I was wrong

Quick post:

I'm currently in my 5th posting, few months shy away from MO-ship. Preparing my very best to be a safe doctor.

Housemanship is harsh. I learnt a damn lot, of course, but i in no-freaking-way will encourage anyone to get into it. It's cruel and inhumane.

Which brings me to the point of this post. If you read my whole rant, of how i curse off my medical school, well i'm eating my own shit now. I miss that school so damn much. I miss my doctors. I miss the cleanliness of my hospital. I miss my patients, dedicated and educated patients. I miss the awesome filing system there. I miss the system there, how they do things orderly. I miss the wards there didn't look like something fresh from old History textbook on war hospital. Or refugee camp or something.

I only realise, upon reflecting when i was down post scolding for things most of the time not even my fault, that i've been taught at a great medical school in such a tender manner. My doctors taught and emphasised me well on what is what. While some of them were scary, but at least i don't hate them. ok well i might hate SS but then his CV is awesome and he actually didn't personally trouble me and he did praise me once. But here...erm let's not start, because i promise myself to stop swearing.

I was wrong.

I had great time in medical school. Made awesome friends for life. Taught by great doctors. Met and inspired by great people. survived. And, learnt by heart, though i'm not really sure how i did that. i mean, i was quite a caveman there, but those cave time were spent on, well, games, movies, games.

I miss you, Jordan.

Good bye, for real

I've passed through the quagmire 07-13. In two days, i'll be entering the new quagmire, more savaging than ever.

I'm not ready, but i know i never will so let's just go through it. I have nothing to lose, really.

Lazy bones, don't embarrass me...

And Malaysians who live somewhere in northern area, I will doctor you muahahahaha! (ok that evil laugh is a joke, trust me i'm not that bad. Really.)

With all that said, this blog is no longer relevant. So long, all.

Are doctors demon?

I don't know how Malaysians (generally, not all) think. I'm not sure why they hate doctors that much.

First, we have this alarming anti-vaccines groups. Ignorant narcissist bigots, all of them. I'm not sure what to do if i have to face them, which i surely will some time soon. Vaccines protect us, and in UK now, measles are re-appearing because of those anti-vaccines parents. I read their reasons against vaccines:

1. side effect : autism, fever, brain damage
my counter argument: those serious side effects are rare, we're talking less than 1% rare, so if your children happened to be the less lucky one, i'm sorry. Besides, it's hard to tell whether the damage is the vaccines side effect or due to other reasons. And it supposed to be rare, i find it really hard to believe that it just happened to be really common among those anti-vaccines groups.

Fever, it's hard for the parents but that's how babies (even adults) develop their immunity. No pain no gain.

2. Vaccines are not halal.

My counter argument: check e-fatwa. It's harus to take the vaccines. Don't overthink this. I see that they spin this fact, dragging it into the MRC-5 cell saying that it's extracted from live fetuses. First, don't you think Majlis fatwa consider this before announcing the fatwa? Second, read the explanation on the fatwa, "Vaksin-vaksin yang digunakan dalam imunisasi bagi penyakit-penyakit tersebut hendaklah diambil daripada bahan yang suci, sekiranya vaksin daripada bahan suci tidak diperolehi atau sukar diperolehi, maka penggunaan vaksin yang sedia ada adalah diharuskan." 

3. I don't vaccinate my child and he grows well.

My counter argument: Vaccines mean to protect, to prevent diseases. Be grateful that your unvaccinated child is well, at least for now. But don't expose your latter children to diseases just because your unvaccinated child is well. I read someone posted this logic--> when you (the parents) were young, there was no seatbelts/kids seat and you turned out well. Similarly in this vaccination issue, because you turned out well without seatbelts/kids seat, your kids don't need them too.

Now, move to the other issue. Supplements as prevention. I never encounter this while in Jordan, so i'm not really familiar with the whole traditional/herbal supplement scene. So here, we got bunch of magical pills/powder/coffee/cream that can lose your weight, CURE (YES they used cure instead of manage) chronic diseases like diabetes/hypertension/ischemic heart disease even SLE, in the same time those things also give you the best nutrition. Some of those things even appeared in established medical journal for its side effects, but of course Malaysians know better.Those journals lied, they said. Those things are better than modern drugs that doctors prescribe, and doctor prescribe drugs because they want to take advantage on you, they said.

So basically, as long as there are any ways possible to avoid doctors, why not try it, right Malaysians? Probably they had bad experiences seeing doctors (well who doesn't? I'm almost a doctor myself and i hate seeing doctor too) but health is a serious and sensitive matter. You do not want to jeopardize it. And remember, there is no shortcuts. Want to lose weight? Eat less exercise more. Diabetes? Reduce sugar in diet, exercise more, if not effective, start drugs. Hypertension? Reduce salt in diet, exercise more, if not effective start drugs. Of course those drugs have their own side effects, but it's documented and well known and we know how to manage them. And prevention is the best, and by prevention i mean start eating healthily starting now, exercise, walk more. 

I'm not done yet blasting those supplement but i have to do something now. Will be continued..

