the time when I wish I were married

Getting married is rezeki, I can pray for it but it's not up to me whether I will be getting married or not. Obviously I always want to get married, since 18 people, but tak ada rezeki apakan daya. anyway, now that I have everything (except life partner) getting married isn't as simple as it seems, in fact, I would rather die a  virgin rather than being married to the "wrong" guy.

But, there were (and will be) times I wish I were married. Those time, I just wish I were married, I don't care to whom but I just wish I were married. And those times were when 

omg I couldn't even write it without trembling. i really feel insulted in that situation.

those times were when married guy joked about making me the second wife. I AM NOT SURE HOW THEIR THINKING PROCESS IS, BUT JOKING LIKE THAT TO A SINGLE LADY IS VERY RUDE, INSULTING, OBNOXIOUS, BORDERLINE SEXUAL HARASSMENT. I am never the type who would parade my feminine side in my work place, I never do anything to attract people at my work place (come on, why would I? I am unhealthily, one-sidedly attracted to my forever crush for almost 5 years and counting and I never do anything to let him know, why would I flirt to (forgive me for the lack of better word, i have no problem working with them but trust me whenever they joke about that, they are SCUM) scums at my work place?)

you know the worst part of this? the fact that i am so socially awkward i didn't know how to express my anger in the right way. i haven't explode yet about this, every time they joke about it (they rarely do it because I always avoid them but somehow it happened more than twice already) I just left the room. lepas tu sakit hati sorang-sorang, down 2-3 hari, rasa macam disgrace sangat. what did i do to deserve that kind of joke? I wear appropriately at work, i am never overfriendly, i never talk about personal thing, i am very professional at work. it's not right to joke like that just because i am a single lady. I could explode, but at those times, i felt insulted and sad and self-loathed more than anger that all I wanted was to avoid seeing those scums.

sometimes i wish to just call the guys who tried to woo me to come over at my work place and invite me for lunch just to show to those scums, hoping they would stop making those crude jokes. but thinking of the consequences of giving false hope to people and that the joke might not stop after all, I didn't. I should manage my problem, not creating another problem.

those times also made me realise how married women are more honourable, in a way. and if they ever encounter something like this, they have someone to turn to, someone who would defend them. tak sakit hati sorang-sorang, tak sedih-sedih rasa geli dengan diri sendiri padahal tak buat apa-apa pon yang disgusting to deserve those jokes.

maybe i should try approaching my forever crush, angelina brown-ing him with a simple "assalamualaikum' or something. need to condition myself with rejection from the cat and my baby nephew 1000x first kot, tho, later kena reject (very highly likely) kurang kecewa sikit.

also, marilah study untuk keluar dari situ. aminnnn

and, need to amp up my communication skill, next time they joke like that, I will tell them off professionally.