So I screwed up another exam that could change my life, again last month. Unlike last time, this time it was free, I kinda prepared for it (had written 2 notebooks, kept on rehearsing on my mind for the interview, did online quizzes, took online tutorial, asked for past years q ) but I still screwed up, I went to the wrong building on the first day, flunked the mcq, and went total whack job during interview.. needless to say, I don't have to wait until the result comes out to bawl my eyeballs out, I was already tearing even during the interview itself. Luckily I had my lunch before the interview, because I didn't eat anything at all after that the whole day, my stomach ate my grief and itself.
To console myself, I went a bit hypomanic on improving my house, bought an expensive gas hob, expensive as in it costs 4-5 months my oncall allowance, removed that hideous blind at the kitchen and replaced in with RM1k worth of glass, and scouting contractor to renovate the living room because I need 1 huge ass built in cabinet ( 12 X 10 feet), need to remove that eyesore of a functionless pillar and ugly lacy arc. Who knows huge ass cabinet is absurdly expensive, the first shop quoted me RM11k just for the cabinet itself. Well that shop can totally f themselves up. The second shop quoted me RM6k, quite reasonable and the samples look nice but still..I'm waiting for the glass people to come and measure and quote, then another contractor before I go to the second shop. I did have a thought of learning carpentry and do it myself, but knowing me, missing a finger or 2 is probably not worth a few thousand ringgit saved.
Does that deco-deco hypomanic able to distract me away from my grieve? Yes, a lot. The dive at Payar last week helped as well...until today omg now I screwed up again and freaking wish I have done well in that interview and pray really really really really hard to be accepted in the program.
It's well known that I am not comfortable in my current dept, but so far I never screwed up, until today. So I kinda went nut, I had a biohazard case that I really didn't want to open because it's a natural death, the cause of death is apparent and the family is very understanding, but silly me I consulted a specialist 1, of which he asked to open, I refused but he nagged and hung up the phone, and after that I consulted specialist 2 who straightaway agreed and corrected my cause of death. And came the chaos, I needed to update the specialist 1 and of course specialist 1 got pissed and hurled all the not nice things to me, in 2 phone calls. It's been a looooooooong time since I got screamed at, but I guess the 2 years of housemanship really toughened me up, I didn't even cry, and I kept on apologizing (without meaning it of course). And I guess I am now officially the pariah in my dept and I.NEED.OUT! Anyway, in 2nd phone call, he kept on asking "can you follow order?" which of course I answer "can" while completing the paperwork, man I wasn't stupid enough to again poke a pissed dragon with god complex, but really man, are we even military where all your minions need to brainlessly and blindly follow order?You didn't even want to listen to my concern, you imposed on me your "order" and hung up the phone. I don't know about others but I will seek second opinion whenever I feel necessary, especially when the first opinion is exposing me to highly infectious bodily fluid and possible aerosolised pathogens.
In retrospective, I didn't regret it one bit and if time rewinds i would most likely do the same. I consulted specialist 1 because he's oncall and I asked on the spot instead of updating the next day because I did not plan to open at all cost and in case he needs picture, I could still snap it, but I failed to convince him not to open (since he was occupied in nagging why I was so reluctant to open- for me, that was very highly likely PTB on top of the biohazard status and i won't unnecessarily expose myself to infectious aerosols, that room is not fucking negative pressure and fucking connected to MOs room, god knows how long TB aerosols will stay in the air (few hours at least. Hell no) and we got 1 man down to TB and he's on long leave, yes granted he may contracted it outside but nope I'm not taking risk). I understand why he's pissed and it's my fault but I stand by my principles, it's my body and I am protecting it against unnecessary exposure to horrendous pathogens, I care for it much more than I care of my nonexistant reputation, or the specialist's reputation for that matter, in the department. Also, as 1 wise MO said to me during my very first screw-up during housemanship (tearing MC and threw it away-caught red handed right away) - he said, think again, the consequence of my mistake, did anyone die? did anyone lose a limb? (he's an orthobot so he said limb but can be apply as anyone deteriorate?) if the answers are no for all the above, then chin up no biggie we can fix it. I'm consoling myself with that memory.
