went straight to the gate, only to find out my flight was delayed for 40 minutes. Played Ace Traffic while waiting, and some Japanese old men were so fascinated by it and offered to help, but also failed haha. That level was so hard!

Then, penang flight: slept the entire flight, didn't even realize anything, taking off, landing, refreshment. At Penang, collected all my bags and boxes, and waited for my family for 3 hours, they were stuck in massive traffic jam because of accidents :(.. I waited at Secret Recipe, and ordered Tomyam Mee (because i was still high on Thai cuisine) and Iced Lemon Tea, and mengamuk as per above reason. They made me new drink and made me taste the drink beforehand after that. Ate my food slowly because it was too hot, and finally 3 hours later my family came, and finished it. And we went to heaven (home sweet home) after that :)

All in all, it was the most memorable journey i've ever had, and it should be. It was the clear transitional period, from a mere girl to a woman full of commitments. I was so afraid i'd weep the entire journey, but thank god the journey itself was so adventurous and exciting to keep my mind busy. With this, i bid adieu to Jordan, and i wish for the best to us all.

ps: This very long post is written on 3 jetlagged nights.

.

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

The End #3 : Disastrous

I need time to cool down before i can write about the convocation. It was a remedial lesson for me to never trust anyone.

So, to cool down and keep my head from mourning about that day, i kept myself busy today, settling my certificates and such, tracking my lost parcel, replying all emails and lastly, educating myself on how to launch  into housemanship.

And i found out, in one of the forms, they listed the hospitals for us housemen-to-be to choose from like this:


1.                     HOSP. TUNKU FAUZIAH, KANGAR
2.                     HOSP. SULTANAH BAHIYAH, ALOR SETAR
3.                     HOSP. SULTAN ABDUL HALIM, SUNGAI PETANI
4.                     HOSP. KULIM, KEDAH
5.                     HOSP. PULAU PINANG
6.                     HOSP. SEBERANG JAYA
7.                     HOSP. TAIPING, PERAK
8.                     HOSP. IPOH
9.                     HOSP. TELUK INTAN
10.                  HOSP. SERI MANJUNG, PERAK
11.                  HOSP. KUALA LUMPUR
12.                  HOSP. TENGKU AMPUAN RAHIMAH, KLANG
13.                  HOSP. SELAYANG, SELANGOR
14.                  HOSP. KAJANG, SELANGOR
15.                  HOSP. SERDANG, SELANGOR
16.                  HOSP. AMPANG, SELANGOR
17.                  HOSP. SUNGAI BULOH, SELANGOR
18.                  HOSP. TUANKU JAA’FAR, SEREMBAN
19.                  HOSP. TUANKU AMPUAN NAJIHAH, KUALA PILAH
20.                  HOSP. MELAKA
21.                  HOSP. PAKAR SULTANAH FATIMAH, MUAR
22.                  HOSP. SULTANAH AMINAH, JOHOR BAHRU
23.                  HOSP. BATU PAHAT, JOHOR
24.                  HOSP. SULTAN ISMAIL, JOHOR
25.                  HOSP. TENGKU AMPUAN AFZAN, KUANTAN
26.                  HOSP. SULTAN HAJI AHMAD SHAH. TEMERLOH
27.                  HOSP. SULTANAH NUR ZAHIRAH, KUALA TERENGGANU
28.                  HOSP. RAJA PEREMPUAN ZAINAB II, KB
29.                  HOSP. UMUM SARAWAK, KUCHING
30.                  HOSP. SIBU, SARAWAK
31.                  HOSP. MIRI, SARAWAK
32.                  HOSP. QUEEN ELIZABETH, KOTA KINABALU
33.                  HOSP. TAWAU, SABAH
34.                  HOSP. DUCHESS OF KENT, SANDAKAN, SABAH
35.                  HOSP. UNIV. KEBANGSAAN MALAYSIA(HUKM)
36.                  PUSAT PERUBATAN UNIV. MALAY (PPUM)
37.                  HOSP. UNIV. SAINS MALAYSIA (HUSM)
38.                  HOSP. PUTRAJAYA


 From the top, it's from north to the south, then to the east. Made it easier for me to choose haha. By the way, all my chosen hospitals are the dreadful ones, the ones people trying their best to avoid and the ones where doctors there would laugh their asses off if they knew  people (me) actually apply there willfully. Oh well, what to do, those are the closest hospitals to my family/home. Which somehow got me thinking, maybe it's geographical factors that made senior doctors there behave like that. Too much rain maybe. So maybe, maybe, if i flatten Bukit Larut, rain will pour down less frequent and maybe then, those doctors will behave more humanely. A point to ponder.

