is it goodbye?

3 months ago, i was struggling with final exams, i was stressed and my study desk was filled with thick medical books and boring notes. One night, when i was at the peak of my stress (i lost few kilos over those study weeks), the electricity was kapoof! Out! i was flabbergasted and i suddenly had some jerky movement, (chorea?) and that very calamity happened..:(( my zen dropped from those stacked up books to the floor, and its screen broke from inside. I was so sad i stopped studying that night and just sobbed myself to sleep. i really love my mp, i love it more than my passport and purse. 

Despite the looks, i still used it. It still worked perfectly, the audio was(and still is) perfect, and i still could peek to browse. Until....

The broken screen became worse and it's so hard to browse..i can't peek anymore for different playlist, for dj setting, for equalizer...and it's time for new mp3 player. sad sad sad sad! my history of mp3 player started with a zen exactly like this 2gb, before i carelessly misplaced it, i believed i might have throw it away while clearing my dustbin. i loved that one so much, for its quality and its sentimental value, and also the original creative black silicon skin. then my brother took pity of me and gave me his (the picture). It served me well, just like the first one, though i did take my time to get used to not having the skin. and now, my zen is dying...though the audio still works perfectly..:( :( :(

and the hassle of looking for a new mp3 player is )&*(^&$%#^( irritating! I want zen but there is no creative near my housing area. i'm afraid to try other brands like samsung, sony, or philips because creative is my first love and i'm comfortable with it. a part of me urges for nano but i hate apple and jobs-related and the audio is inferior, not to my liking, not too crisp. i look for creative products from lelong, and the original zen like mine is not available. as expected, it's old and has stopped being produced. and the newer ones are tacky. x-fi= wth with those buttons? x-fi style= newer zen like mine, with mosaic-like cover and x-fi tech and built-in speaker...i consider it, but i hate the mosaic like cover..but this one is close to my needs..and i'm too lazy to research other brands. i don't think i'll like sony because i think it is too complicated for simple and narrow-minded people like me.so many series too, it's confusing! philips ariaz has long playback hours (45+ hours!)..sony can't play flac but people say its audio is superb but there are limited series in malaysia.

and all these hassles start from stupid blackout in irbid 3 months ago! aku memang dendam tnb joden dari dulu lagi! timing blackout tak cantik la...takde warning langsung.

Raya day 7

Day 7 or 8 ar

Adoi cannot press question mark key and dot key

the loneliness and the scariness of sleeping alone is haunting me now

lucky i'm extremely hungry i could eat a mammoth now and it bothers me enough not to miss my sleeping partners too much

be good, dear sleeping partners

ps, (slash,colon,equal to symbols all tak makan also!) untung belajar medic or course undergrad yang lama macam kat uia (more than 4 years) according to my family tradition, selagi tak grad dapat duit raya see if buat medic di us or uk or india, boleh dapat duit raya lama lagi

ps2, the absence of dot key is torturing baru tau

i finished my reading, excluded microb and biochem. aaarghh so lazyy. why in the world do i post this entry? unconscious action. or more like, conscious action with no purpose. dyskinesia? how come study can be soooo boring? if tomorrow isnt exam day, i would have watch movies instead. i want to, now, but isnt it too reckless? aaarghh.

first time ever. two entries in one night.

go study go study go study. miracles dont happen too often.

LiveStrong

Do you remember there were times when that rubber hand-bands are the trend? no point to it, but worth this space because of the live strong message. Be strong. I never tempted to that thing, because abah told me only keling wear that.

At this age and with what i've been through, i think i'm way past the phase of  "she ignored me, and i'm hurt."  but i'm not that strong. 2 very close friends stop talking to me altogether for more than a year. i've been whining ever since, and i hate it. normal person will talk it out, but i have the courage of a sloth, so..

i really thought time would heal, and i was wrong. this time, in this situation, time makes it worse. especially to someone who i see almost everyday. and to someone i dont see and i cant reach everyday, i actually forgot about you, until another someone leaked it out that you are still alive, safe and kicking and graduated and riching and fattening with my brother. oh why in the world i use you, it's not like he's reading it anymore.

it hurts to see people who used to be very close to me, end up moving on hating and very keen on forgetting me. oh yes, i feel the animosity. but measuring it up from their points, maybe they feel the same. maybe they dont.

i should have broke my amygdala, specific on area storing all memory about them, because it hurts too much.but in the same time i dont want not to know them, life would have been dull without them. irrelevant ambiguity.

keep trying A, and live strong. whining wont sell the stock.

ps: i feel like they whispered to me, " No i wont wait forever" , just like in the Signal Fire. and now that forever is up. but i'll keep trying, until the time i really fail.

ps2: Man i forgot. initially i want to write a birthday entry for ku apek (my sister), it's her sweet seventeenth. curse this mood swing. but still, footnote still counts. happy birthday, ku apek. i'll write you a full birthday entry once you really read my blog. I pray for your life to be the best and blessed, anywhere, everytime. and maybe, smarter, since you are the dumbest in our family.

