But it's just the price i pay
Destiny is calling me
Open up my eager eyes
Cause I'm Mr Brightside

You know what I hate the most being an ex-psy MO?

That freaking piece of knowledge (filled with loopholes I don't bother to probe further) of DSM-V that makes me worry about myself. Hypochondriac much, huh?

The thing with psy is, the lack of diagnosis tools. That blurry gray line. What is normal and what is not. Last time, I draw the line at, does it disturb the patient's daily activity, work, sleep and eating habit. But again, how much, to what extent? What change is tolerable, and what is supposed to be tolerable?

Just finished my final exam. I didn't perform well, but i self-calculated everything and i should've passed. The official result will only be out after 25th. I should've passed, I'm confident about that. But I know I screwed up lots of stuff and my writing was pretty much incomprehensible and I heard lots of other people from different departments failed, so I am worried. And worry is the devil's bestfriend.

I bugged lecturers (those who can be bugged) for result, and they hinted we all passed. But no it's not enough apparently to calm me. 

So i subscribed to netflix. Turned out it was shitty af, of all the movies I wanted to watch, only Inception was available wtf. Netflix original movies is pretty basic at best (Enola Holmes), the rest are just, vomit-inducing. I was over it after 4 days. My free hypptv is good enough for me I think, at least it has doctor who, tho season 11 sucks, doctor who is a woman seriously??? I don't buy all this feminism shit, this is like thor giving the hammer to natalie portman, i love her but no hell no.

Then I practiced playing piano. I wasn't any good tho, i rest every 30 minutes and now my shoulders are sore from bad posture maybe. my left hand coordination still sucks but i'm still very new so practise more i guess? Fun fact: I'm always a bit into music, but at 30s, i feel like i want to play it, you know, sometimes you listen to a piece and you feel like this here should be played softer, longer, louder and stuff? and how sometimes a piece just "moves" you? so yeah, but honestly most of them are much more fun to be played on electric guitar, but sadly t really hate pressing guitar strings, cut my fingers after 10 minutes each time i tried (which is >5 times), so i resorted to piano, bought 1 electric piano on sale while preparing for exam. so far not bad, and i realised there are shoulder muscles i didn't know i have to use this much for playing and they are sore now..

I expected to sleep a lot after exam, i mean i slept a lot while preparing, a lot as in, at least 1 hour nap in the afternoon, very very hard to wake up in the morning, I woke up at 9 at the earliest, tried not to sleep back after subuh but i got headache and wasn't any productive so might as well just sleep, then at night after isya' i slept and woke up at 11pm feeling guilty and forced myself to study. I thought i could pay my sleep debt but now i dont feel sleepy much.

And i don't even feel hungry much, i eat 1 heavy meal daily and that's it, which is very unlike me. Normal me usually eat 3 heavy meals consistently (breakfast, lunch, dinner) with many snacks in between but now?

I then distracted myself with book, non-medical of course, and i realised, what am i doing? is it normal? Why do i worry this much? Logically I should've passed, all those ppl said (hinted) we all passed, why this restless feeling? Which brings me to, damn is it hypomanic?

or is it because i was super stressed during preparation, probably suppressed all those dopamine too much and it's like, burst now? got such thing meh?

or i think this is more likely..i was supposed to go diving (at ayaq caq ja la mampu around this time of the year) and pkpb happened, so all those excitement now is being directed to all these activities?

hmm might as well enjoy this while it lasts. and beware of my own cards, so far so good, no crazy splurge yet and i'm going home today, cards and money on freeze at home haha.

I should've start on refining my proposal and find something for case report but those are no fun blueerghh and i might worry more than i already do now. they can wait.

update 29/11:

alhamdulillah, as expected, on 25th, i found out i passed it. tbh, it didn't really ring because i was just verbally told by the head of program, no black and white or such, but since everyone treated us as we've passed, i take it as such then. and when you've been "partying" like crazy right after exam, the result didn't excite me much haha. it was more a relief instead.

so..180 degree life change. good luck, A, on waking up early everyday!! early: earlier by 2 hours than the past 9 months. or more like, goodbye sleep-in huwaaaa. 

now now, coffee. where do we begin? haih i wish i live with my brother. how to get a good cup of coffee WITHOUT the need to wake up earlier? impossible. and don't tell me to drink that dissolvable shit called "instant coffee". man i was spoiled by real coffee i can't return to that shit..

I've done my research. I'm gonna be very dependant on morning coffee i think, gotta list out my options here.

1. Pour-over

Cheap start-up (v60 is rm30 on shopee, filter is cheap, but that metal jug with narrow trunk is quite expensive like rm 150 but noob can probably live without it), if not very fussy, consider quite easy la i mean what's so hard about pouring? easy to clean also, if rushing (as per freaking usual) can throw coffee ground easily with the paper filter into dustbin, chuck the cone into sink and wash after work.

Cons: not really trust myself with pouring hot water, carrying the coffee and drive with it that early in the morning. or i could just probably put it in the pantry, and make the coffee there but a bit malu how? i'm not pro, not snob, i just want a good cup of coffee but malu la orang tengok. haih maybe i should make it in the mo room, see how la. high on list this one, because fairly cheap and doable.  and taste quite good, if i can do like my brother does la.

2. French press

fairly cheap start-up ( cheap fp like rm50 also can get), environmental friendly, and easy to do. easier than pour over, just press. but harder to clearn, need to dig to get all the coffee ground out. i never try, but brother said not as nice as pour over. but i'm not fussy, i don't think i can appreciate the difference. kot.

if this one, maybe boil water before bath, after bath pour the water, let it brew, put on skincare then press. then chuck into sink wash after work. but a bit geli tho, the coffee ground residues sticking..

3. aero press

ok this one like expert already, obviusly not for me la who got time to wash all that? but judging from youtube videos, the coffee is good. 

4. kopi tenom/ uncang

the most reliable, easiest way. maybe i should stick to this. ok la these coming weeks memang will stick to this, confim. but sometimes boring also, the taste bud wants something different also.

5. buy coffee.

the most un-doable ahhahahaha. i don't even have time to wash that pour over cone, where on earth got time to detour to coffee shop? here's to wishing the hospital will host a good coffee shop/machine.

someone should invent caffeine patch la haih all the trouble for just a cup of coffee.

wah chop i googled just now, there is such thing as caffeine patch!!! with mixed review tho. got study some more, but it's like a weak ass study, the result is hmm no effect, probably because of the slower delivery than oral coffee.

come to think of it, probably those (with stable jobs) who abuse stimulants are actually just too lazy to make coffee in the morning. i feel ya, fellow working class heroes, if that's the case.