***

Iphone 5s kinda attracts me but man, december is way too late. Or not, i may not be working that time so no need for new phone yet so maybe i can wait. The 64 bit processor is awesome, that is equivalent to my current notebook. Now compress that into a phone, it's just wow! I love iphone's size as it's almost the same to my current phone, and the awesome camera. And there are many awesome cases for iphone. But the cons: i don't fancy iOs..I never own an iphone before but i think the os should be the same as in ipad, right? From what i saw at switch, it's about the same. I find that the apps need constant updating and some apps can't be used unless updated, and update takes a long long long time, thanks a lot to super slow internet connection here. Also, the apps' reviews are not as honest as in Google play. I've started to lurk around the apple communities and forums and they sucks. And not to mention, it's quite pricey..

Come on Android phone maker, ante up! You still can win Malaysia, you have until december. 64 bit too, please!

Ps: forgive my atrocious grammar..this entry is written with too much angst 

The End #3 : Disastrous

I need time to cool down before i can write about the convocation. It was a remedial lesson for me to never trust anyone.

So, to cool down and keep my head from mourning about that day, i kept myself busy today, settling my certificates and such, tracking my lost parcel, replying all emails and lastly, educating myself on how to launch  into housemanship.

And i found out, in one of the forms, they listed the hospitals for us housemen-to-be to choose from like this:

1.                     HOSP. TUNKU FAUZIAH, KANGAR

2.                     HOSP. SULTANAH BAHIYAH, ALOR SETAR

3.                     HOSP. SULTAN ABDUL HALIM, SUNGAI PETANI

4.                     HOSP. KULIM, KEDAH

5.                     HOSP. PULAU PINANG

6.                     HOSP. SEBERANG JAYA

7.                     HOSP. TAIPING, PERAK

8.                     HOSP. IPOH

9.                     HOSP. TELUK INTAN

10.                  HOSP. SERI MANJUNG, PERAK

11.                  HOSP. KUALA LUMPUR

12.                  HOSP. TENGKU AMPUAN RAHIMAH, KLANG

13.                  HOSP. SELAYANG, SELANGOR

14.                  HOSP. KAJANG, SELANGOR

15.                  HOSP. SERDANG, SELANGOR

16.                  HOSP. AMPANG, SELANGOR

17.                  HOSP. SUNGAI BULOH, SELANGOR

18.                  HOSP. TUANKU JAA’FAR, SEREMBAN

19.                  HOSP. TUANKU AMPUAN NAJIHAH, KUALA PILAH

20.                  HOSP. MELAKA

21.                  HOSP. PAKAR SULTANAH FATIMAH, MUAR

22.                  HOSP. SULTANAH AMINAH, JOHOR BAHRU

23.                  HOSP. BATU PAHAT, JOHOR

24.                  HOSP. SULTAN ISMAIL, JOHOR

25.                  HOSP. TENGKU AMPUAN AFZAN, KUANTAN

26.                  HOSP. SULTAN HAJI AHMAD SHAH. TEMERLOH

27.                  HOSP. SULTANAH NUR ZAHIRAH, KUALA TERENGGANU

28.                  HOSP. RAJA PEREMPUAN ZAINAB II, KB

29.                  HOSP. UMUM SARAWAK, KUCHING

30.                  HOSP. SIBU, SARAWAK

31.                  HOSP. MIRI, SARAWAK
32.                  HOSP. QUEEN ELIZABETH, KOTA KINABALU

33.                  HOSP. TAWAU, SABAH

34.                  HOSP. DUCHESS OF KENT, SANDAKAN, SABAH

35.                  HOSP. UNIV. KEBANGSAAN MALAYSIA(HUKM)

36.                  PUSAT PERUBATAN UNIV. MALAY (PPUM)

37.                  HOSP. UNIV. SAINS MALAYSIA (HUSM)

38.                  HOSP. PUTRAJAYA

 From the top, it's from north to the south, then to the east. Made it easier for me to choose haha. By the way, all my chosen hospitals are the dreadful ones, the ones people trying their best to avoid and the ones where doctors there would laugh their asses off if they knew  people (me) actually apply there willfully. Oh well, what to do, those are the closest hospitals to my family/home. Which somehow got me thinking, maybe it's geographical factors that made senior doctors there behave like that. Too much rain maybe. So maybe, maybe, if i flatten Bukit Larut, rain will pour down less frequent and maybe then, those doctors will behave more humanely. A point to ponder.

The End #2

Yesterday was the day i took the oath. THE OATH. With Allah as my witness. I expected the ceremony to be more "touchy", it's the moment we swore to dedicate our life as doctors, help the needy regardless their belief, whether they are friends or foes. But oh well, it's Jordan. I even slept for a good while, because my stupid head couldn't fathom the language. But it's nice, though i had severe hijab crisis. I shipped off almost all my scarves, and just few hours before the ceremony, i realised i had no scarf to match with the dress. So i bought that rectangular shawl...and began was my suffering. I didn't know how to wear it so i just wrapped my head, but it became too short so when we arrived at the hall, i forced asked my friends to wrap my head for me. But that damned shawl became so wrinkled, made it really hard to form the top part nicely. At that time, i gave up and became so moody (hence the sleep during the ceremony). Also, my robe wasn't the robe i'd chose, it got changed somewhere whether at the robe office itself, or at the tailor or at the dry clean. The robe was soooo big, i looked like i wore a sack and my sloping shoulder didn't help either. Stress!

