Keliru

Is this psychosis?

There is a person, i used to love. Then we got into silence fight, which reasons remain unknown. No bitch-shout like i usually have whenever i fight with my sisters.

For the sake of writing and identity, i'll call this person x throughout this entry.

x was my bestfriend. i dont know if x still is. x may hate me, lots of people do. x left me because x felt ignored. truth is, i am THAT ignorant. even my parents sometimes complain about how they feel ignored by me, no call, no sms, no ym for some days. and from my side, i dont know how to show that i care. should i call/sms/ym every minute, it will be so boring and useless and troublesome. i create the gap so i'll miss, but only to the extent i can stand. then i'll bridge the gap that self-created only, not when it is created by other.

x left me because x felt i overspent time with other so x felt, again, ignored. truth is, yes i did overspend time with other, because x did it first. i thought x would love hanging out with other, x is extrovert. and we went wayyy beyond that. i did feel jealous.

and we havent talk for months. funny to think how i manage to do that to someone i ym-ed almost every night for hours, talked rubbish, and sleepover at each other house for every other night,abruptly. some scars run too deep.

i miss x, yes i do. but in the same time i am angry with x, i want to hurt x so x will feel like i did and still do. but i will never do that because i love x. if we can talk, i dunno what to talk about, though we have tons to catch up. it's more like i can't talk to x, and vice versa. i miss x terribly. but x may hate me. i never hope x'll miss me, i'm not worth it.

whenever i see x is alone, my heart is thumping so loud urging me to go and talk. but i am so coward, i am afraid, afraid of rejection. how do i feel if x then turns away when i talk? i am optimist, but not in relationship with people. though magically, in business relationship, i do well most of the time.

on disgressing, in this world the thing i scare the most is snake. second to it is, rejection in any kind.

but x may hate me. x may also not hate me. simple probability is gonna be 50%. but looking to my past, i daresay it's less than 20%. i'll try someday, when i muster enough courage.

x is a girl. i trust her with my everything, i never hide a thing from her, in the past. one thing why i felt distance with her is, she did hide things from me. well, i'm not good enough for her to be trusted. and i felt like a cipher by that doing.

you this is why i should not have a boyfriend. until i have proper relationships with all my bffs, i wont bother for a bf. dont try, i might waver.

SO I NEED MY SHOPPING THERAPY, AND SADLY MALLS ARE 4 HOURS RETURN JOURNEY AND I HAVE NO CAR.WTF.

maka saya pun stadi. dahla bleach manga tak keluar minggu ni.

ke arah git 80 lebey.

ps: sebiji kompite di parlimen malaysia bernilai rm12k, menurut akhbar bintang itu. macam baghal kan, nak nipu claim pun pegi survey kedai dulu la. iMac os snow leopard ori dari apple 27" screen pun baru 9-10k include shipping. takkan duit minyak 2k kot. seriyes baghal.