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

MAX

2 papers left. I'm totally drained out now..

It's so depressing to answer without confidence, which is of course totally my fault for not studying enough. Because of that I doubted my answers, then ended up changing them into wrong ones in the last minute. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarghhh

One thing medical school teaches me: how it feels like to be an idiot. It doesn't feel good.

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Self-cheering up


Though it's too exhausting to stand up again, but let's keep trying.


I am sad though. But it's ok to feel sad, it reminds me that i'm a mere human. World is too chaotic now so no time to mourn.

workworkworkworkwork=money + backachebackachebackache(sleepysleepysleepy+headache)

ps: my back hurts so much, is it aging? or workstrain? for the meantime let's inculpate the chair.

Saturday, January 21, 2012

i weep for humanity

My friends keep saying the price of tablet is so expensive, more expensive than the price of netbook. Frankly, i never know the price of netbook because i'm not interested and will never use a netbook, but agreeing that the price of tablet is above rm2k is so sinful and humiliating. Like seriously? btw, tablet here does not include ipad because i have personal vendetta with apple so won't bother to know their price.

After multiple tries to convince my friends that both galaxy tabs 10" and 7" are priced below 2k were unsuccessful and they managed to make me feel like some douche who just uttering craps with no concrete basis, they even told me that i might be looking for fake items. i mean, hello that really hurts my pride, senior lowyat forum member here. just now i got in touch with my gadget guys to make sure that i'm not deluding. yes, i'm cool, i have guys for gadget, like barney stinson has guy in everything.

So my gadget guys told me i wasn't wrong. yay. this is the price. and it's cheaper when i was home last august 2011. and he asked me to check lowyat forum to confirm that. so here.

g. tab 10": Official Price In Malaysia GT P7500 = 3G wifi 16GB onli @RM1899 
AP Version GT P7510 = WIFI Only 16GB or 32GB aroun 1499-1900

g.tab 7" : UPDATED retail pricing original set as on April 2011 : RM 1599 ( WiFi/3G version )

g.tab 8.9" newest tab, wasn't available when i was home : 3g 1.6k, wifi 1.3k

asus transformer no prime one : as on july 2011 1.8k with dock. if lucky some shops offer free sleeve.


asus transformer prime my love newly launched this month: 32gb rm2199 with dock. 


see? none of those are above 2k except my newly launched love. typical pompuan, so easy to kena kencing. 

i won't tell anything to them after this, biar kena kencing all. i mean, i've tried many times and they made me feel like douchebag. should give my gadget guys their faces and names and distribute to all retailers, so my guys can untung besar one. lucky them i'm not that busuk hati.



Wednesday, September 7, 2011

is it goodbye?

3 months ago, i was struggling with final exams, i was stressed and my study desk was filled with thick medical books and boring notes. One night, when i was at the peak of my stress (i lost few kilos over those study weeks), the electricity was kapoof! Out! i was flabbergasted and i suddenly had some jerky movement, (chorea?) and that very calamity happened..:(( my zen dropped from those stacked up books to the floor, and its screen broke from inside. I was so sad i stopped studying that night and just sobbed myself to sleep. i really love my mp, i love it more than my passport and purse. 


Despite the looks, i still used it. It still worked perfectly, the audio was(and still is) perfect, and i still could peek to browse. Until....







