Dead and dead again

today is one of the most dreadful days of my life. i received a hardstoned news, i can assure a mild anginal patient will die abruptly if he's in my shoes.

i can interprete this news as good news, but i cried a lot today. of my seems impossible dream, my passion, my future, my feelings, and the most vital, my parents. my parents still do not hear the news just yet, and i'm dead once they knew. will they be ok? will they not? or will they still play the old nothing happened tricks?

i do not plan to spill it to anyone here, concerning how far i've grown apart from my (supposedly?) close friends. i mean, who cares? i may be dead for 4 days and have no one to notice it. but i kept talking out of my conscious, and ended up telling one friend. actually i do think i might be more ok if i talk to someone who really understand the situation, apart from those who are involved, i want to hear from a neutral vantage point. but being me, i cant think of anyone who is willing to lend "the ears".

the situation is nothing grave at all. i can let go, and go on this peasant and pleasant life. but i can also break my parents' hearts, take a little risk and maybe, become the numb3r person i used to dream.

when i wrote it like that, suddenly it becomes clear to me. i am not a risk taker.

Yang dikejar tak dapat, yang dikendong berciciran.

well, maybe this entry is born out of my frustration, i am losing myself more and more, or more like i lose again and again, i am good at things that is not necessary for my mbbs so no matter how excellent i am at the other thing, i'm still an average medical student, i lose, i lose, i lose and i lose. it's not that i want to be known as the best student, but once you are on the top, you do not forget the view. the feeling of, i can do great here. satisfaction.

So yeah, pleased to know you. my name is loser, and i am a girl.