Good medical students dont eat salad at restaurants

'Twas a random weekday noon. Dad called.

"kakak balik naa. abah dah prepare skit2 ni untuk kakak pi london."

"hah, london. buat pe?" (dalam hati kata, abah ni, nak soping pon, tunggula abih sem. bukan dia takdak jadual aku)

"eh, bukan haritu kata nak tukar course ka? nak masuk london hapebende school tu. abah dah suruh cikgu ***** tunggu kakak kat sana dah. abah tak leh pi time tu, ada kerja."

"EH BETUI KE NI..ABAH TAK MARAH KE KAKAK QUIT MEDIC?"

"alah balik je la kak oi."

Then it went pitch black. maybe i fainted. minutes later, i heard voices from afar, saying,
"A, A, bangun bangun. dah kul 1030 ni." (my class starts at 1115, and journey to my class is 5 mins running to bus station, 3-15 mins to wait for the bus departure, 20 minutes on bus ride, plus 10 minutes running to class from main gate)

*****

It was a dream i really hope to come to life. but impressively, i didnt cry. i still have enough time to turn my path 180 degree around, but i dont and i feel like i want to keep living this path.

recently, i met my friend and she brought up the i-was-really-gifted story. i was ok when i talked to her, i didnt feel anything. but on the way back, i kept thinking, why am i such a scum now? and i cried reflexly. at that time, i kept thinking about my past, the feeling of i can excel it, the feeling of the champ, being on the top, teachers' pet, studying with passion, winning and winning, being referred as the genius, feared even by nerdy and thick-spectacled fellow asians. then i compared with the me now, who lives like what my brother called, babi. makan, tido. when exams come, i study just to barely reach the threshold of naik taun. and top it with the feeling of, it's enough. hell it doesnt. and when my heart denies it, i comfort it with the i-dont-like-it-so-it's-ok feeling. but for how long?

and whenever those complicated feelings arise, i thought, why dont i go? for good or for worse, it's a matter no one knows. the road is clear for now, with the only obstacle being is the parents.no, not parents, it's only abah. or maybe i'm just too scare to risk this comfortable life, and use abah as my reason.

but today, for once, i feel motivated and very keen to live as medical student. though i dont open any medical books for god-knows how long and still dont, but it's the spirit that counts. may it be a good sign. may i be a good muslim doctor in 2013.

a gazillion people told me to live my dream, and told gazillion stories on how people overcome their problems only to get things their ways, but for me, i put my parents first.sounds too saint,huh..but seriously, i have to put my parents first.even if it means living their way, as if i'm their puppet. family tradition, maybe. dad listened to tok wan, he became a teacher instead of an air force. mama listened to pak teh (tok ki doesnt care much), she became a teacher too. ayong listened to abah and mama, he became a teacher too, instead of engineer or it analyst or thousands things he could be. and me, you know the drill.

why parents first? well, of course, it's default by nature. even in islam, as long as parent dont ask for bad things, obey them. and another major issue, i always think, mama and abah will never leave me, when everybody else does. my parents are a wee bit strict on certain issues, and i know there must be a concrete reason behind. i know i really suck in relationship, and how almost everybody hurts by me, and hurts me back, but miraculously my parents never be one of them eventhough they are ones of the three who know me since i was born. (the third being is my bro and he hurts me every second possible.) i just love my parents, and i want them proud of me, just as much as they proud of my brother being a teacher. somehow, i think, my parents must hate glamourous things. i mean, having an engineer son is a glamour thing. malay said, saham tinggi. but my parents..they must have third eye, see the unseen. though i prefer having an engineer brother, so my chance to get an engineer/architect husband is higher.

pen off, with a will to wake up early tomorrow and be a good medical student, and stabilize my life back. on the other small note, two nights ago, i screamed like a banshee after weighing myself. i gained 6kg after my egypt cheap food paradise vacation. have scheduled the 6kg-less plan, and have followed it. hope it works.

I will strive in medicine and wont touch this issue again. (i hope)

Anger Storm

Mungkin sebab ni bulan panas, hati aku pun turut sama panas tak reti nak sejuk. Kali ni, panas dengan kerajaan joden hampeh ni. Aku pun taktau macam mana mereka masih mampu menjadi satu negara, patutnya dah lama jadi jajahan mesir atau syria. Mungkin sebab anak angkat us. heh, name je anak angkat us, tapi government hampeh satu abuk pun tamau cakap omputih ngan aku yang kelu nak cakap arab. pulak tu, teknologi jangan cakap la, 4 taun belakang malaysia, 7 taun blakang us, 13 taun belakang jepun. sidekick, heh ko ngigau dulu la, aku cari dari first year tak jumpa2 lagi sampai skarang kat sini.

Urusan aku bukan susah, senang bagai je beb. register sebijik kete yang memang sah akad nikahnya dengan aku. aku sekarang dah apply everything, tunggu everything tu ripe je utk sah settle. apply dah lame, sebulan yang lalu. walaupun aku habuk tak buat ape, sume pihak kete yang urus, tapi still aku kene ulang alik beberapa kali, pegi marka pekan koboi yang macam pekan dalam house of wax, sign la pape yang patut.

