disclaimer: probably the most personal entry in this blog. but then again this is the blog with no reader despite the story telling style of writing, so why not.
for the rest of this entry to make sense, I should begin with this. I'm almost 30 and i really like to have my own human baby with half of my chromosome. I probably have everything in life except that, and soul partner. Marriage is not on the top of my list now and it's almost impossible actually. but i do not give up.
So. To get my own human baby, I need another set of chromosome and as a practicing muslim I need a husband for that. oh how i wish i could reproduce by binary fission..human cloning huh?
you see, the more a woman has, the more difficult for her to get someone she can trust enough to spend the rest of her life with. the smarter she gets, the easier she detects the red flags in her prospects. because she is comfortable with her own life, she won't tolerate the defects, no matter how minor it is. her faults, mostly. on top of that, she's not pretty, not graceful, fierce like a lion, head harder than rocks. as those are not enough, she complicates it by being a hopeless romantic, lost in her own insurmountable imagination.
she is a woman. time is ticking. the telomeres are shortening. those eggs are not infinite. the prospects' pool gets smaller. so the search of the legal eligible supplier of the other pair of chromosomes gets harder.
the prospects came. mostly she avoided right after the first salam/hi/hello. the minority that got further, she blocked after 5th messages at most, because she knew they weren't her right one.
few got through though. she allowed, because she thought she could tolerate them, the conversation flows.
but right after the bombs dropped, teeet. she ran and shut the door behind her. why, she's also confused. not once. not twice. (to dudes i did this to, i'm earnestly sorry. it's not you, it's just me being neurotic. hope you all are happy in your life now. you won't read this of course, but i pray for your happiness always.)
I am a planner. I used to plan to get married at 18 years old so that I could spent my uni life with significant someone. well that didn't go well obviously.
so the next stage, 24. after graduation i planned to get married too. then after housemanship. the ship didn't only sail away, it sank and recovered anew.
i now realise that planning is possible in controlled situation, like study,financial planning, travel plan, charity -even that sometimes gets difficult, but at least it's something i can improvise by myself.
getting married is difficult. it involves the other person. i think for me what scares me the most is to trust someone, trust him enough to live the rest of my life with him. what's the guarantee? i want to, of course, live a married life, like my parents, getting old together.
how they married people do it? i want a love so simple that what matters is only mutual love. you know, when i was in psy, i had seen people with impaired cognitive function got married to each other, and they care for each other husband and wife in their best possible way, taking care of each other meds and such. don't ask me whether it's possible/legal, not an expert in that area. i don't envy that life of course, but i want that kind of love. comfortable enough to trust her partner.
in psy also i saw so many wrecked marriages, which sent me curling shut in that hypothetical corner, building these icy walls, harden my head, avoiding all those ordinary guys, while the guys who made extraordinary effort and managed to get through-i shut them after few months.
for that i hate myself.
i am a planner. i won't allow anything bad happens to me, if possible. i frequent drive through because going to restaurant alone requires parking my car and walk alone to the restaurant and that is risky. i only withdraw money inside malls because it's safer, and same goes to my frequent use of debit card. i took up swimming lesson because i was afraid of drowning. i stay near hospital to avoid long journey to work everyday. i only jog inside my apartment compound (it's small so i have to make >10 rounds just to get the pace) because it's safer. and the whole reason why apartment instead of landed house- because it's safer. i avoid patients and work in non-clinical because it's safer (i was almost assaulted many many times when i was in psy, and few times when i was in ed)
the essence to stay safe is thinking of the worst situation, and how to avoid it (primary prevention). when it comes to marriage..haih. if i end up in a bad marriage, i know i will blame myself so hard i will crumble to pieces. and as for now, i think i would rather stay single than gambling myself into marriage.
i am a planner. i plan how to grow old and die alone, even. i started saving on my future nursing home, i took up lifetime insurance.
but i want to get married. i want kids, i want a life partner. i envisioned this since forever.
human are greedy, aren't they?
fairy tales always scrutinize the journey but never the destination. sleeping beauty was cursed into long sleep. the tale told us her childhood, the curse, and the prince's journey and ended with happy ever after after the prince kissed her. snow white, belle and cinderella had their hard lives in told details and ended after they met their princes.
why?
because the destination is not as pretty as folklore painted it.
because those princesses had nothing to lose. cinderella and belle and snow white were too poor/in exile/hated by family (stepmother/sisters), they'd jump at the opportunity to escape that.
because they met in the worst situation, what worse can the future be?
You'll meet the right person at the right time in the right place, they said.