The broken screen became worse and it's so hard to browse..i can't peek anymore for different playlist, for dj setting, for equalizer...and it's time for new mp3 player. sad sad sad sad! my history of mp3 player started with a zen exactly like this 2gb, before i carelessly misplaced it, i believed i might have throw it away while clearing my dustbin. i loved that one so much, for its quality and its sentimental value, and also the original creative black silicon skin. then my brother took pity of me and gave me his (the picture). It served me well, just like the first one, though i did take my time to get used to not having the skin. and now, my zen is dying...though the audio still works perfectly..:( :( :(

and the hassle of looking for a new mp3 player is )&*(^&$%#^( irritating! I want zen but there is no creative near my housing area. i'm afraid to try other brands like samsung, sony, or philips because creative is my first love and i'm comfortable with it. a part of me urges for nano but i hate apple and jobs-related and the audio is inferior, not to my liking, not too crisp. i look for creative products from lelong, and the original zen like mine is not available. as expected, it's old and has stopped being produced. and the newer ones are tacky. x-fi= wth with those buttons? x-fi style= newer zen like mine, with mosaic-like cover and x-fi tech and built-in speaker...i consider it, but i hate the mosaic like cover..but this one is close to my needs..and i'm too lazy to research other brands. i don't think i'll like sony because i think it is too complicated for simple and narrow-minded people like me.so many series too, it's confusing! philips ariaz has long playback hours (45+ hours!)..sony can't play flac but people say its audio is superb but there are limited series in malaysia.

and all these hassles start from stupid blackout in irbid 3 months ago! aku memang dendam tnb joden dari dulu lagi! timing blackout tak cantik la...takde warning langsung.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Dusky hit

Yes people, take it. Take it, make it as your own, as if i was never exist, and the paper just came into life by itself.
When i said i need time, it means about 3 years, until my graduation you suckers. I did help you last week, but of course, you were too stupid to realise so i dont blame you if you forgot.
And yes, though it may come as news to you, i am indeed a mara-sponsored medical student, believe it or not.
I should just let this go, i'll just destroy myself if i dont. There are other fields available, i should just keep looking. Afterall, it's all my fault, to even know them in the first place. I dont lose anything anyway.
Some people, far far far away, can read me like a book, smell me like a dog, in a good way, and cheer me up in 10 minutes. I feel loved. So, yeah, why acting like an old hag with midlife crisis when i'm 21? Wait another 30 years la!
*****

When you feel you're alone
Cut off from this cruel world
Your instincts telling you to run

Listen to your heart
Those angel voices
They'll sing to you
They'll be a guide
Back home

When life leaves us blind
Love keeps us kind
It keeps us kind

When you suffered enough
And your spirit is breaking
You're growing desperate from the fight

Remember you're loved
And you always will be
This melody will bring you right
Back home

When life leaves us blind



Love keeps us kind



It keeps us kind

-by Ferrari of music industry.











Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Swell!

Maybe it's time to really give up ditch it and focus on medicine. my portfolio is no longer perfect... i have no future anymore in anything but medicine, ok there's a dime hope in math, at least until the end of these summer... but still.

i'm heartbroken and hopeless. i have to be a doctor to live. Haaaargh i wish i can channel 15% of my energy towards liking medicine... it must be good to study what your passion is, kan.. i wonder how it feels, i've forgot it.

NO TIME TO MOURN. GET UP, SCORE FOR FINAL, AND REVENGE. V for Vengeance and Vendetta.

Thomas Cup: Japan bt Msia 3-2.
Uber Cup: China bt Msia 5-0.
Buat tambah garam kepada luka ja.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Talk to me, Audi Saight

In case you dont know, i'm a girl too.
In case you dont know, i have a heart too.
In case you dont know, my lacrimal gland is working well.
In case you dont know, i feel what you feel.
In case you dont know, i dont give up on you.
In case you dont know, i miss you.
In case you dont know, i'm tired.
In case you dont know, i have retarded emotional expression.
In case you dont know, i'm counting the days since we stopped talking. Almost 516 days.
In case you dont know, i stalked you. I have ways.
In case you dont know, i thought you were happy. You talked to people, and smile and all.
In case you dont know, you are treasured by all.
In case you dont know, i know you never need me, and i'm hurt.again.
In case you dont know, i still count you as my bff.

