To you, my forever crush
I'm not sure how/where to start. Heck I'm not even sure when did it start. Was it a crush? Was it an obsession? What's the difference? Or is it love?
You, the one I think of when people ask me anything about my other half. Not sure why, we never even really "talk".
You, who probably only know my name, and maybe my face.
You, the one I put on the pedestal. Not sure why, you weren't perfect, but still..
You, the reason no one else seems right.
Where to start?
This entry is written with initial purpose of drafting what should I say the next time I meet you (could be never) or whenever I built up enough courage to tell you everything (probably takes forever). But even in writing in my non-mother tongue it seems so wrong, so embarrassing.
I have feelings towards you. (let's simplify this sentence as X, because I'm going to repeat this many times from now on.)
So, all these years I've been trying to tell you that. There were good opportunities where I should tell you, but I couldn't, I was clueless, wordless, all symptoms of panic attack appeared. I tried to convey it to you virtually, same, I couldn't.
I planned to let it go. But I couldn't too. Every new guy paradoxically reminds me of you. The bad trait of me. When I want something, I will always go and get it, if I got the second choice, I'll do something until I got my first choice. It works in life in general, you know, shopping and work related, but not when it involves the other person. You are my first choice..hmm.
I planned to let it go, make do without crushing over you, but it's not something I can control. We never connect, but news about you always know how to find its way to me. I was happy for you for most news, but some news are just, hmm. even when they were rumors, it still hurt me somehow. feelings (love?) really makes one a fool I guess. Or probably only moron like me falls in feelings/love like this, yup this one is more likely.
If you ever wonder why I added you on 1 very popular social media platform thrice and ended up removing you from my friends list all 3 times, here's why. Whenever I added you, I had motivation and courage to tell you X. You see, first was when I thought I will never see you again, I thought I was courageous enough to take my chance, but nope. Unfriended you because I told myself I should move on, my parents started to push me and I thought I should start mingling around. Second, I mingled around and I thought of you more and my parents started to really pushed me, so I thought of reconnecting and to tell you X. Then I found out a friend had feelings towards you and you seemed close to her, so I gave up before I even try (I stand no chance anyway). Third, a close friend advised me to take my chance, tell you X, she said the first step is to reconnect, so I did. Well, every time I opened that window to send you message, my hands trembled, my heart raced, I couldn't continue, and by time, I passed that golden window of reconnecting. You know, you add someone, there's that message asking you to say hi, but with time, that message went lower down the inbox and it will be weird if you start the conversation by then. Then, I saw your friends were joking about hmm..more like they tease you about oh ok I couldn't even write this because this is too embarrassing that I could feel bad over something so childish but what to do like my skin and my nose, my soul is too sensitive as well. And I removed you again.Hoping this time it will be forever.
You know, I'm the type that will write so I can read it again, and realise how stupid and useless I am (not that I never realise that, just want it to really "sink" in). I really want to tell you X, but I can't. Besides, what good will it do?
I guess telling you X is more for me than it for you. Like, finally! I want you to at least know why I did what I did, and because people say if not I will regret it more. Also, because it's been so long, getting it out feels liberating. And, because I want to move on.
But since I have tried many many many many times to tell you but I couldn't, I hope writing it on my blog will qualify.
I wish and pray for the best for you. Adios, my forever crush.
*this post is backdated randomly because this is too personal and very undignified.
I'm not sure how/where to start. Heck I'm not even sure when did it start. Was it a crush? Was it an obsession? What's the difference? Or is it love?
You, the one I think of when people ask me anything about my other half. Not sure why, we never even really "talk".
You, who probably only know my name, and maybe my face.
You, the one I put on the pedestal. Not sure why, you weren't perfect, but still..
You, the reason no one else seems right.
Where to start?
This entry is written with initial purpose of drafting what should I say the next time I meet you (could be never) or whenever I built up enough courage to tell you everything (probably takes forever). But even in writing in my non-mother tongue it seems so wrong, so embarrassing.
I have feelings towards you. (let's simplify this sentence as X, because I'm going to repeat this many times from now on.)
So, all these years I've been trying to tell you that. There were good opportunities where I should tell you, but I couldn't, I was clueless, wordless, all symptoms of panic attack appeared. I tried to convey it to you virtually, same, I couldn't.
I planned to let it go. But I couldn't too. Every new guy paradoxically reminds me of you. The bad trait of me. When I want something, I will always go and get it, if I got the second choice, I'll do something until I got my first choice. It works in life in general, you know, shopping and work related, but not when it involves the other person. You are my first choice..hmm.
I planned to let it go, make do without crushing over you, but it's not something I can control. We never connect, but news about you always know how to find its way to me. I was happy for you for most news, but some news are just, hmm. even when they were rumors, it still hurt me somehow. feelings (love?) really makes one a fool I guess. Or probably only moron like me falls in feelings/love like this, yup this one is more likely.
If you ever wonder why I added you on 1 very popular social media platform thrice and ended up removing you from my friends list all 3 times, here's why. Whenever I added you, I had motivation and courage to tell you X. You see, first was when I thought I will never see you again, I thought I was courageous enough to take my chance, but nope. Unfriended you because I told myself I should move on, my parents started to push me and I thought I should start mingling around. Second, I mingled around and I thought of you more and my parents started to really pushed me, so I thought of reconnecting and to tell you X. Then I found out a friend had feelings towards you and you seemed close to her, so I gave up before I even try (I stand no chance anyway). Third, a close friend advised me to take my chance, tell you X, she said the first step is to reconnect, so I did. Well, every time I opened that window to send you message, my hands trembled, my heart raced, I couldn't continue, and by time, I passed that golden window of reconnecting. You know, you add someone, there's that message asking you to say hi, but with time, that message went lower down the inbox and it will be weird if you start the conversation by then. Then, I saw your friends were joking about hmm..more like they tease you about oh ok I couldn't even write this because this is too embarrassing that I could feel bad over something so childish but what to do like my skin and my nose, my soul is too sensitive as well. And I removed you again.Hoping this time it will be forever.
You know, I'm the type that will write so I can read it again, and realise how stupid and useless I am (not that I never realise that, just want it to really "sink" in). I really want to tell you X, but I can't. Besides, what good will it do?
I guess telling you X is more for me than it for you. Like, finally! I want you to at least know why I did what I did, and because people say if not I will regret it more. Also, because it's been so long, getting it out feels liberating. And, because I want to move on.
But since I have tried many many many many times to tell you but I couldn't, I hope writing it on my blog will qualify.
I wish and pray for the best for you. Adios, my forever crush.
*this post is backdated randomly because this is too personal and very undignified.
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