random #6

1. Clinical year is surely maturing me. I think i have to step down from my ultimate latecomer title, i no longer sleep after subuh and i take breakfast everyday. Except today because i ran out of bread. I can feel my brain is working better, maybe because of breakfast. But still, doesnt change the fact that i am the stupidest one in my group, i mean, come on, you dont get clever if you dont study. the world is fair. period.--this comes from the new info i got, my groupmates are top ten in the whole batch, which means their grades are like 90% something. man, wth have i done to deserve to be in the same group?? but still, i'm relieved to hear that they really study hard to get such grades, which proved my hypothesis that there is no SHORTCUT in medicine, unlike other courses. and that groupmates, they really are like walking medicine handbook. they answer faster than me googling for answer using the hospital wifi.

2. I think girls do have another growth spurt between 19-21. I seriously think i grow a little taller, and of course, wider. And also emotionally, like when they start to feel the motherly instinct, they like children, they like make-ups, and beautiful homes. I am not saying i like children, but at least i dont feel like murdering them in their sleep anymore. Growing up with two little sisters like mine makes me brutal, please be understanding.

3. My arab friends always told me how they really really want to visit Malaysia, and how nice Malaysia is. Well, superficially they are right. But being the citizen, i despise my country now. I am not surprise if there are riots or bomb attacks or coup de'tat or whatever tomorrow or sooner. For that you sneaky young people like me, you all can start saving money so you can leave your country whenever chaos happen, if you want to buy mortgage you can start aiming for modest suburbs, forget the glamourous cities because those are where attacks are likely to happen, and study well so you can have good job wherever you choose to flee. Patriotism is rendered moot here because we are disappointed in our own country. We hate how newspapers are filled with stupid politics news. we dont care which party rules. we just want a peace country. i cant describe peace, it's too long it worths an entry on its own.

4. Do the leaders of my country have brain? Or are they just some puppets, like the usual conspiracy i've always seen in movies? because if they have brain they dont do what they are doing now. Being leaders they have to tackle the people. and they apparently dont right now. i bet they are puppets, they have to do what they are thwarted with because they have to protect something. you know, like in bleach when ichigo stupidly and blindly went to hueco mundo to save inoue, not knowing inoue willingly went to hueco mundo because she wanted to save him. oh btw, is that renji on the last manga? kt is so twisted!

5. In clinical year, the biggest difference is now you actually see the pain and you feel the responsibility. that works even for the most irresponsible ruthless brat like me. for the whole 3 years in preclinical, i actually studied very blindly. death, cough, chest pain, headache, they are just words i had to memorize for my exams. but now, the pain is real. people are wailing because of pain. and me, i always have like a panic attack every time i see that. there was once i had to take history from this girl, she just had appendectomy, and she kept whimpering and i was stone-like, i didnt know what to do. i cant stand seeing good people in pain. and there was this time when i watched my doctor defibrillated a copd patient who suddenly developed heart block, that was a real emergency moment, just like in movies. i just watched and i felt light-headed, i couldnt feel my face (i'm not sure i was pale or not), and i was wordless. that man was dying! and i saw everything, the nurses rushed for whatever saline and minerals and drugs drs asked. god that was....indescribable. and the first thing i thought was, oh my what did i sign up for?

6. To whoever it may concern, if your parents are forcing you to do medicine, and you dont want to do it, but you cant win your parents because of their veto, i think it is best to be very frank during your interview. i lied to my interviewer, i lied about why i applied medicine. and look how screwed up i am. this is all because of that lies. and why i lied? because of my useless ego, i didnt want to feel rejected, and i wanted to show off that i always excel in everything. serve me right, now i have to take responsibility and use the rest of my life for atonement of that short pleasure.

7. It's been almost 3 months i'm in clinical year. and god knows how many times i forget my labcoat and have to return back. it makes me think, how with this forgetful mind did i passed all those exams? and how will i survive? i am just a simple miracle.

8. despite all the above whines, i still watch movies and dramas every night and study like 20 min/night and i feel guilty aaarghh. i am actually considering to do side job again so at least i realise how much time i wasted and study and gain some money in the same time. trust me with movies and dramas, you never realise time is passed by very quickly.

9. i wish for an automatic handgun right now. i want to shoot smokers and perverts dead.

10. architect is cool, really. really! architect is even cooler than chef. (nedi take note bliz <--please arabic version- muahahaha!)