Ah, well, you wouldnt know. you wouldnt care. you've forgot all about me, you dont even know me now.



















as if you read this.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

LiveStrong

Do you remember there were times when that rubber hand-bands are the trend? no point to it, but worth this space because of the live strong message. Be strong. I never tempted to that thing, because abah told me only keling wear that.

At this age and with what i've been through, i think i'm way past the phase of  "she ignored me, and i'm hurt."  but i'm not that strong. 2 very close friends stop talking to me altogether for more than a year. i've been whining ever since, and i hate it. normal person will talk it out, but i have the courage of a sloth, so..

i really thought time would heal, and i was wrong. this time, in this situation, time makes it worse. especially to someone who i see almost everyday. and to someone i dont see and i cant reach everyday, i actually forgot about you, until another someone leaked it out that you are still alive, safe and kicking and graduated and riching and fattening with my brother. oh why in the world i use you, it's not like he's reading it anymore.

it hurts to see people who used to be very close to me, end up moving on hating and very keen on forgetting me. oh yes, i feel the animosity. but measuring it up from their points, maybe they feel the same. maybe they dont.

i should have broke my amygdala, specific on area storing all memory about them, because it hurts too much.but in the same time i dont want not to know them, life would have been dull without them. irrelevant ambiguity.

keep trying A, and live strong. whining wont sell the stock.

ps: i feel like they whispered to me, " No i wont wait forever" , just like in the Signal Fire. and now that forever is up. but i'll keep trying, until the time i really fail.

ps2: Man i forgot. initially i want to write a birthday entry for ku apek (my sister), it's her sweet seventeenth. curse this mood swing. but still, footnote still counts. happy birthday, ku apek. i'll write you a full birthday entry once you really read my blog. I pray for your life to be the best and blessed, anywhere, everytime. and maybe, smarter, since you are the dumbest in our family.

Monday, February 15, 2010

Good medical students dont eat salad at restaurants

'Twas a random weekday noon. Dad called.

"kakak balik naa. abah dah prepare skit2 ni untuk kakak pi london."

"hah, london. buat pe?" (dalam hati kata, abah ni, nak soping pon, tunggula abih sem. bukan dia takdak jadual aku)

"eh, bukan haritu kata nak tukar course ka? nak masuk london hapebende school tu. abah dah suruh cikgu ***** tunggu kakak kat sana dah. abah tak leh pi time tu, ada kerja."

"EH BETUI KE NI..ABAH TAK MARAH KE KAKAK QUIT MEDIC?"

"alah balik je la kak oi."

Then it went pitch black. maybe i fainted. minutes later, i heard voices from afar, saying,
"A, A, bangun bangun. dah kul 1030 ni." (my class starts at 1115, and journey to my class is 5 mins running to bus station, 3-15 mins to wait for the bus departure, 20 minutes on bus ride, plus 10 minutes running to class from main gate)

*****

It was a dream i really hope to come to life. but impressively, i didnt cry. i still have enough time to turn my path 180 degree around, but i dont and i feel like i want to keep living this path.

recently, i met my friend and she brought up the i-was-really-gifted story. i was ok when i talked to her, i didnt feel anything. but on the way back, i kept thinking, why am i such a scum now? and i cried reflexly. at that time, i kept thinking about my past, the feeling of i can excel it, the feeling of the champ, being on the top, teachers' pet, studying with passion, winning and winning, being referred as the genius, feared even by nerdy and thick-spectacled fellow asians. then i compared with the me now, who lives like what my brother called, babi. makan, tido. when exams come, i study just to barely reach the threshold of naik taun. and top it with the feeling of, it's enough. hell it doesnt. and when my heart denies it, i comfort it with the i-dont-like-it-so-it's-ok feeling. but for how long?

and whenever those complicated feelings arise, i thought, why dont i go? for good or for worse, it's a matter no one knows. the road is clear for now, with the only obstacle being is the parents.no, not parents, it's only abah. or maybe i'm just too scare to risk this comfortable life, and use abah as my reason.

but today, for once, i feel motivated and very keen to live as medical student. though i dont open any medical books for god-knows how long and still dont, but it's the spirit that counts. may it be a good sign. may i be a good muslim doctor in 2013.

