Prelude
This year has gotta be the most disappointing year in my life. i'm now a fully registered doctor in a hospital that shall not be named 2 in a northern region of Malaysia. it's been 11 months actually now i've been here, but i hate it to the core. both the hospital and the town. it's an hour from my hometown, but god it really sucks. it sucks so much, that i impulsively bought a small apartment near my previous hospital (also near my house) so that i can use it as my reason to transfer. i'm pretty sure it's not a good enough reason, but as i said, impulsively so..
i was thrown to work in departments i really don't like. 1st: o+g. i've been praying since med school to never work in o+g in this particular hospital but yeah i'm a sinner so i was thrown there initially for 4 months.
then i asked for emergency or medical department. but yeah, again, i must have sin so much i was thrown to psychiatric department, and still there now, entering my 7 months. i'm still clueless as hell wtf. i really hate my job (but not as much as i hate o+g) that i'd actually thank anyone who'd accidentally tear my ligaments or break some of my bones so i can get MC. it's not the environment, it's that i really hate practising psychiatry, i mean for starter, i really hate talking to people i'm not close to, which includes patients. and here, talking is diagnosing wtf i hate that and i really suck at it. i think i'm the lousiest doctor in my dept wtf and i couldn't study it too because every time i tried, i'd fall asleep faster than taking Xanax. yeah, the privilege tho, Xanax is within reach haha,. tried that once only tho because my heart was pounding and my bp was low so i thought maybe Xanax could calm me down.
Then, i failed for the first time in my life. i kinda expected it already, considering how i blacked out the entire second half of the exam, but still..i went into the examination prepared, fully charged. at the end of paper 1, dysmenorrhea kicked in. stomach grumbling. cramping everywhere, paper 2, poof couldn't think of anything, super dizzy, feverish, nausea because just took ponstan. hungry some more. i was super pale when the exam finished, looked super ghastly in the photo. it sounded like an excuse tho..hah i was really sad about it i cried it to bukit larut for a week. haih where to put face also don't know. and the bigger thing, i'm not good at rejection/failure. it kinda kill my drive. i'm now having doubts, do i really want it. and i'm scared of the repeat exam, what if i fail again? should've check the exam date earlier and sync it with my woman cycle..hah regret also no use now. tu la, rushing to take exam. forgot the menstrual monster. but last time when i was a med student, dysmenorrhea every month, exams also like every month, every week also got, but why so lucky one never overlapped?
****
so yeah this is my lowest low.
then i think of things i should be grateful for.
i realise, since i came here, never once my eczema flare. super magic! but i got this stress urticaria which comes out every time i stress out during the ward round but i'm expert already at not scratching the urticaria so as long as it doesn't come out on my face, it's manageable.
u see, i'm highly atopic. but i'm the luckier one la, atopic but not asthmatic alhamdulillah. my whole family have eczema. eczema is a complex disease, so many classification, so many triggers, and it can come out anytime it wants. finger eczema, discoid eczema, sebarrhoic eczema, irritant and allergic contact dermatitis, all those u can find in my siblings. (but again, alhamdullilah none of them asthmatic too).
i had eczema since, ever. my memory of childhood is a bit patchy, but i remembered i had those itchy vesicles around my mouth and on my fingers and hands since i don't know, 4 y/o? that time we couldn't recognise the trigger so i've been getting the attack and suffered like no one's business. at some point, i couldn't even open my mouth fully esp when it started crusting, and will bleed if i force open.
until i was 10, my doctor thought i was allergic to chicken. like really, chicken? that's my staple diet. so mom started feeding me fish and eggs. so ok for a while. i was only allowed chicken during long school holiday (because mom was kiasu like that, eczema must not interfere my study), and that chicken must be bought from a specific seller because he seemed clean. i really craved for KFC when i was a kid huhu so sad. but it worked. no eczema flare for quite some time.
so we agreed i was allergic to chicken.
then after upsr, i was allowed chicken, and surprisingly i could tolerate most of the usual chicken, so i thought i was ok. then, high school, i went to boarding school. huh. flares like no one's business. i also didn't know what was the trigger, eat chicken also flare, no chicken also flare so obviously not chicken. some more if i wanted to avoid chicken in that school, i'd starve to death. so i persevered. plus, it's a boarding school. if flare, i simply skipped classes haha mom wasn't there to nag.
