Alhamdulillah I got in!!! For the first time in my working life, I finally got the chance to be in the department I'm interested in. I really hope I can do well, finally. Jotted snippets of the journey to this moment, the start of something new.
April 2018
Followed syida to Mabul for volunteer clinic (honestly I just wanted to dive, volunteered there was just a small price to pay) and met nadiah, syida's friend from houseman time. Nadia was in nuc med (nm for short afterwards) and told me the program is in ippt bertam and penang has nm center. I was hooked right in and asked for materials.
Jun 2018- Jan 2019
Read some of the materials and I loved it esp the nuclear physics, like I finally can relate to whatever hell my brother was talking about. I started to compile notes, watched online tutorials and did online quizzes. I asked for past year questions and Nadiah gave me some very good guidelines on what to read and focus. I then applied for the program online. And passed the first screening like everyone else.
My boss also gave me green light to apply, he signed as the referee.
At this point, I really want to get in. I hate my current job and department and I need to get away from there. I prayed everyday to get in. I was blessed I got chance to go for umrah in Dec 2018, I prayed to get in, and I prayed for Allah to give me strength to redha in case I fail.
For the paper application, I even photoshopped my profile picture and printed new pictures because after almost 3 decades of living, despite my protest, I cannot deny people tend to prefer and be more lenient towards the pretty ones. By photoshop I mean vanishing the zits, removing the eyebags and dark circles and even-ing the skin tone and slightly slimming the cheeks and correcting the lips colour. I still look like me, the me on the good day, not the usual sloppy mortuary me.
3rd week of Jan 2019
Interview. MCQ and interview. I kinda half-half about the mcq, was confident on some, half-half on some and totally clueless on some. I went back and checked my answers (only some, some questions I guess are meant to be unknown, unanswereable and un-Google-able) and I was still half-half. The MCQ was 50 true/false questions with 5 statements per question with negative marking.
And oh, I went to the wrong place for the exam. There were 2 kind of IPPT (of some sort) and instead of trusting the map given in the letter, I trusted the sign board and went to the wrong ippt. found parking, and my shoes decided she's too big for my feet and i still had to walk a distance, only to find out i was in the wrong place and the right place is like 10 minutes away. and the exam was like in 15 minutes..
arrived at the right ippt (after circling the area twice) and I was just in time. I wasn't the last person to register tho so yay me? and my shoes still sucked, luckily that day was like casual day strictly exam only day for me. on the way home, i cursed that shoes for eternity and handed them to my sister forever.
Come interview the next day. D.I.S.A.S.T.R.O.U.S
My name was the second last, but because of the shoes and wrong place fiasco earlier, I decided to come early, with different shoes. The shoes were ugly and informal but it's black and I had no other proper shoes. (note to self: must buy 1 proper formal court shoes). My name was the second last in the list (they arranged it according to IC number) and I was anxious. the interview was like 15-30 mins per person and there were like 7 people before me. at 12, there were still 3 more persons before me waiting for their turn, and i decided I should eat first, my stomach was grumbling noisily as usual and it's getting more and more embarrassing. And because my sense of direction sucks, it took me like 10 minutes to get to the cafeteria (it was unbelievably near but trust me i was so nervous didn't see it the first 5 times i went past it). and of course they called for my turn while i was having lunch..
rushed to the interview waiting room and i was restless and my gastrocolic reflex decided it was the best time to act out. did number 2 and was called for the interview just right after i came out from the toilet.
and the panels were overwhelming me...aargh
the first panel who asked me was nm pgh hod and she asked why i never met her earlier, and why i never visited the dept at least..i was stunned and realised i should've at least pay a visit there to show my interest and how serious i am, but me being me the clueless airhead, it never occur to me to do that..i felt incompetent and getting more nervous, my voice was unrecognizable, and i was lowkey trembling, and i sat at the edge of the chair..then came academic question. very simple, what is ionizing radiation..and bamm i couldn't even answer that omg. my brain went to overdrive, my thought process was like what if i answer that? then they are going to ask me explain the non-ionizing radiation as well and i kinda remember that electromagnetic radiation spectrum and the frequency range but i forgot the range for each type erm was that supposed to be remembered, ah frequency now that's wave thingy, but what if they ask about particle behaviour of photon need to explain ke how it does not has a mass but can hit like a particle omg i'm so stupid I feel like i know nothing..oh yeah i am the master of overthinking, and in real life situation, that's translated to open hanging mouth with single interrupted words. I started to tear up because i felt like that was the end of this nm dream, and another year in my current dept noooooooooooooooooooooo. but the panel probably tried to help or must be a genius or something he managed to string the almost incomprehensible words together and asked some easy close ended questions which i answered.