And now I wish I had done well in the interview...haih..probably I should email the program supervisor and beg for second interview or something, I saw MARA scholarship for master in medicine specifically for that program probably I can beg to get a place in the program then apply for MARA scholarship later or pay it from my own pocket (which means baibai deko impian), I'm so desperate now huwaaaa
(backdated because I'm paranoid like that, writing about my job)
To console myself, I went a bit hypomanic on improving my house, bought an expensive gas hob, expensive as in it costs 4-5 months my oncall allowance, removed that hideous blind at the kitchen and replaced in with RM1k worth of glass, and scouting contractor to renovate the living room because I need 1 huge ass built in cabinet ( 12 X 10 feet), need to remove that eyesore of a functionless pillar and ugly lacy arc. Who knows huge ass cabinet is absurdly expensive, the first shop quoted me RM11k just for the cabinet itself. Well that shop can totally f themselves up. The second shop quoted me RM6k, quite reasonable and the samples look nice but still..I'm waiting for the glass people to come and measure and quote, then another contractor before I go to the second shop. I did have a thought of learning carpentry and do it myself, but knowing me, missing a finger or 2 is probably not worth a few thousand ringgit saved.
Does that deco-deco hypomanic able to distract me away from my grieve? Yes, a lot. The dive at Payar last week helped as well...until today omg now I screwed up again and freaking wish I have done well in that interview and pray really really really really hard to be accepted in the program.
It's well known that I am not comfortable in my current dept, but so far I never screwed up, until today. So I kinda went nut, I had a biohazard case that I really didn't want to open because it's a natural death, the cause of death is apparent and the family is very understanding, but silly me I consulted a specialist 1, of which he asked to open, I refused but he nagged and hung up the phone, and after that I consulted specialist 2 who straightaway agreed and corrected my cause of death. And came the chaos, I needed to update the specialist 1 and of course specialist 1 got pissed and hurled all the not nice things to me, in 2 phone calls. It's been a looooooooong time since I got screamed at, but I guess the 2 years of housemanship really toughened me up, I didn't even cry, and I kept on apologizing (without meaning it of course). And I guess I am now officially the pariah in my dept and I.NEED.OUT! Anyway, in 2nd phone call, he kept on asking "can you follow order?" which of course I answer "can" while completing the paperwork, man I wasn't stupid enough to again poke a pissed dragon with god complex, but really man, are we even military where all your minions need to brainlessly and blindly follow order?You didn't even want to listen to my concern, you imposed on me your "order" and hung up the phone. I don't know about others but I will seek second opinion whenever I feel necessary, especially when the first opinion is exposing me to highly infectious bodily fluid and possible aerosolised pathogens.
In retrospective, I didn't regret it one bit and if time rewinds i would most likely do the same. I consulted specialist 1 because he's oncall and I asked on the spot instead of updating the next day because I did not plan to open at all cost and in case he needs picture, I could still snap it, but I failed to convince him not to open (since he was occupied in nagging why I was so reluctant to open- for me, that was very highly likely PTB on top of the biohazard status and i won't unnecessarily expose myself to infectious aerosols, that room is not fucking negative pressure and fucking connected to MOs room, god knows how long TB aerosols will stay in the air (few hours at least. Hell no) and we got 1 man down to TB and he's on long leave, yes granted he may contracted it outside but nope I'm not taking risk). I understand why he's pissed and it's my fault but I stand by my principles, it's my body and I am protecting it against unnecessary exposure to horrendous pathogens, I care for it much more than I care of my nonexistant reputation, or the specialist's reputation for that matter, in the department. Also, as 1 wise MO said to me during my very first screw-up during housemanship (tearing MC and threw it away-caught red handed right away) - he said, think again, the consequence of my mistake, did anyone die? did anyone lose a limb? (he's an orthobot so he said limb but can be apply as anyone deteriorate?) if the answers are no for all the above, then chin up no biggie we can fix it. I'm consoling myself with that memory.
And now I wish I had done well in the interview...haih..probably I should email the program supervisor and beg for second interview or something, I saw MARA scholarship for master in medicine specifically for that program probably I can beg to get a place in the program then apply for MARA scholarship later or pay it from my own pocket (which means baibai deko impian), I'm so desperate now huwaaaa
(backdated because I'm paranoid like that, writing about my job)
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