Bukanla aku tak sabar, tapi bajet la, ingat aku student sans macam syahid ke, goyang kaki je exam pun dalam bilik tidur. aku student medic di university paling kemut cuti dalam dunia, belum lagi aku nak sebut keje tak rasmi aku.

setelah ratusan phone calls dibuat dan diterima, orang reg dept cakap esok die pegi intelligence (ni satu hal, bende nak buat security approval -perluke security approval dalam pendaftaran sebijik kete murahan tu, takyah tanya aku, joden memang pelik- pun kene bawak ke mi. ingat aku lucifer box ke. aku satu martial art pun tak reti, badan pun tak tough,ayu je, takdenye mane2 puak penentang nak recruit aku). and esok dia kol aku. heh, janji bewak. sure aku gak yang kene kol dulu.

aku warning tadi, aku nak report embassy kalau lambat sangat, tapi ape embassy nak buat kat aku. aku malaysian, bukan american. tau sendirila kan malaysia bukan sayang sangat rakyat dia. ni dah limit aku ni, next week dah pose. kalau minggu ni tak siap jugak, we play hard together. so puak aku, korang jangan sibuk-sibuk nak buat kenduri grad abang aku, i need your help. we will launch war to the government of jordan, particularly registration department. loading time, aku rase seminggu cukup kot. kite main runcit-runcit je dulu, aku tak rasa diorang mampu lawan bigbro. sian jugak beb, muslim.

sebut pasal muslim, ni satu hal. kalau aku orang bisnes, mampus dulu kot baru aku deal dengan joden ni. joden memang tak pro, diorang punye procedure aku rasa ok je kot, agak tight and complex, tapi yang bersangatan dan tidak mampu dipikul pekerja dia yang pesen pejabat bukak pukul 11 pagi tutup pukul 3 petang. hape kes tah yang nak balik awal sangat tu, bini ngandung setiap masa kot. takpun bibik lari dari rumah. bende kite nak tolong muslim, tapi kalau perangai rupe syillake camni, cemana nak buat? piki sendiri la. orang duk suruh boikot boikot amerika sume, tapi kalau alternativenya adalah se-syillake ni, camne? sape yang mampus dulu? nasib baik kite still ade kaum mate sepet, yang walaupun kerek dan tak mandi pagi, tapi still ok kot. slack tak muslim je.

entahla. putus harapan aku. doa, memangla doa, usaha sume, tapi ni main dengan golongan yang kemajuan 6 taun di belakang kite, susah gak.

abah cakap lagi best, memang kene idung aku aku patah dua.

"kak, bende orang bagi free, tunggu je la. kalau tak dapat pun, nak buat camne bukan rezeki kite. abah mampu lagi tanggung kakak, kakak duit banyak pun, nak buat ape."

duhh, abah, anakmu ini sangat materialistic. kakak bukan typical girl yang spend duit tak tentu hala beli barang branded untuk fashion, maybe sebab tu abah tak sedar kakak materialistic. i'm eyeing for mortgage, estates and land, for the sake of our family clan, our race. takleh cakap banyak, p&c gak hal ni. sebab tula aku agak serius dalam urusan mencari duit ni. ni skarang peluang dah ada, and memang hak aku, takkan nak lepas pulak.

they mess with the wrong one. aku bukan dendam, aku cume memberi pengajaran, tu pun still dalam consideration, memandangkan urusan aku dengan mohe kat sini pun rupe tak settle lagi.dah rupe budak wanted joden pulak aku ni.baru 2 taun.

bumi bertuah bumi anbiya', tapi....

Bahagia Sentosa Aman Damai,heaven!

Alhamdulillah, life has been too great for me lately. When everything turned out to be miracles, all i want is to freeze the time, so i won't lost all these things. But i couldn't, as to fit the principle of time, as time flies by, i'm pretty sure i'll lose them. So while i still can hold them, i'll savour every moments of it. Just cherish the now, and do not worry about tomorrow. What will happen tomorrow is out of my grasp, so why worry?

As i am sure i'll lose them, doesn't mean i'm ready to lose them. Yeah, they are not mine, i know. Me is not mine either. All is His. So please Allah, please don't let me lose my faith once i lose them.

*******

" Eleh, kakak bagi makan malam gajah goreng pun tak cukup. Macam Shrek."

Hey young ladies, Shrek doesn't eat elephant as far as i can remember. And hark who's talking, you both are glutton, (oh, abang pun). when all of you are hungry, then you lost in the jungle and stumble across the jaguar, it is undoubtable that the jaguar will actually run chickenly because you all are more carnivorous than him (him refers to the jaguar, because in my mind, i imagine jaguar as a macho and very masculine animal. i swear i'll fall for him if i'm a cheetah.). And i'm not FAT! ( and if i am, so what?!) And final word, watch your tongue if you still love them, i have a pretty decent skill at cutting. Cutting everything, ranging from typical paper to people's necks. Haunt you tonight! Heh.