But, it will be one of the most memorable night in Jordan. The night i took the oath.

My parents weren't there, and i was quite upset actually. At first, like real first as in before they decided the date, i told them do whatever suits them, i won't be upset. I told them i won't be upset even a bit if they decided not to come at all. Well, i'm not sure now. They came earlier and by yesterday they already recovered from jetlag and continued their daily life as usual in Malaysia. I'm not sure whether i was upset due to their absence or because they just left me. Maybe if they didn't come at all, i'd be less upset. Maybe not. They told me to take lots of picture so they can get the feel too, but with the aforementioned severe fashion crisis, the chaos of the ceremony itself, and limited time, i only took few pictures which i haven't see yet because i was so depressed T_T. Will steal pictures from others and photoshop. I sat with the other girls who parents didn't come either and their company made me feel slightly better.

A lot of parents came, and i got to mingle with some. Quite a shock haha, i don't mingle with people my age well, let alone parents of people my age. This one mom however really attracted me. She's really strong, no wonder her daughter's such an angel. Let me tell you the story. (Disclaimer: I tell this story because it really motivates me to be a better, less whiny and less bratty person. I hope you will feel the same too.If it offends anyone, please let me know in the comment section.) The mom is a single mom with lots of children. Probably 10 kot, can't remember already. (told you my memory sucks). But her children are all great people, they hafaz the quran, they're nice, intelligent. The focus was on my friend, the daughter. She received the same scholarship as me, but with that money, she helped supporting her sister who studied islamic studies (not sure what exactly, again, my memory *$&%#*&). Both of them got excellent results in their study, and they bought their mom flight ticket to Jordan as surprise. Awesome, right? Ok if you don't feel they are awesome, it's my fault for not telling the story right, but trust me, they are really awesome and mature. I just looked at myself, and ashamed..Me, my parents had to come here just to help me packing because i'm just freaking hopeless at packing. Them..whoa. I could see the mom was glowing with pride while telling us the story.That time, i just want to go home to my parents, hug them and be a nice daughter. I'm not a bad daughter of course, but i never do something like that to my parents. It always them who take care of me. But as the mom said, her daughter was lucky because she can do good things like that at such a young age. My time will come too, and by then i hope i can take care of my parents as nicely as they took care of me.

Tomorrow, university convocation. I'll try wearing my 4" heels throughout the whole ceremony. I really really really need some height to drown that freaking big robe. And here's praying for a better tomorrow, no sad sad one again huhuhuhu.

The End #1

Alhamdulillah, I've graduated :)

It's late and everyone who reads this blog probably already knew, but i just need to write for the sake of completion of the quagmire hehe. I finished my last exam (oral Surgery, which scared me shitless, will write more in special final chapter, that is if i'm not lazy la) on 22/5/13, and i got my result the next day. I was among the very first students to see the result due to my ridiculously awesome survival skill.

That day, instead of feeling on top of the world, i just felt relieved, and that's it. 1 of my strongest motivation all these years, and specifically during the great final period was, once is enough, and again, alhamdulillah :)
It didn't kick in that i've graduated, until i have to fill some forms/update some information, i realized that i was no longer a student. Yet, it's not a happy feeling. It's heavy, feeling burdened which almost sent me direct into depression. Satisfaction? Not really. I tried my very best of course, studied the hardest i could in my entire life, but i did that not under my own will. I felt forced, and i had to do that because it was my responsibility.

Don't get me wrong. I still won't waive and change my path. I'm actually excited to enter the work field, meeting patients and treat them. That gives me satisfaction, helping people in need. (I sound saint right hahahahaha i told you people i'm baik!!). It's just, studying for final didn't feel the same and i was studying things i didn't (probably still don't) really like. But it's all in the past now so..

But one thing. I'm proud of myself :)

And i do think i deserve to. For those of you who know my whole story, i really do, right? To kill the past me and rise anew as almost completely different character was hard. I learnt a lot these past 6 years, to bow my head, to always smile, accept that i no longer the center of the universe, accept that i do not know a thing and have to ask, to socialize. I learnt a lot about myself, and accept my flaws and limits. I learnt a-whole-lot about people, and i accept that people will not care about you, people only care about themselves and that's fine. Ideally, if everyone only cares about themselves and threads carefully in every situations, tiptoes slowly and gracefully on narrow bridges, no one will get hurt, right? In that situation, those who do get hurt (the weak and the stupid) only have themselves to blame, and it's fair for everyone. Survival of the fittest, the rule of the nature. But of course, that's not how the real world is. I let go of things very dearly to me, tried to embrace things i once hated (which progressing slowly, but positively :) :).. ).