my tears dropped when the interview finished and they asked if i had any questions. I asked the nm pgh hod if there is any vacancy hahahahah so random. she said no instantly and i cried right away hahahahahahah super embarassing but i was super disappointed with myself i felt like my dream died at that moment and that would mean another year at least in hellhole on earth. she then proceeded that maybe i can come for attachment and suggested me to ask bahagian latihan at my hospital.
i drove home bawling my eyes out like a banshee, and continued crying for 30 minutes more. and i was depressed for weeks.
feb 2019-march 2019
i went through all 5 phases of grief. by march, i gathered myself up and decided i will try again this year, and i will do attachment. I asked bahagian latihan and the kakak was really helpful, but i didn't submit my application yet because who knows i might actually get in. i still prayed for it everyday, for me to redha with whatever the result is. i also binged on books and netflix like crazy in order to drown my grief.
april 2019
people were talking that results will come out on 12th and they were anxious. Me, i kept on comforting them because i was already in acceptance phase haha. look at the bright side, because we applied, we studied so we already gained some knowledge. and it's free, nothing change for worse. and we can always try again this year with better odds. on the day it came out, i was out of town with my girls and i decided i will only check it at the comfort of my own bedroom on my own pc. why? so that in case i fail (very likely) i can take it to bed and sleep it off. also because that is my attitude to problems, check the "decision deadline", gather myself first, get ready with plans for whatever the outcome is then only face the problem.
Nadiah texted me tho, hinting i got in but being me, i was clueless as usual and told her i will only check it when i'm home.
and when the moment came, i just realized i couldn't even log in, i already forgot the password! registered for new password, and noticed the layout was different than last time during application period. it was smaller, and i didn't even know where to look. I considered calling my friend to ask how to check but that would be embarrassing. after 3 times logged in and out, i noticed, "keputusan temuduga: berjaya". that berjaya was hyperlink and i should've click that hahahahaha scatterbrain at its best huh. i mean, i looked at it multiple times but it didn't occur to me it means what it means, my dream comes true! alhamdulillah..
so now, i have to finish writing all my medical reports, filled up the forms and prepare for student life again.. to whoever reading this, please root for me, pray for me to pass this thanks :)
April 2018
Followed syida to Mabul for volunteer clinic (honestly I just wanted to dive, volunteered there was just a small price to pay) and met nadiah, syida's friend from houseman time. Nadia was in nuc med (nm for short afterwards) and told me the program is in ippt bertam and penang has nm center. I was hooked right in and asked for materials.
Jun 2018- Jan 2019
Read some of the materials and I loved it esp the nuclear physics, like I finally can relate to whatever hell my brother was talking about. I started to compile notes, watched online tutorials and did online quizzes. I asked for past year questions and Nadiah gave me some very good guidelines on what to read and focus. I then applied for the program online. And passed the first screening like everyone else.
My boss also gave me green light to apply, he signed as the referee.
At this point, I really want to get in. I hate my current job and department and I need to get away from there. I prayed everyday to get in. I was blessed I got chance to go for umrah in Dec 2018, I prayed to get in, and I prayed for Allah to give me strength to redha in case I fail.
For the paper application, I even photoshopped my profile picture and printed new pictures because after almost 3 decades of living, despite my protest, I cannot deny people tend to prefer and be more lenient towards the pretty ones. By photoshop I mean vanishing the zits, removing the eyebags and dark circles and even-ing the skin tone and slightly slimming the cheeks and correcting the lips colour. I still look like me, the me on the good day, not the usual sloppy mortuary me.
3rd week of Jan 2019
Interview. MCQ and interview. I kinda half-half about the mcq, was confident on some, half-half on some and totally clueless on some. I went back and checked my answers (only some, some questions I guess are meant to be unknown, unanswereable and un-Google-able) and I was still half-half. The MCQ was 50 true/false questions with 5 statements per question with negative marking.
And oh, I went to the wrong place for the exam. There were 2 kind of IPPT (of some sort) and instead of trusting the map given in the letter, I trusted the sign board and went to the wrong ippt. found parking, and my shoes decided she's too big for my feet and i still had to walk a distance, only to find out i was in the wrong place and the right place is like 10 minutes away. and the exam was like in 15 minutes..
arrived at the right ippt (after circling the area twice) and I was just in time. I wasn't the last person to register tho so yay me? and my shoes still sucked, luckily that day was like casual day strictly exam only day for me. on the way home, i cursed that shoes for eternity and handed them to my sister forever.
