It's friday but I'm not home huuuu
By home I mean parent's home, with my cat. I always have this discomfort feeling whenever i'm not home on friday night, because we have the best friday night market which we will go in the afternoon, and just lazying around at night munching all those yummy titbits from the night market.
Dad just got ablated, and mom got freaked out as usual haha she told my brother and me not to come back home this weekend because dad is "radioactive, radioactive whoa oh oh oh". I was telling her about radiation precaution last week and she's gone wayyyy overboard i think, dad had to drive himself home after discharge, and she moved out to my room for this weekend, I mean i told her to sleep separately but she's taking it wayyyy too serious she's not sharing anything with dad now haha. she even uses our toilet, which she last used probably in last decade..*roll eyes*
long story short, I feel a bit lonely and friday night has always been my no-study night (unless I'm really nervous or stressed out) hence this entry.
How's life?
Better than I expected i guess, but i'm nervous though, must study hard to catch up and pass the exam. but yeah, much much much better than before.I love my job now, I don't feel burdened to read, i don't feel completely useless, i got friends and lunch buddies, i can even play dress up to work if i like, or if i ever wake up earlier to be more exact.
Study, it's a lot but i'll try.
anyway, i was scrolling through my friends' ig story and i realise something. like an epiphany. probably it's better to get married and fail than not married at all, provided you got the children custody. i have some friends who are single moms and i'd want that in the future, having kids. i've always wanted kids though it might seem unbelievable to some, I mean, i'm not really a maternal kinda woman. but i've always love gilmore girls and i want to have that mother-daughter bond. i don't want to adopt, because i feel that if the kid turns out to be problematic, i'd regret adopting, blaming the biological parents for the bad eggs and i might return the kid or be a bad mom. if it's my own dna then i have nothing to blame so i can try parenting harder. sounds stupid right, for a single to talk parenting.
but also me, i understand that kid is also a rezeki, just like meeting the future kid's father. I understand that rezeki is limitless and Allah can give it to anyone he wants, but i'm so grateful I got into the program I feel like i don't deserve to get something big and life changing, i mean i totally understand it doesn't work that way, he can grant both no problem but i'm so grateful for being in the program no kidding, like omg this is too big already thank you erm is it ok if i ask for more? something like that. I'm being ridiculous i know but that's how i feel huhu. and honestly all I want now is to pass this program on time, that if the sacrifice means growing old alone, I'd humbly and gratefully accept. I understand all i can do is ask, pray, but what else should i do? i mean, unlike exam which i can study for, what effort should i do to meet the right one, taking my pathological shyness and social awkwardness into account? practically nothing, you know people say improve yourself first, well i'm always improving myself but not for this reason i do it to just feel better, by effort i mean like a male baboon parading his rear bottom to woo the female baboon, or like male puffer fish sculpturing beautiful abstract thing on the ocean floor to attract the female puffer fish, now that's a doable effort. how human attracts the other human is beyond my capability and my limited narrow imagination.
but seriously, getting both my wishes is too much of dreams come true, like out of this world magnitude of dreams come true so if i have to settle with one, please allah let me pass this program on time aminnnn (and give me the courage and capability of growing old alone). passing the program: doable. meeting the right man (knowing me); close to zero probability. I'll pray for both, tho, it's not totally impossible right, i mean, my mental patients found each other and got married and taking care of other, why couldn't i, right?at least after today, i will be more brave to start a relationship because i am not afraid of failure anymore, erm ok now i'm thinking of all those bastards i met/heard during my psy stint..erm ok back to square one, i'll pray for both.
By home I mean parent's home, with my cat. I always have this discomfort feeling whenever i'm not home on friday night, because we have the best friday night market which we will go in the afternoon, and just lazying around at night munching all those yummy titbits from the night market.
Dad just got ablated, and mom got freaked out as usual haha she told my brother and me not to come back home this weekend because dad is "radioactive, radioactive whoa oh oh oh". I was telling her about radiation precaution last week and she's gone wayyyy overboard i think, dad had to drive himself home after discharge, and she moved out to my room for this weekend, I mean i told her to sleep separately but she's taking it wayyyy too serious she's not sharing anything with dad now haha. she even uses our toilet, which she last used probably in last decade..*roll eyes*
long story short, I feel a bit lonely and friday night has always been my no-study night (unless I'm really nervous or stressed out) hence this entry.
How's life?
Better than I expected i guess, but i'm nervous though, must study hard to catch up and pass the exam. but yeah, much much much better than before.I love my job now, I don't feel burdened to read, i don't feel completely useless, i got friends and lunch buddies, i can even play dress up to work if i like, or if i ever wake up earlier to be more exact.
Study, it's a lot but i'll try.
anyway, i was scrolling through my friends' ig story and i realise something. like an epiphany. probably it's better to get married and fail than not married at all, provided you got the children custody. i have some friends who are single moms and i'd want that in the future, having kids. i've always wanted kids though it might seem unbelievable to some, I mean, i'm not really a maternal kinda woman. but i've always love gilmore girls and i want to have that mother-daughter bond. i don't want to adopt, because i feel that if the kid turns out to be problematic, i'd regret adopting, blaming the biological parents for the bad eggs and i might return the kid or be a bad mom. if it's my own dna then i have nothing to blame so i can try parenting harder. sounds stupid right, for a single to talk parenting.
but also me, i understand that kid is also a rezeki, just like meeting the future kid's father. I understand that rezeki is limitless and Allah can give it to anyone he wants, but i'm so grateful I got into the program I feel like i don't deserve to get something big and life changing, i mean i totally understand it doesn't work that way, he can grant both no problem but i'm so grateful for being in the program no kidding, like omg this is too big already thank you erm is it ok if i ask for more? something like that. I'm being ridiculous i know but that's how i feel huhu. and honestly all I want now is to pass this program on time, that if the sacrifice means growing old alone, I'd humbly and gratefully accept. I understand all i can do is ask, pray, but what else should i do? i mean, unlike exam which i can study for, what effort should i do to meet the right one, taking my pathological shyness and social awkwardness into account? practically nothing, you know people say improve yourself first, well i'm always improving myself but not for this reason i do it to just feel better, by effort i mean like a male baboon parading his rear bottom to woo the female baboon, or like male puffer fish sculpturing beautiful abstract thing on the ocean floor to attract the female puffer fish, now that's a doable effort. how human attracts the other human is beyond my capability and my limited narrow imagination.
but seriously, getting both my wishes is too much of dreams come true, like out of this world magnitude of dreams come true so if i have to settle with one, please allah let me pass this program on time aminnnn (and give me the courage and capability of growing old alone). passing the program: doable. meeting the right man (knowing me); close to zero probability. I'll pray for both, tho, it's not totally impossible right, i mean, my mental patients found each other and got married and taking care of other, why couldn't i, right?at least after today, i will be more brave to start a relationship because i am not afraid of failure anymore, erm ok now i'm thinking of all those bastards i met/heard during my psy stint..erm ok back to square one, i'll pray for both.
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