I believe in that, though it gets weaker and weaker. But, how do you know? what if i've passed that opportunity? those failed marriages, didn't they know? will the right person stay right forever?
it is all so confusing and scary, and for that i thank Allah for being a muslim, in sense that i can hope and trust a higher being so powerful yet so protective of me. this question then arises. i am not a good servant, do i even deserve a gift so big, like a soul partner? do i the ever so lowly servant even allowed to beg for one?
this is getting so bleak i'm going to stop here. i shall get my own cat and move on.
oh, by the way, this is not emotional/loneliness/pms talking. i am very rational at the moment, i've been thinking about this for quite some time mostly before sleep, and i feel like i need to let it out.
for the rest of this entry to make sense, I should begin with this. I'm almost 30 and i really like to have my own human baby with half of my chromosome. I probably have everything in life except that, and soul partner. Marriage is not on the top of my list now and it's almost impossible actually. but i do not give up.
So. To get my own human baby, I need another set of chromosome and as a practicing muslim I need a husband for that. oh how i wish i could reproduce by binary fission..human cloning huh?
*****
she is a woman. time is ticking. the telomeres are shortening. those eggs are not infinite. the prospects' pool gets smaller. so the search of the legal eligible supplier of the other pair of chromosomes gets harder.
the prospects came. mostly she avoided right after the first salam/hi/hello. the minority that got further, she blocked after 5th messages at most, because she knew they weren't her right one.
few got through though. she allowed, because she thought she could tolerate them, the conversation flows.
but right after the bombs dropped, teeet. she ran and shut the door behind her. why, she's also confused. not once. not twice. (to dudes i did this to, i'm earnestly sorry. it's not you, it's just me being neurotic. hope you all are happy in your life now. you won't read this of course, but i pray for your happiness always.)
*****
so the next stage, 24. after graduation i planned to get married too. then after housemanship. the ship didn't only sail away, it sank and recovered anew.
i now realise that planning is possible in controlled situation, like study,financial planning, travel plan, charity -even that sometimes gets difficult, but at least it's something i can improvise by myself.
getting married is difficult. it involves the other person. i think for me what scares me the most is to trust someone, trust him enough to live the rest of my life with him. what's the guarantee? i want to, of course, live a married life, like my parents, getting old together.
how they married people do it? i want a love so simple that what matters is only mutual love. you know, when i was in psy, i had seen people with impaired cognitive function got married to each other, and they care for each other husband and wife in their best possible way, taking care of each other meds and such. don't ask me whether it's possible/legal, not an expert in that area. i don't envy that life of course, but i want that kind of love. comfortable enough to trust her partner.
in psy also i saw so many wrecked marriages, which sent me curling shut in that hypothetical corner, building these icy walls, harden my head, avoiding all those ordinary guys, while the guys who made extraordinary effort and managed to get through-i shut them after few months.
for that i hate myself.
i am a planner. i won't allow anything bad happens to me, if possible. i frequent drive through because going to restaurant alone requires parking my car and walk alone to the restaurant and that is risky. i only withdraw money inside malls because it's safer, and same goes to my frequent use of debit card. i took up swimming lesson because i was afraid of drowning. i stay near hospital to avoid long journey to work everyday. i only jog inside my apartment compound (it's small so i have to make >10 rounds just to get the pace) because it's safer. and the whole reason why apartment instead of landed house- because it's safer. i avoid patients and work in non-clinical because it's safer (i was almost assaulted many many times when i was in psy, and few times when i was in ed)
the essence to stay safe is thinking of the worst situation, and how to avoid it (primary prevention). when it comes to marriage..haih. if i end up in a bad marriage, i know i will blame myself so hard i will crumble to pieces. and as for now, i think i would rather stay single than gambling myself into marriage.
i am a planner. i plan how to grow old and die alone, even. i started saving on my future nursing home, i took up lifetime insurance.
but i want to get married. i want kids, i want a life partner. i envisioned this since forever.
human are greedy, aren't they?
****
fairy tales always scrutinize the journey but never the destination. sleeping beauty was cursed into long sleep. the tale told us her childhood, the curse, and the prince's journey and ended with happy ever after after the prince kissed her. snow white, belle and cinderella had their hard lives in told details and ended after they met their princes.
why?
because the destination is not as pretty as folklore painted it.
because those princesses had nothing to lose. cinderella and belle and snow white were too poor/in exile/hated by family (stepmother/sisters), they'd jump at the opportunity to escape that.
because they met in the worst situation, what worse can the future be?
****
You'll meet the right person at the right time in the right place, they said.
I believe in that, though it gets weaker and weaker. But, how do you know? what if i've passed that opportunity? those failed marriages, didn't they know? will the right person stay right forever?
it is all so confusing and scary, and for that i thank Allah for being a muslim, in sense that i can hope and trust a higher being so powerful yet so protective of me. this question then arises. i am not a good servant, do i even deserve a gift so big, like a soul partner? do i the ever so lowly servant even allowed to beg for one?
*****
oh, by the way, this is not emotional/loneliness/pms talking. i am very rational at the moment, i've been thinking about this for quite some time mostly before sleep, and i feel like i need to let it out.
No comments:
Post a Comment