then, came jordan time. that time, clever a bit. recognised so many triggers.extreme heat, extreme cold, axion dishwasher, raw chicken, some crabs, persil, neomycin powder. there's one time i went to get steroid cream, turned out that steroid cream also had something else other than steroid that trigger my eczema. that time also, clever already, eczema flare, steroid. flare, steroid. flare, steroid. i don't understand why people hate steroid cream. it's a miracle, it works, use it for a short while, no harm one, i even used it on my face because i had sunburn with eczema flare, my face balloned literally with those weeping vesicles omg so disgusting i couldn't look at myself..i skipped classed for a week or two. thank god for the steroid cream, greatest invention alongside penicillin and vaccination.
even until last year, i never did the dishes because my family used axion. mom can only use axion, she's allergic to anything else. in my previous hospital, i still had flares, but mostly due to powdered glove. dreads!
then, come the magic. i now stay in this hospital quarters, and i have axion in my kitchen (because my family only know axion haha), and i used it everyday. but magically no flare. chicken, nah i eat it everyday, still good. powdered glove? hmm used it few times la and so far no flare.
although now comes the new problem, the stress urticaria, it's far more tolerable than finger eczema. at least by the end of day, the urticaria will be gone if i'm disciplined enough not scratching it, and it's far less itchy and of course, less debilitating. and less visible too, because usually it's at the back, abdomen, chest region, sometimes over the limbs. as long as not over the face then i'm good already ahahaha i'm vain like that. 27 y/o not married with no prospect ma, must be vain la.
i don't know what change, but i welcome it and i'm very grateful about it alhamdulillah. i'm outta eczema yeah
This year has gotta be the most disappointing year in my life. i'm now a fully registered doctor in a hospital that shall not be named 2 in a northern region of Malaysia. it's been 11 months actually now i've been here, but i hate it to the core. both the hospital and the town. it's an hour from my hometown, but god it really sucks. it sucks so much, that i impulsively bought a small apartment near my previous hospital (also near my house) so that i can use it as my reason to transfer. i'm pretty sure it's not a good enough reason, but as i said, impulsively so..
i was thrown to work in departments i really don't like. 1st: o+g. i've been praying since med school to never work in o+g in this particular hospital but yeah i'm a sinner so i was thrown there initially for 4 months.
then i asked for emergency or medical department. but yeah, again, i must have sin so much i was thrown to psychiatric department, and still there now, entering my 7 months. i'm still clueless as hell wtf. i really hate my job (but not as much as i hate o+g) that i'd actually thank anyone who'd accidentally tear my ligaments or break some of my bones so i can get MC. it's not the environment, it's that i really hate practising psychiatry, i mean for starter, i really hate talking to people i'm not close to, which includes patients. and here, talking is diagnosing wtf i hate that and i really suck at it. i think i'm the lousiest doctor in my dept wtf and i couldn't study it too because every time i tried, i'd fall asleep faster than taking Xanax. yeah, the privilege tho, Xanax is within reach haha,. tried that once only tho because my heart was pounding and my bp was low so i thought maybe Xanax could calm me down.
Then, i failed for the first time in my life. i kinda expected it already, considering how i blacked out the entire second half of the exam, but still..i went into the examination prepared, fully charged. at the end of paper 1, dysmenorrhea kicked in. stomach grumbling. cramping everywhere, paper 2, poof couldn't think of anything, super dizzy, feverish, nausea because just took ponstan. hungry some more. i was super pale when the exam finished, looked super ghastly in the photo. it sounded like an excuse tho..hah i was really sad about it i cried it to bukit larut for a week. haih where to put face also don't know. and the bigger thing, i'm not good at rejection/failure. it kinda kill my drive. i'm now having doubts, do i really want it. and i'm scared of the repeat exam, what if i fail again? should've check the exam date earlier and sync it with my woman cycle..hah regret also no use now. tu la, rushing to take exam. forgot the menstrual monster. but last time when i was a med student, dysmenorrhea every month, exams also like every month, every week also got, but why so lucky one never overlapped?