If i were to comment anything about my path to MBBS per se, it's not hard. Definitely not easy, but not hard.  Always, i barely studied and i passed, alhamdulillah. I guess i can say that's hidden blessing from Allah. My parents, especially my dad, prayed all the time for my study. I have trouble learning new languages so despite the 6 years living here, i still don't understand Arabic and the rounds didn't benefit me as much as i hoped, but i scraped through alive. My weak memory didn't help either. When i said weak, i mean really weak, as in when i read a long sentence in the textbook, by the 5th line i have to reread because i forget the point earlier. I can understand things easily (well it's not that hard) but in balance, i forget things easily too. But alhamdulillah, most of the times i always got nice examiners so..Even when i got the established malignant doctors as my examiners, they strangely were nice to me. Probably because they pitied me kot..

Anyway, it was a wonderful journey, filled with exhilarating ups and dejected downs. I sincerely thank everyone i've met in this journey and may Allah bless all of you. Sorry for everything.

The end is near

I'm now in final period, and god, this gotta be the most stressful week ever! I'll have my 3rd paper, Surgery, next Wednesday and god!!!!!!!!!

They're awful, the questions. I wish they were alive so i can beat them into pulp, kick them in their gonads to make sure there are no next generation of awful questions. By awful, i mean hard and ridiculous, you can't simply open the books to find answers. Thank god for the existence of Google..

I wish i can go to my doctors, beg them to just let me pass and swear in front of them that it's ok to let this idiot pass because this idiot has no slightest intention to become a surgeon.

Bloody surgery.

Must.stay.strong.
Must.keep.fighting.

Also, i'm sending my prayers to Malaysians. The truth will prevail tomorrow! All the best everyone!

Snotty update

So these confirm my "olivefever" theory. Just few more months, and that's it! Might as well enjoy my last attack of "olivefever". And that also means, i can't reside in most parts of Middle East (Egypt, Syria, Lebanon, Palestine) and some parts of Europe (Spain, Italy, Greece) during March-May (olive pollination period). It won't kill me, but i prefer clear nose and i love my back. Why back, you ask? Well apparently you have never tried to sleep with 3 pillows.

I might as well slam this to my dermatologist to end our argument on do i have allergy or not. But of course, he's kind of right, there is no olive in Malaysia so..

Anyway, the perks of being a medical student: extremely cheap and easy healthcare. I didn't have to wait to consult with my specialist, just crashed into the clinic and greeted him then blurted all my problems, then he wanted to prescribe me tests and medications but couldn't do so if i didn't register so i registered (the process was smooth and easy, took less than 10 minutes), then went into his clinic, again, without taking a number. Tips: wear the labcoat to have some authority in KAUH haha.

The consultation was free, but because of registration process, i had to pay JD0.15. So cheap i wanted to cry!

The test: CBC with differentials, IgE level and allergy inhalation panel.Total cost: JD5.70. Again, so cheap i wanted to cry! They told me allergy panel was gonna take a month, but i got my result in less than 2 weeks. I was lucky kot.

The medication: 3 months stock of loratidine and 1 week stock of clarythromycin. But they don't allow drug hoarding, so i could only take 1 month worth of loratidine. Cost of 30 loratidine + 7 clarythromycin: JD0.15. Extremely cheap hospital can go bankrupt one! Plus, no need to go to that haunted health centre.

I'm gonna miss KAUH and my doctors there..so much.

edit: i went the next month to fetch my monthly stock of loratidine, and it was free! so the JD 0.15 was for the whole 3 months of loratidine and 1 week of clarithromycin. so cheap!!!!! all hail KAUH!

Heavyweight

Final of the final is approaching fast. Pray for me (and my whole batch) people please!

I've started to study on regular basis..the pressure is no joke i tell you. This really scares me shitless, can pee in the pants la every time i look at the final schedule. The problem is, the more i study, the less i seem to know. And then the pressure doubles! I'll keep trying anyway, He will always help me :)

Anyway, i found this pic on fb, and not sure how true it is. Probably not true at all, but who knows.

My first 3 words:

1. Intelligence - of course, that's what i really need now. Finalfinalfinalfinalfinal x_x!

2. Freedom - I want a car, and i want to be super strong like wolverine, so i can go anywhere i want, anytime, and not worried about being harassed.

3. Experience - That, i'm not sure.

Killer March

Throughout the almost 6 years i spent living here, this year might have the worst allergens yet. Last week, it started to warm up here, starting on Tuesday onwards, before it got cold again on weekend. The warmth means spring has kicked in. The sick spring..So on Tuesday night, my throat was literally on fire, i had a hard time swallowing my own saliva. On Wednesday, i had to sleep with 3 pillows because of severely congested airway, that equivalent to a 63-year-old woman with a known case of  interstitial lung fibrosis and heart failure with atrial fibrillation who was admitted due to pulmonary embolism. And my family med doctor was right, no one could sleep on 3 pillows, they'd break their back if they do that. And this week, i have my usual rhinorrhea with cough and sore throat every time i step outdoor. It's not as bad as last week btw, i guess my body takes time to warm up too..