Come interview the next day. D.I.S.A.S.T.R.O.U.S
My name was the second last, but because of the shoes and wrong place fiasco earlier, I decided to come early, with different shoes. The shoes were ugly and informal but it's black and I had no other proper shoes. (note to self: must buy 1 proper formal court shoes). My name was the second last in the list (they arranged it according to IC number) and I was anxious. the interview was like 15-30 mins per person and there were like 7 people before me. at 12, there were still 3 more persons before me waiting for their turn, and i decided I should eat first, my stomach was grumbling noisily as usual and it's getting more and more embarrassing. And because my sense of direction sucks, it took me like 10 minutes to get to the cafeteria (it was unbelievably near but trust me i was so nervous didn't see it the first 5 times i went past it). and of course they called for my turn while i was having lunch..
rushed to the interview waiting room and i was restless and my gastrocolic reflex decided it was the best time to act out. did number 2 and was called for the interview just right after i came out from the toilet.
and the panels were overwhelming me...aargh
the first panel who asked me was nm pgh hod and she asked why i never met her earlier, and why i never visited the dept at least..i was stunned and realised i should've at least pay a visit there to show my interest and how serious i am, but me being me the clueless airhead, it never occur to me to do that..i felt incompetent and getting more nervous, my voice was unrecognizable, and i was lowkey trembling, and i sat at the edge of the chair..then came academic question. very simple, what is ionizing radiation..and bamm i couldn't even answer that omg. my brain went to overdrive, my thought process was like what if i answer that? then they are going to ask me explain the non-ionizing radiation as well and i kinda remember that electromagnetic radiation spectrum and the frequency range but i forgot the range for each type erm was that supposed to be remembered, ah frequency now that's wave thingy, but what if they ask about particle behaviour of photon need to explain ke how it does not has a mass but can hit like a particle omg i'm so stupid I feel like i know nothing..oh yeah i am the master of overthinking, and in real life situation, that's translated to open hanging mouth with single interrupted words. I started to tear up because i felt like that was the end of this nm dream, and another year in my current dept noooooooooooooooooooooo. but the panel probably tried to help or must be a genius or something he managed to string the almost incomprehensible words together and asked some easy close ended questions which i answered.
my tears dropped when the interview finished and they asked if i had any questions. I asked the nm pgh hod if there is any vacancy hahahahah so random. she said no instantly and i cried right away hahahahahahah super embarassing but i was super disappointed with myself i felt like my dream died at that moment and that would mean another year at least in hellhole on earth. she then proceeded that maybe i can come for attachment and suggested me to ask bahagian latihan at my hospital.
i drove home bawling my eyes out like a banshee, and continued crying for 30 minutes more. and i was depressed for weeks.
feb 2019-march 2019
i went through all 5 phases of grief. by march, i gathered myself up and decided i will try again this year, and i will do attachment. I asked bahagian latihan and the kakak was really helpful, but i didn't submit my application yet because who knows i might actually get in. i still prayed for it everyday, for me to redha with whatever the result is. i also binged on books and netflix like crazy in order to drown my grief.
april 2019
people were talking that results will come out on 12th and they were anxious. Me, i kept on comforting them because i was already in acceptance phase haha. look at the bright side, because we applied, we studied so we already gained some knowledge. and it's free, nothing change for worse. and we can always try again this year with better odds. on the day it came out, i was out of town with my girls and i decided i will only check it at the comfort of my own bedroom on my own pc. why? so that in case i fail (very likely) i can take it to bed and sleep it off. also because that is my attitude to problems, check the "decision deadline", gather myself first, get ready with plans for whatever the outcome is then only face the problem.
Nadiah texted me tho, hinting i got in but being me, i was clueless as usual and told her i will only check it when i'm home.
and when the moment came, i just realized i couldn't even log in, i already forgot the password! registered for new password, and noticed the layout was different than last time during application period. it was smaller, and i didn't even know where to look. I considered calling my friend to ask how to check but that would be embarrassing. after 3 times logged in and out, i noticed, "keputusan temuduga: berjaya". that berjaya was hyperlink and i should've click that hahahahaha scatterbrain at its best huh. i mean, i looked at it multiple times but it didn't occur to me it means what it means, my dream comes true! alhamdulillah..
so now, i have to finish writing all my medical reports, filled up the forms and prepare for student life again.. to whoever reading this, please root for me, pray for me to pass this thanks :)
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