We choose to live, so live it lively

In life, we undeniably choose our on way, our own consequences. But we can't control our fate. We plan nicely, we organise neatly, but who knows the storm that waits in the end? Or who knows if the end is heaven. And it's all begin from our choice, that we have made wether willingly or forcibly.

Let see this example, of myself.

When i was a child, i wanted to be a doctor, mainly because doctors usually have lots of money. Yeah, i am materialistic, maybe by nature. Blame my parents for being really restrictive, and very observant on the way i spent my money. My parents didn't allow us (my bro and i) to hold our own money.I asked for things, and usually i got them in the end, but of course with hurdles to pass through. Like, to gain a brand new cd games, i have to help my dad settle his things with textbooks (abah cikgu buku text time tu). tolong cop buku text, yang mountains bey! satu store, mountains of textbook yang memang lagi tinggi dari aku, settle dalam sehari. tu baru untuk cd games pirate, yang biasanya dalam 3-4 bulan lepas game keluar.

At that time, i always wish if only i have more money. Ye la, that time, my only money supplier was my parents. They gave me only what i need, never more. 50 cents for school expenditure, until i was in standard 5. I had my primary education in rural area, and mostly my friend are from family of estate workers and i may say,poorer than me, but still my daily allowance was the lowest in my class. Lima kupang time darjah 1-3, boleh beli nasi lemak+air or buah. Tapi naik darjah 4-6, tender tukar.nasi lemak jadi 3 kupang,tak sedap.nasik lemak sedap, 5 kupang, tapi habihla duit aku. time tu, aku save duit hari-hari untuk tabung game+komik. Aku nak duit lebih tapi abah tak bagi. Tu pasal aku selalu cilok masuk bilik guru makan mak aku punye kuih.

Then, in high school, i was kind of rebellious. I didn't go to school of my choice ( but know i am grateful i've attended the best school, and my parents are never wrong), and i can say that i didn't really aware about my perfomance in study during the lower form. But that didn't mean i slipped from the top 3 spot, but i can say, i maintained my spot largely due to poor performance of others.I didn't even know what i wanted to be at that time, but i just randomly said i want to be a doctor, mainly because that's what my dad wanted (and still wants) me to be.

But when i was in upper form, i was in love (much more than i already did) with numbers. I changed my ambition into numerical field of occupation that i can think of, but seriously i couldn't think of any. I meant, i was quite good at math and its siblings, but i hate accounts and didn't took it in my spm. Then came was this youth and i discovered the world of actuarial science. But still, i don't actually like it, because i hate statistics. Ok, that's gonna be another post of it, but i set, i want to further my study in math.

And now, i was destined to study medicine. I don't blame anyone for this fact, i chose it. Yeah, sure, it was my parents', but still, i chose to obey them. And because i chose it, the only way left is to survive.

I despise those who chose but then, complaining about this and that, or turning the way back, or still vaguely don't know what to do, thinking wether it's a good choice. Once we made the choice, voila, that's it. Just work it out la bangang. The way won't clear by the bitching, the obstacles won't be lifted by the grumpiness, and the victory will certainly not to be achieved by doing that.

Oh i forgot. Maybe those people aiming the only other way than victory, which i shall not mention since that won't be my way forever.

We can't secure success, but we strive if we want it. Sometimes we strive yet we fail, and it is frustrating. I experienced that bitter moments, and it makes me appreciating the good days more and more, and reminding me to the Controller. And i think we all need those moments for reminder, but i hope for those to come, please be it within my capability.

And sometimes, in the middle of our journey, we succumb to certain persuasions. macam kau tengah study, then kau penat atau otak kau blank sebab kau tak baca quran selalu so hati kau pon gelap study pon tak masuk otak, maka kau tengok movies. one after another, then you realized the exam is only hours away. time ni, pikir-pikir sendiri la ape jadi, and tahap tawakkal memang melangit tinggi. time tu baru bangun solat hajat, tahajjud, witir segala. manusia tanggang malin kundang.

And also sometimes, our visions are wrong and we need to change the way we went through, yet we don't realize it. And when some other caring people point it out, throw away the ego and admit it and change. I just went through this phase, and it's hard. And luckily this time, the one that gives me the reminder is one of my alter-ego. Thank you. Tapi macam biasala, kalau salah, orang tak mengaku salah. siap gaduh jerit kat skype lagi kan (sori-sori sori..haha). hah, now i recall some points. Some people complaining about something that bugging them, yet they NEVER realize that the main source of the problems comes from themselves. then when some other caring people try to straighten them out, they get angry (fool!) and say, "hey, everybody did it!" or "no i'm not like that". I am in no mood to argue with this kind of fool, but i am so happy that there are still some kind of good people that can stand dealing with them. i hope this good people will stay good, and this fools will finally open their eyes and minds. Sometimes, the mistakes are not just perception, but it's gazetted. So, we are too, gazetted to avoid them. This is a very basic concept, even a kindergartener can understand it. But human being human, when ego solidifies, we can't see the truth.

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Entahla, entry ni sebenanye nak tulih lain, tapi macam bese, jadi bahasa lain dan maksud pun lain. Musykil aku cemane aku boleh pass esei bm+ english dedulu.

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Aku pelik kenape menara ni tak sefemes pisa tu.mungkin dia punya darjah kecondongan tak cukup hebat lagi. tapi perak memang kong. sikit pun tak preserve bende ni, aku syak 5-10 taun lagi diorang bagi runtuh la tu, buat mall baru. Kat dalam menara ni gerun gak weh, tengah-tengah dia ada telaga, pastu dia ni zaman aku pegi tu(f4,2005) kayu, kite jalan tepi-tepi dia.kire macam kau jalan belah dalam tu, dalam keadaan mendaki, ukur lilit menara ni. kau bayang model dna tu,hah, jalan dalam dia melalui base tu, jangan cross hydrogen bond tu,and jalan terus ke atas.panjang pulak description. Aku pegi sini, lari-lari dengan mak ucu siah(name gleme skarang, ashiya), orang lain pi shopping barang alang-alang transit on the way back to our isolated school, kitorang pegi sini. Bajet ahli arkeologi.

ps: Even if i am a millionaire, i will not throw away my part-time task. I am not blonde and key-yel. Some say, lost a pence but gain a pound, but for me, i prefer not to lost what's already mine, even if it's a pence.