Today, i had seminar on hypersensitvity, and i read the notes before the lecture. I rarely do that, but i just felt like it yesterday. Annnnnnd, after 6 years, only now i know that olive pollen is released in early spring, that is mid March, up to May. That precisely the period i'd be having my rhinitis and conjunctivitis! Oh if only i read/attend this lecture 2 years ago..(Lesson: READ/ATTEND/FOCUS ON THE LECTURES!)

As it is an allergy, it needs second exposure for the attack to develop. The first exposure prepare the mast cells with specific IgE receptor, so when the next exposure occurs, the mast cells will just run amok and degranulate and release all the inflammatory mediators. That will take some time, and maybe explained why i didn't really have symptoms in the first year.

The best treatment is avoidance, but since the allergens are in the air, and they are extremely tiny, there is no way for me to avoid them. And because it really bothers me, i asked my doctor how to manage my own case. His answer: Antihistamines should be helpful. Nasal corticosteroids is the best. Then i told him my brief history how antihistamines didn't really help, they just made it bearable, but i still have to blow my nose until it bleeds to clear the airway, he said, i should doubt my diagnosis. And then he said the phrase i scare the most: Come see me at my clinic. I can tell you everything there..

O.M.G.

That means allergy tests! I cursed my last prick test, i certainly do not want to repeat that!! Cursing in front of my own doctor who might be the one interviewing me and giving me marks..erm, not to mention, he's also the HOD of internal med dept, and is well known to be malignant during the exam.. There is this RAST test, not as awful as prick test but still..needle is not my forte. I cringed at glucocheck, i cried the whole 5 times of blood tests in my life, i took forever to prepare but still ended up crying at those IM jabs..I'm good with needle as long as it does not enter my skin. (not that i'm good handling them, i mean i'm not scare doing procedures)

Maybe i should just let it go..and suffer it the last time.More the reason to study hard, and graduate this year. Enough is enough, hayfever/pollen allergy/whatever thing i have in March-May in Jordan!

Sick Conundrum

I always malinger, for all the good reasons. Erm, if it was good reason, it wouldn't be call malingering right?  But the point is, i always visit the health centre whenever i feel under the weather. I am a medical student, i totally know what's wrong with me and how to treat it, but it's best to consult the real doctor, also, to get free drugs hahahahah. Being me, i have to keep my stash of antihistamines, mefenamic acid, steroid cream and paracetamol available at least enough for a week all the time. Ok i don't need mefenamic acid for a week, it's usually 1/month, but i'm OCD like that, it's nice to know i have a lot of it.

But then, i had to had Family Medicine course last year and screwed it. I performed extremely bad that i couldn't face my doctors there out of shame. It sucks that now i have to frequent the pharmacy and buy my own drugs. I did visit the health centre once though, when i had that sea urchin puncture and thought i was going to die. Damn you sea urchin, the next time i snorkel in Aqabah, i will extinct your population single-handedly.

Then, ironically, i felt really sick (got food poisoning, i thought i was going to die yesterday) today and i couldn't drag my ass off to the health centre and it got me thinking, what's the point of health centre really? To give free drugs to people like me, to give MC to other malingering gits, to do simple investigations of people with chronic disease, to follow up. But it has no role at all on helping really sick people pronto. Really sick people can barely run to the toilet to puke, let alone to get up, get dressed and go to the health centre.

And then, no health centre visit means no MC means absent for no reason to our doctor. I am lucky that i am now in Internal Medicine, they don't really give a damn on attendance and whatnot, but let say if i were in 5th year and in minor rotation that give a big fat damn on attendance, is it fair like this? You really are sick, but you have no evidence that you are sick because you're too sick to go get a proof that you're sick.

It's annoying like that, this world.

#update 4/5/2013: INTERNAL MED GAVE A BIG FAT DAMN ON ATTENDANCE! I GOT 0 FOR MY EVALUATION MARK GRRRR (CONFIRMED, I MET THE HOD AKA MY ALLERGIST)

Chronology

I finished the exams for paeds, and the journey was bumpy that i just have to write those..Oh Allah pleaseeee let me pass this one..

So let's get started a week before the exam. I had rounds, and thank god it's just the Eidun the military hospital because i was sick. Not sick enough that comes with malaise and whatnot, but the usual sick. I lost my voice and i couldn't speak at all for the whole week! It was annoying, but apparently i was good enough at sign language so my life was bearable...or not, when mom called and found out i couldn't speak and took advantage to lecture me for an hour, without me interfering, at all! And complaining that my handwriting sucks and i should write properly if i want to be a good doctor, while the truth was i was rushing to keep up with the conversation.  Also, i was so worried in case i couldn't speak on my osce so i really rest my voice well, i didn't even sing along whenever my fav songs came up. (Alhamdulillah that worked, i had my voice today, though it's a bit nasally)

Then, studied studied, came mini osce. It was easy in retrospect, but i don't know what my brain was thinking at that time. If only i could meet the doctors and explain that it wasn't me, it's all the snots that leaked into my brain and turned it into scumbag brain..The questions were easy and direct, like what's the expected physical signs? The scumbag brain got confused, translate the pictures as something totally different and wrote shits as answers aaarghhh

The next day, aka today, was osce. Under some twist of fate, i was the last one to finish the exam. There were 3 stations per case per person, and in total there were 18 stations, and i was the excess one. Everyone finished the exam before me, literally. So in the 1st case, it was ok. The cute resident (he wore bright red sweater and bright blue pants and sparkly white sneakers! So cute like teletubbies!) who took care of the line was so nice, he offered me water and literally ran to fetch me some. That's why he wore sneakers i guess, so he could run every time anyone needs water. Then, he also answered anything we asked, or didn't asked haha. And very motivating. And the doctors on that line were nice too, and encouraging.