a gazillion people told me to live my dream, and told gazillion stories on how people overcome their problems only to get things their ways, but for me, i put my parents first.sounds too saint,huh..but seriously, i have to put my parents first.even if it means living their way, as if i'm their puppet. family tradition, maybe. dad listened to tok wan, he became a teacher instead of an air force. mama listened to pak teh (tok ki doesnt care much), she became a teacher too. ayong listened to abah and mama, he became a teacher too, instead of engineer or it analyst or thousands things he could be. and me, you know the drill.

why parents first? well, of course, it's default by nature. even in islam, as long as parent dont ask for bad things, obey them. and another major issue, i always think, mama and abah will never leave me, when everybody else does. my parents are a wee bit strict on certain issues, and i know there must be a concrete reason behind. i know i really suck in relationship, and how almost everybody hurts by me, and hurts me back, but miraculously my parents never be one of them eventhough they are ones of the three who know me since i was born. (the third being is my bro and he hurts me every second possible.) i just love my parents, and i want them proud of me, just as much as they proud of my brother being a teacher. somehow, i think, my parents must hate glamourous things. i mean, having an engineer son is a glamour thing. malay said, saham tinggi. but my parents..they must have third eye, see the unseen. though i prefer having an engineer brother, so my chance to get an engineer/architect husband is higher.

pen off, with a will to wake up early tomorrow and be a good medical student, and stabilize my life back. on the other small note, two nights ago, i screamed like a banshee after weighing myself. i gained 6kg after my egypt cheap food paradise vacation. have scheduled the 6kg-less plan, and have followed it. hope it works.

I will strive in medicine and wont touch this issue again. (i hope)

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Dead and dead again

today is one of the most dreadful days of my life. i received a hardstoned news, i can assure a mild anginal patient will die abruptly if he's in my shoes.

i can interprete this news as good news, but i cried a lot today. of my seems impossible dream, my passion, my future, my feelings, and the most vital, my parents. my parents still do not hear the news just yet, and i'm dead once they knew. will they be ok? will they not? or will they still play the old nothing happened tricks?

i do not plan to spill it to anyone here, concerning how far i've grown apart from my (supposedly?) close friends. i mean, who cares? i may be dead for 4 days and have no one to notice it. but i kept talking out of my conscious, and ended up telling one friend. actually i do think i might be more ok if i talk to someone who really understand the situation, apart from those who are involved, i want to hear from a neutral vantage point. but being me, i cant think of anyone who is willing to lend "the ears".

the situation is nothing grave at all. i can let go, and go on this peasant and pleasant life. but i can also break my parents' hearts, take a little risk and maybe, become the numb3r person i used to dream.

when i wrote it like that, suddenly it becomes clear to me. i am not a risk taker.

Yang dikejar tak dapat, yang dikendong berciciran.

well, maybe this entry is born out of my frustration, i am losing myself more and more, or more like i lose again and again, i am good at things that is not necessary for my mbbs so no matter how excellent i am at the other thing, i'm still an average medical student, i lose, i lose, i lose and i lose. it's not that i want to be known as the best student, but once you are on the top, you do not forget the view. the feeling of, i can do great here. satisfaction.

So yeah, pleased to know you. my name is loser, and i am a girl.

Saturday, December 5, 2009

Cat-tish


Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.
Should i give this pain up?
And the ritual of medical student's life i.e exam is in a week time.
Means i'll lost my muscle mass since there'll be no running for classes/buses for a week.
All the best.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Frying pancakes with Lily Casso

There are times when you could simply choose between two choices, yes or no, do or don't, ok or ko, and both choices are too good or too bad. Like the true false exam. Only in exam, your choice could be right, or wrong, you can't change the choice you made once the paper is submitted. Id est, if your choice is right, you get the mark, if not, you lose your mark or worse, you'll get a minus.

But in life, choices we have made can always be moulded. Even if your path is wrongly chose, bend it like beckham. Create the new path leading to the real one, dig a tunnel, or just enjoy your choice, adapt to it. There is no absoluteness in life. Wrong turn sometimes turns out to be the shortcut. and sometime could lead to total disarray, like how the author lost her way to lab last morning, resulting in ~25 minutes late to lab.