****
so yeah this is my lowest low.
then i think of things i should be grateful for.
i realise, since i came here, never once my eczema flare. super magic! but i got this stress urticaria which comes out every time i stress out during the ward round but i'm expert already at not scratching the urticaria so as long as it doesn't come out on my face, it's manageable.
u see, i'm highly atopic. but i'm the luckier one la, atopic but not asthmatic alhamdulillah. my whole family have eczema. eczema is a complex disease, so many classification, so many triggers, and it can come out anytime it wants. finger eczema, discoid eczema, sebarrhoic eczema, irritant and allergic contact dermatitis, all those u can find in my siblings. (but again, alhamdullilah none of them asthmatic too).
i had eczema since, ever. my memory of childhood is a bit patchy, but i remembered i had those itchy vesicles around my mouth and on my fingers and hands since i don't know, 4 y/o? that time we couldn't recognise the trigger so i've been getting the attack and suffered like no one's business. at some point, i couldn't even open my mouth fully esp when it started crusting, and will bleed if i force open.
until i was 10, my doctor thought i was allergic to chicken. like really, chicken? that's my staple diet. so mom started feeding me fish and eggs. so ok for a while. i was only allowed chicken during long school holiday (because mom was kiasu like that, eczema must not interfere my study), and that chicken must be bought from a specific seller because he seemed clean. i really craved for KFC when i was a kid huhu so sad. but it worked. no eczema flare for quite some time.
so we agreed i was allergic to chicken.
then after upsr, i was allowed chicken, and surprisingly i could tolerate most of the usual chicken, so i thought i was ok. then, high school, i went to boarding school. huh. flares like no one's business. i also didn't know what was the trigger, eat chicken also flare, no chicken also flare so obviously not chicken. some more if i wanted to avoid chicken in that school, i'd starve to death. so i persevered. plus, it's a boarding school. if flare, i simply skipped classes haha mom wasn't there to nag.
then, came jordan time. that time, clever a bit. recognised so many triggers.extreme heat, extreme cold, axion dishwasher, raw chicken, some crabs, persil, neomycin powder. there's one time i went to get steroid cream, turned out that steroid cream also had something else other than steroid that trigger my eczema. that time also, clever already, eczema flare, steroid. flare, steroid. flare, steroid. i don't understand why people hate steroid cream. it's a miracle, it works, use it for a short while, no harm one, i even used it on my face because i had sunburn with eczema flare, my face balloned literally with those weeping vesicles omg so disgusting i couldn't look at myself..i skipped classed for a week or two. thank god for the steroid cream, greatest invention alongside penicillin and vaccination.
even until last year, i never did the dishes because my family used axion. mom can only use axion, she's allergic to anything else. in my previous hospital, i still had flares, but mostly due to powdered glove. dreads!
then, come the magic. i now stay in this hospital quarters, and i have axion in my kitchen (because my family only know axion haha), and i used it everyday. but magically no flare. chicken, nah i eat it everyday, still good. powdered glove? hmm used it few times la and so far no flare.
although now comes the new problem, the stress urticaria, it's far more tolerable than finger eczema. at least by the end of day, the urticaria will be gone if i'm disciplined enough not scratching it, and it's far less itchy and of course, less debilitating. and less visible too, because usually it's at the back, abdomen, chest region, sometimes over the limbs. as long as not over the face then i'm good already ahahaha i'm vain like that. 27 y/o not married with no prospect ma, must be vain la.
i don't know what change, but i welcome it and i'm very grateful about it alhamdulillah. i'm outta eczema yeah
*sounded so riak saying outta eczema like that, in my previous experience if riak like that sure flare soon, like when i defaulted that ent tca for allergic rhinitis and told the doctor who asked why i didn't come for appointment that i'm ok, and right the next day nose blocked again and mouth-breathed the whole week*
update 21/3/17: told ya if i brag about something it surely turn the other way. a week after this entry, i had flare again, not sure because of what because nothing changed, all just routine things. and about 3 flares again until now, but all were mild la, lather on hand cream as needed and that's it, no steroid needed.
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