But..the second case, it was disaster. As i mentioned before, i was the last one, so by the time i enter the room, the last doctor on management station, he was all ready to go home. In fact, he already enveloped the evaluation sheet. He didn't expect me at all, and he looked annoyed by the sight of me. It's not my fault doc! But worse than him, was the female (probably premenopausal) on physical examination station. The case was post- strep glomerulonephritis, so the first thing i wanted to check was the kid's bp. She was all, do it. So i put the bp cuff on the kid's arm, but the cuff was shitty. The velcro was worn out it didn't engage well. Everytime i tried to inflate, it kept disengage and the highest i could inflate was bloody 10mmHg! It was ridiculous and the premenopausal dr said to me annoyingly, you have to be fast because your time is limited. I was like, woman if you know that why did you give me this shitty sphigmo then??? Of course i didn't say it out loud, that would probably cost me -10, but seriously?? Then she didn't let me do things, or say whatever i want to do, she's the one who tell me to do things. I had to be proactive and cut her sometimes so i could tell her things i want to do instead, i mean this is an exam, i have my own ideas and you're the one to examine me, give me marks, now how are you going to evaluate me when all i did was following your orders?

And before the exam, a friend asked my doctor about the average mark for the final. And he answered, for mcq, it's about 18, then for oral, about 7. Everyone was like whattt? then he said we could get like 25 for osce+mini osce and that's a pass. 50. Then again, everyone was protesting, the cutoff average to graduate is 60! He said, nah it's ok, you could get better mark at surgery and internal med to top it up. Super stingy @_@

Anyway, looking at the bright side, no more pediatric after this (amin)! No more oncalls, cases, nerves, kids crying, diapers smell, and the abundant virulent microorganisms. Though i might miss my the cute, nice resident..So long, dr, may you stay kind and nice, and always dress that way.

Energy

Exam is around the corner, again! And i was a busy bee recently, on-calls, cases and everything. Thank god i got through everything almost unscathed. Almost, because during the morning report i got the most malignant dr, dr. W to supervise me right after a round with him (which he was inexplicably nice) the previous morning which he somehow managed to remember my name because i was too clueless (euphemism for stupid). Well, as a lucky girl, he was unbelievably nice that morning too, heck, he even trusted my words more than his 4th year resident. Or maybe he pretended to, but meh, all i care was he's not pissed at me. And also, almost unscathed, because my tonsils are swollen and my throat feels so dry now that i can feel the air goes through the windpipe, thanks to the too many microorganism in the wards.

Also, my skin breaks out in this chaos and it really bothers me. By breaking out, i mean getting zits which every individual zit stays more than 1 week. This particular zit just below my nose, it has been there for almost 3 weeks now! i've popped it 4 times already, but it's still there! My skin is dry type with no zits because not enough oil production, even when i got zits cyclically, it disappears right after i pop it, without a scar. I guess i'm quite stressed lately.

I should de-stress a bit, before diving straight into exam-cramp mood. So, yeah, hello ASOS :)

And, i found this nice, very motivating picture from a friend. Keep calm, everyone, and let's graduate. (or whatever you working people do that equals to graduate hihi)

It's coming

2013, finally..I've been waiting for this year since 31/8/2007, the moment i touched down in Amman Airport.  And i think i'm quite a lucky girl, i survive living here for 5 years *gasp!* and now it's only about 5-6 months before i leave this H-hole for good and you know how we often feel like the longest moments of waiting are always the few last ones? Well, being a lucky girl, this few last ones bolt like Bolt because well, i'm in Paeds rotation now and it's kinda busy since i have to write 20 cases, which i haven't start yet because of some technical problems. Just hope the coming rotation will feel like this too.

So paeds. To be honest, it doesn't feel as bad as in 4th year. In fact, i actually enjoy it more then the previous surgery. Kids are cute, small, some are annoying, some are just too cute and funny. I certainly enjoy my round in NICU, because babies in there mostly are too sick to cry and when they cry, it's sometimes a good thing and they are in incubator so the cries are not too loud and bothersome. And i think i harden up, i no longer choke or cry silently whenever i see babies with syndromes or diseases with poor prognosis.

Or maybe i just enjoy this rotation because of the abundant day-offs. Next week is the 5th week (if i'm not mistaken) and it's the 1st full week we'll have. We had the new year holiday, the awesome hibernation snow holidays, the maulidurrasul holiday (PBUH), the election holiday, the shorten day because of frost so yeah!  As usual, i slept a lot during those holiday haha, which has taken its toll on me, in my class graduation photo :((.  Last week we took the photo, and my face was so bloated it looks like someone on steroid, or with cushing syndrome. or a pregnant lady with PET. SUPER BLOATED wuaaaa. Maybe i should ask the committee to let me edit the photo and photoshop myself. The photo was taken right after i woke up from my lecture nap so..Dad said, it's ok, it makes it easier for him to recognize me, he can recognize me pronto even if  i place the photo 1m from him.