All you should do is to choose.

Yet the author, who subconsciously writes this piece, has acted so stupid when her turn came. she did neither, she was too coward to choose. And all left in her is stark regret.

Even illiterates don't leave blank in their exam sheets. I must be worse than illiterates.

Courage come to me please, if you read me.

Friday, November 20, 2009

Keliru

Is this psychosis?

There is a person, i used to love. Then we got into silence fight, which reasons remain unknown. No bitch-shout like i usually have whenever i fight with my sisters.

For the sake of writing and identity, i'll call this person x throughout this entry.

x was my bestfriend. i dont know if x still is. x may hate me, lots of people do. x left me because x felt ignored. truth is, i am THAT ignorant. even my parents sometimes complain about how they feel ignored by me, no call, no sms, no ym for some days. and from my side, i dont know how to show that i care. should i call/sms/ym every minute, it will be so boring and useless and troublesome. i create the gap so i'll miss, but only to the extent i can stand. then i'll bridge the gap that self-created only, not when it is created by other.

x left me because x felt i overspent time with other so x felt, again, ignored. truth is, yes i did overspend time with other, because x did it first. i thought x would love hanging out with other, x is extrovert. and we went wayyy beyond that. i did feel jealous.

and we havent talk for months. funny to think how i manage to do that to someone i ym-ed almost every night for hours, talked rubbish, and sleepover at each other house for every other night,abruptly. some scars run too deep.

i miss x, yes i do. but in the same time i am angry with x, i want to hurt x so x will feel like i did and still do. but i will never do that because i love x. if we can talk, i dunno what to talk about, though we have tons to catch up. it's more like i can't talk to x, and vice versa. i miss x terribly. but x may hate me. i never hope x'll miss me, i'm not worth it.

whenever i see x is alone, my heart is thumping so loud urging me to go and talk. but i am so coward, i am afraid, afraid of rejection. how do i feel if x then turns away when i talk? i am optimist, but not in relationship with people. though magically, in business relationship, i do well most of the time.

on disgressing, in this world the thing i scare the most is snake. second to it is, rejection in any kind.

but x may hate me. x may also not hate me. simple probability is gonna be 50%. but looking to my past, i daresay it's less than 20%. i'll try someday, when i muster enough courage.

x is a girl. i trust her with my everything, i never hide a thing from her, in the past. one thing why i felt distance with her is, she did hide things from me. well, i'm not good enough for her to be trusted. and i felt like a cipher by that doing.

you this is why i should not have a boyfriend. until i have proper relationships with all my bffs, i wont bother for a bf. dont try, i might waver.

SO I NEED MY SHOPPING THERAPY, AND SADLY MALLS ARE 4 HOURS RETURN JOURNEY AND I HAVE NO CAR.WTF.

maka saya pun stadi. dahla bleach manga tak keluar minggu ni.

ke arah git 80 lebey.

ps: sebiji kompite di parlimen malaysia bernilai rm12k, menurut akhbar bintang itu. macam baghal kan, nak nipu claim pun pegi survey kedai dulu la. iMac os snow leopard ori dari apple 27" screen pun baru 9-10k include shipping. takkan duit minyak 2k kot. seriyes baghal.

Friday, November 13, 2009

The Lost Being Lost

I lived my last two weeks quite an empty way, i lost one of my most loyal companion. I keep listening to my cabuk phone and Sein, replacing that companion. I thought the problem is finally over, once my brother has decided to send me his Zen, but nope, another problem arised. The news leaked, by myself accidentally, to my father who is allergic with pejabat pos. So the chance of me getting the replace is as low as my chance performing haji this year. I think i should force my sister to marry a postmaster, or my brother to marry a kerani jabat pos to break this weird tradition of my family -no posting out. Seriously i envy those whose their dads fedex a parcel of anchovies after only 5 minutes of whining. My dad, he can listen to my whining for a week non-stop, still he resists himself from sending any parcel. And now the situation is getting worse, he even stops my brother's noble intention.

