The right thing will come at the right time

I've started my long leave 3 days ago and now I am spring-cleaning my laptop, gotta make some space available before starting my study. Also, because i need some space to backup my phone,  I bought new phone yo!! Record for the most expensive stuff I bought at lazada (it was flash sale, saved me rm600 from buying outside)

Then I found this..I wrote this last year January. Alhamdulillah I didn't get into that department, it wasn't all lollipop and icecream there. That housemate of mine who got in before me despite applying much later than me, she was stressed there and wished she hadn't transfer..

This is a lesson to me, that all good things will happen in the end, have trust in Allah, put some effort, pray and leave the rest to Allah. Be patient :)


Anyway, i think I didn't write this before. I went for umrah with my parents a month before my entrance exam. I prayed everyday to get into the program, i asked my mom to pray for me too in front of kaabah. getting into the program was 1 of the 3 very specific things I've prayed for and alhamdulillah it came true :). The other 2, 1 came true as well and the other one, I have no clue and I will accept anything.


*****
Jan 2018

I’m a loose bolt of a complete machine

What a match, I’m half doomed and you’re semi sweet

After what felt like an eternity, I finally saw a glimpse of light at the end of this dark tunnel. They promised me a place in where I want to be. About time, huh?

HO life was all about suffering, endurance, innocence and learning.

MO life wasn’t any better. Injustice was rampant. Being nobody, under the radar, awkward personality with zero social grace does not help anyone. Dream? Practicing safe medicine according to guidelines? Effort to read at home? All those are not important, if you fall into any category in the third sentence just now. MO who are from those categories, are not human. You will be counted as numbers in department. Beggars can’t be choosers. And as numbers, your feelings, dreams, future life plan, health (or sickness) are irrelevant.

After 3 years, I almost got there, working in a place I want. But it seems so far now. A colleague resigned suddenly, so my department is a bit tight and my transfer was put on hold.

The vice director told me my time will come, but I still feel disappointed. I knew friends ( because 1 of them is my housemate) who applied for transfer later than me and she was accepted before me. My name was etched in my dream department long before her, but nope I’m still not there. People in that department (and also other departments) kept on contacting me, asking for update why I wasn’t there, and still not there. I’m done of faking smile, creating excuses for my delayed transfer.  I AM DISAPPOINTED TOO, MORE THAN ALL OF YOU DO, DO YOU GUYS KNOW THAT? But that’s just bottled up inside. The daily mask, my daily fake game face is still holding on strong.

I got a friend who said I’m her idol because it was so easy for me to get transfer. 4-5 months in O&G, 1.5 years in psy, now 9 months in forensic and already a place in patho. i took it as a joke, but honestly I felt insulted. It wouldn’t be like this, it should not be like this. I was a good houseman, i got departments wanted to retain me as their MO, I aced every eop exam (ok ace might not be the right word, but I essentially gave them no reason to extend me, and that’s huge, coming from a hospital with the highest rate of extension in the nation). I was so convinced I will do well, be a good and passionate doctor.

But, life happened. At one point while being O&G MO, I felt done. I was done with life, and I do not want to revisit that feeling ever. And I thought I was brainy enough to pass Part 1 MRCP while in psy without proper study leave, oncall almost EOD few days before the exam, and never I imagined not even in my worst nightmare I imagine that the dysmenorrhea will come during the exam itself aaaaarggghhh. I am still shaken every time I reminisce that time oh god I am really not good with failures/rejection.

Because of my bad experience with patients in psy (major reason) and also because I failed my part 1 MRCP (minor reason, I actually planned to retake it but then I made up my mind NO MORE FRESH DIAGNOSING ALIVE PATIENT!), I requested transfer to a new hospital for a new start in a whole new field. Patho. but of course, it was full so I was sent to forensic willfully (because the other choices were O&G –nauzubillahhhhhhhhhhhhhh and ortho- kill me)

So, 9 months in forensic, to be honest, it’s quite an interesting posting. This is the gold standard to learn anatomy. I love the autopsy, but I hate the smell, and more importantly I don’t think I can stand doing it for the rest of my life. The legal burden of my words, dealing with polices, and I am not comfortable with the people..it’s dominated with neanderthal guys, and they smoke!!!!!!!!! Most of the time I speak with low voice, and of course my staff being accustomed to rowdy environment often ignore me. But when I speak louder, I feel and sound like a snobby bitch and I hate that! And I have no friend there, all are just working colleagues.

So, when people said I want out because I want easy life..i  do feel insulted. My life is never easy. When I was in o&g, my calls were so bad that, always, the only times I could sit the entire night were when I stitched whatever cases districts sent that my nurses couldn’t repair. Sleep was of course a luxury I couldn’t afford. In psy, I held the record of the highest admissions per night/call, and i never wrongly admitted patients, all my cases really needed admissions. In forensic, I had 2 disasters and 1 MCI during my calls, with 4 maternal cases in a year. Under 5 cases are too common to count. So tell me which part of that is easy, chill and relaxing?

I don’t care about working hard much. But working hard for something I don’t like, is a waste of energy. I don’t know about anyone else, but for me, I want to work with passion to learn more about it, of which to learn more, I have to further my stude. I know where to draw the line, I will not force myself to like something I don’t, like this forensic, it’s interesting but I know I cannot do this for long term, so I’ll go. And being in the department with no intention to further study sucks. You will hold yourself a lot to give chance to other overzealous colleagues to go for courses/doing study/writing cases etc. Those precious youthful years, gone poof like that, drown in menial job.

That’s life, tho.

My time will come soon. Bersabarlah, A.