Anyway, i'm sleepy now so zzzzzz out. peace

Sleep dear, sleep

So yay! New year= holiday = sleep!

I wonder why people celebrate new year. It's nothing special, just another day off. If we were to celebrate every day off, then we'd have to celebrate every weekend too. But meh, not complaining, i love day off, and i love the after-new year sale so yeah, whatever people. I hope these people can also create another celebration like new month/moon so people like me can enjoy another relaxing destressing day off.

So i'm now in paeds, the horror of medical school. My first day in ward today, was nice and smooth. Erm, i actually missed the morning report but no big deal. My patient, who was a 1y2m baby behaved well too. Kids are cute they make me hungry i don't know why. I'm always hungry during the round, but with kids around, it gets hungrier. Thank god it's not ramadhan now.

Anyway, the result for surgery isn't out yet, so i'm kinda restless..I did very bad in mini osce, so bad that i left some questions blank. I thought i did well in osce but in retrospective, i did leave some important questions/findings. And oh, i was so stressed during the study week (as usual, i'm always stressed whenever there's an exam around) that i lost few cms. I can't say few kgs because i didn't weigh myself, but i was sure i shed few cms because I got a serious pant situation on the d-day, and it's not good..

Hope i get a good mark for it, though i flunked the exam..greedy greedy haha

Life update

So, brief version. Life's tough. Suck it.

Haha no la. Life's indeed tough, but i'm tougher. But seriously, it's getting tougher and tougher. Winter's settling, i hate cold it made me sick, my only plug sparks fire whenever i vacuum my room so there's no way i can use my electric heater, gas heater sickens me and gas price is ridiculously expensive, i'm in serious rotation so i need to go out at 7.15 everyday and since it's winter it's so dark outside (not to mention cold!!), i have exams in about 3 weeks time and i have no clue what i've learnt in surgery because i hate the materials so i didn't start studying AT ALL, the recurrent random idiopathic blackouts, my family kinda forget they actually have another member here struggling with life. Other than these, i'm fine, except these kinda summarize all my life here, so..

How tough life is, you ask?

See that pic above? That is my creative ep-830 earphones, left side. i accidentally tore the cover apart, and it freaked me out! In where i am right now with this economy, there's no way i could afford a brand new excellent in-ear noise isolating earphones like this. Yes, trust me ep-830 is the best earphones i've ever had. I had coby, JVC, Phillips and Sony before, i forgot their subtypes but all of them were labelled noise isolating in-ear, and all of them were priced higher than this one (i bought these at rm40 2 years ago from that gadget shop at Taman Pekaka near USM Nibong Tebal, it's a steal! I saw it in Amazon and it's USD40), but none of those came near this one. This baby, quoting my mom's words, "makes you hear voices inside your head and no, you're not schizophrenic. It's just an orchestra here circling around my head.". And it has a decent level of noise isolating, enough to drown those annoying arabic songs in the bus.

Erm..what was i talking about?

Ah..ok, so i taped it, and so far it held up well. Except that annoying tape sound whenever i wanna plug it out of my ear. shhhhhrrrrrrp. that kinda sound. Anyway, since the tape i used was wide, i cut it into half, and use the other half to tape the good side. In this economy, i couldn't afford to waste anything so..

prophylactic measurement

About 6-7 months before i left this place and hardship, i really hope i can hold everything together, and nothing from outside to stop me. Because i had/have enough, and i don't think i can prolong my stay even for a while, for the sake of my sanity and others' safety.

Swimming fetus

Ok i really need to blog about this.

Earlier this morning, my friend and I saw a swimming fetus it's so cute!!!!!!! It's 10 weeks old, it's so tiny, then when the probe was on him, he wiggled and attempted to "climb" the sac. OMG it's so cute beyond words, it's the cutest thing ever, in my med school life. I regret not recording it and make it my screen saver.

This is the youtube version, but the one i saw is 100x cuter! haha bias much. But seriously, the one i saw live is cuter, he wiggled more rigorous and he's kinda doing back-flip!

Anyway, what a turnoff, thinking that i swam so much when i was a fetus, but after 22 years living on earth and exposed to wider pools, i can't swim. It's like evolving backward oh god i really should learn how to swim seriously and stop making a huge fuss whenever my ears are drenched.

Then, another highlight of the day: we took out a cannula from a newly discharged patient ON THE STREET OUTSIDE while waiting for taxi. Yeah who needs a nurse/room for that, that's so mainstream  -__- (disclaimer: this sentence is a joke don't start prejudice you humor-palsy people)

There goes a fighter...

Finally after 5 years, i am able to stay at home longer than two months. And i come to realize lots of things, some of them are pretty big, enough to change my perspective, and possibly my life plan. And one of the most important among them, Malaysian hospital. So yeah, shoot.