Should i play the little devil? Buying the zune hd online using his plastic money. Seriously i can't stand living without an MP3 player.(since it's mp3 plus another p which is initial for player, i call it mp4, yet still there is someone who is restless with it and i celebrate it tonight). I wonder how did i live my first year, without owning that stuff. It's like the immunity, you live with the microbs and you get the disease, you don't live with the microbs then you get the allergic. Ape yang same nye labu?

I want to go to Amman tomorrow to find the temporary replace for my taik telinga contributor, but i don't know who should i ask for the company. If only that lower-than-Perai-level civilisation city is within 30 minutes bas ride, i would have gone alone. Everybody seems to have their own hectic schedule which i prefer not to butt in, i've been responsible for some damages already for butting in too much. AArggh now i need not only a maid, but also a maid with a car and driving license.

Oh speaking on behalf of driving license, i have yet to recover from my trauma, i lost my confidence in driving. Last summer break, i drove Kembara beside a speeding two-layer bus, and the next thing i did was giving signal, and went into a vase factory. Now i wonder am i really the same one who drifted along the tiga ratuih area in 2006? i always sleep soundly in moving vehicle with exception to those with -cycle suffix, but after the accident, i always wake up with slight tachy after a mild brake. My daredevil spirit must have left me and follow another during that accident, and a scaredy-cat spirit replaced it.

I'm losing myself more and more after reading medicine. Now i even suck at math, my most valuable asset back then.

Oh tuhan what with this down feeling..i should be grateful after all. I'm getting myself a new mp3 player soon enough by hook or by crook or by kook.

ps: i measure the civilisation from the tech view. Like, you cant get an xperia in amman, but you can get it, with the lowest price in Malaysia, in amende-name-tah chinese computer shop in bukit mertajam. Tak kira ar barang seludup ke, bayar kastam ke, asal ori ngan murah.

ps2: ohohoho, it's friday the 13th laaa..so please, let someone ask me for a shopping trip in amman tomorrow. ayat yang tidak ada kesinambungan fakta antara satu sama lain<-- my dad must be proud of me if he read this, he's an SPM marker for BM.

ps3: i've been trotting to and fro in my room, then running to kitchen, thinking who should i ask to go to amman tomorrow.

psp: ok, the truth, i am so introvert i dont know how to make the first step, so the possibility i CAN go shopping in amman tomorrow is about 7%. freak.

Monday, October 19, 2009

My greatest strength: I know perfectly well all my strength and weak points, and manipulate them into moolah-making.

My greatest weakness: I can do nothing about all my weak points, though I'm 99%-dead (to show that it's not just half-dead) trying. That's why people hate me.

******
"So you don't have a close friend there, so what?! You got me."

If only you know the exact situation of why i do need a close friend to talk here. Phones are echoing, my internet line sucks, and my mic as usual doesn't function very well. tu baru technical nye list, belum emotional lagi.

*******
Money can't buy friends, but it cures sadness , at least for me.

*******
I am so grateful my family loves me in whatsoever condition, unconditionally.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

My Firefly



Fly fly my firefly away
Away from me, away from him
Be the time is right
You'll come to me back, promised had we

Nights came nights passed
So come the majestic night
So long I've waited jittery
Hoping for him, shining brightly
For his light, i turn the moon tempt off

Here he comes finally
Lands on my palm gracefully
But the night is still stark dark
Something is missing indeed

Sayang dia hilang
Sayang dia hilang

Monday, September 7, 2009


Alone again, everybody went to school.

To the place where love is always been enough for me

I reached that place, but i can't savour it to the most. I'm dreading for the becoming fiscal/academical year. It's always good to know people around you love you, and pour all their love in good way, or maybe weird way for some, but still, love is felt all over the air.

When I am in this loving community, it doesn't matter anymore about those who hate me. Yeah, lots of people hate me, i don't blame them, i'm too despicable. Even one of my bestfriends hates me.

People ask me how i never have problems in studies (it's not like i'm a top-scorer, it's just that i never fail), but people never ask me how do i always have problems in relationships. Well, they never care how i felt, just like i appear to never care about how they felt, though i do.

Oww, this entry is soo girlish i'm gonna puke after reread it.

I'm this despicable.