serious whining

* the title says it all. doesnt benefit anyone.

I've been getting nightmares or maybe sweet dreams about studying in a place i love the most. is it a sign? is it just my strong will? whatever happens though, i'm not going. i wont waste my last 3 freaking years away.

i finished a paper, mid-term ugs (urogenital system) last morning (?), and the mark is so-so. i kind of just accepted it, because i played too much. i want to study much, ignore business deals, and personally the slow internet connection is a hidden bless, but i can't. while in some people, they said they cant study something hard because that's their limit, i think in my situation, i cant study much because it's my limit. i really want to study much, but i really cant.

well, i dont expect my friends here understand anything, or even ask for their help in this matter because they are all troublesome annoying bunch who will say, ala, ko dah study banyak takpe la. fart. they are, maybe not all, the type that have read the whole book, highlight this and that, but will say they havent really study. i dont know how much they did study, afterall. besides, there is just no way they will believe me when i said i dont study, basically because i have this nerdy, serious image.

 i can study, for like an hour at max, then i'll go gaming. or money making or skill improving. things like that. i hate it very much. I HATE IT. but i cant escape. it's a bad habit i cant leave, just like trying to wake up after a 3hours sleep when you havent sleep for a week. when i force myself to read after my 'limit', my mind will wander and wander that makes it no point for me to continue. i tried to take a break, go make a drink, and continue reading, but to no avail.

oh, dont suggest study group. my low threshold temper doesnt admit me to study and be patient at the same time. i'm easily annoyed.

is it a punishment for always disturbing my friends studying back in 2006?

but i guess when you have to study something you hate really much, you'll be like me too. kot. i really want my result to be great, and i know i have to study great to have that, but i CANT. i have the bad feeling about this. like i am jack of all trades and master of none, i did this and that, but nothing that i'm expert of. why? why? WHY? even in things i like. you dont know how much time i sacrificed to create that wall, but why it broke so easily in just 10-15 mins? it means nothing but i am a failure.

i know people will advise me with that thomas edison things, but you know, i dont have much  time to afford 100000 trials. world is turning too fast nowadays.

i want to be the best, not because i want money or fame or respect or whatever. i just want satisfication, the feeling i've done enough. right now, it feels like i've done much but all in wrong direction.

i'm ashamed of myself.

about the exam, a man who always dear to me scolded me when i told him my mark. i wasnt expecting that, and it blew me hard.that  man said i dont know what i want. after some thinking, i admit he's right. i dont know what i want. even know. i want too much and it ends up i dont commit any of them seriously. i always use my parent as the reason i took medicine, and blame this point for my low performance. the truth is, back into that time, they did force me a little, i said ok i'll try.

i cant say no. and i'm the type that always can, in everything. and that's my problem. i can do, but i can't say i can excel. i hate this trait of me too.why i always say yes? why i always pretend everything is ok while it's damn not? i want to be more expressive, but i dont know how. or more, i CANT.

i feel like a robot. in a good way, it's good. i dont interfere people's lives, and vice versa. it's peaceful. and solitary. in a bad way, i suppress my potential even more. i lost myself, and i think i evolved into a new person that even i cant understand myself. it's bad. and thats why i dont know what i want. because i'm always ok. i'm ok if i get this, i'm also ok if i dont get this. that kind of "i'm always ok".  AND I HATE THAT.

it's good, but again, what i really want? i dont know. money? yes, but i did good in this field, so no problem here.. friends? ah, this complicated one, no matter how much i want, i can't get them. people hate me by default. and after some very painful failures in friendship, i give up and think it's ok to just live with my current friends. fame? nope, i really treasure privacy and quietude.

redha Allah.

i really hate myself now.