I did my elective (o&g and emergency) at this hospital, which shall remained unnamed, and it was..... not a nice experience. But it was very helpful, it gave me the exposure i need, it's just the shock was bombastic. I'm being whiny here, as always, but mind you people, my very first time being in hospital was in KAUH (King Abdullah University Hospital), and i spent most of the last 2 years of my life there so, yes, i was shocked after visiting that hospital. Things worth mentioning:

1. O&G department was depressing, the doctors there really know how to scold. Asking things also got scolded. I love studying o&g, so naturally i'd love to know how it's like in real world, and surveying my work prospect. It was horrible, and awful, to work under such environment. Half of my determination was drained..

2. Malaysia is an endemic country omg! pulmonary TB is so common here, and other infectious diseases such as dengue, lepto-something, meliodoisis (not sure), malaria..even HIV! I guess once i start working i'll be wearing face mask non-stop, being germ-phobic.. might go blue due to lack of o2 haha

3. The lingo..the abbreviation, they change everything..no more cbc, lft, kft, u/a, u/e. And they use giddiness a lot, which is weird, i don't know why we never use it in JUST. The way malaysian use it, it's so common, i thought it means dizziness, but i was wrong. Someone explained it to me, but i forgot already what it means. But really, giddiness as chief complaint? sounds so not right to my JUSTized ear.

4. The shock from seeing the hospital itself...@__@. So rundown, and not organized. Ye la, hospital tua, need to walk a lot from building to building.

5. ECG paper..they use this very long strip of paper, all the 12 leads are printed horizontally, so it's very long, and troublesome. In the ward, they cut it lead by lead and paste it on the history paper. Kinda funny.

6. No automated bed, shame. i bet they know how much i love playing that.

7. Emergency department was nicer than o&g, a lot. and it's nice, in a way that patients come and go, no follow up haha. but also, shame, it's very much like family medicine, plus adrenaline. one needs to know everything in the textbook, or it'll cost the patient's life. so yeah, i cannot like it, being a medical student with knowledge shallower than lopak air atas highway.

8. I met a houseman, and she's in anest dept! I never know this, but apparently anest dept also takes houseman now. It's either one, anest or emergency. But she said it's not her choice, and one can't choose which one they want. Oh please i really really really really really really really want to be in anest, and the don't-have-to-do-emergency is golden! I hope i get to be posted in anest, amin. (too early anyway, got a year before graduation)

Anyways. It's an eye-opening experience, and i did learn a lot and i know there are so much to do to be a good doctor..So first step, pass the final year. Study well. The rest, as i always say, worry later la.

Ps: Living things is quite nice, after re-listening. But i think it's due to my soft spot for LP. My fav, rap in until it breaks. Sigh, i bet they'll never measure up to their classics again..or maybe i just feel those classics are great because i listened to them during my "prime" age.

MAX

2 papers left. I'm totally drained out now..

It's so depressing to answer without confidence, which is of course totally my fault for not studying enough. Because of that I doubted my answers, then ended up changing them into wrong ones in the last minute. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarghhh

One thing medical school teaches me: how it feels like to be an idiot. It doesn't feel good.

Stuffy nose remedy

This is breakthrough!

I've been suffering from severe hay fever these last 2-3 weeks, it disturbs my night sleep, and i kinda forget already how to breathe using my nose. I notice there is slight improvement with repositioning. Sitting is better than supine, and standing is better than sitting.

Funny thing is, my nose doesn't seem to clog much if i do some strenuous activity. I guess sympathetic stimulation plays a role in clearing the nose, so i got this idea. When my nose is clogged to the point i couldn't eat or speak because i need to use my mouth to breathe, instead of blowing nose so hard that almost injure other organs (i feel like i displace my scapula and have abdominal hernia sometimes) or applying vick or inhaling eucalyptus, how about exercising?

So i did just now, and it works miracle! In matter of seconds, my nose cleared! i rope-skipped, and it's by far the best and quickest remedy for stuffy nose. So, yay, and i'm so gonna pay revenge to my neighbour who keep screaming at the top of their lungs when i wanna go to sleep. You suckers, i'm so gonna skip at 3am and i will wear sport shoes, and if possible, i'll attach horse shoe at the sole! Now you know how it feels like. Oh if that's not enough, i'll play some dance music at max and dance until you're out of your mind. Technically if rope-skipping is effective, dancing must be effective too.

School talking, well i just finished the 5th year this morning with radiology mid-term paper. My friends who already finished the course kept reminding us how easy radiology was. I was this close *the distance between nail and nail bed* from slaughtering them. Heck it was bl00dy difficult, no time to write the answer. 1 of qs: they gave us pet scan which show increased uptake at abdominal lymph nodes. In history they said the patient had lymphoma with abdominal lymphadenopathy, underwent treatment. the q: what is your diagnosis?-->wtf right? it's obviously lymphoma why bother asking me again?! Btw i didn't write that because no time, i just wrote, lymphoma (not cure). I'm so dead i think i have to buy prime with my own money huuhuuhuu :((