only a genius could love a woman like me

that's from a song btw haha

A lot happened.

I enjoyed my current job so much alhamdulillah, and I enjoy studying it. and i passed my mock yay.

*Edit 21/4: Passing mock is a huge thing for me. I had an accident 1 month before the exam while riding ATV(yup, of all places *facepalm*), lost consciousness for at least 15 min, but my immediate ncct was normal. I had dizziness for a month, and reduced hearing by 30% over my right ear, even until now it has not recover fully. I went to see ENT and did HRCT temporal after he found hemotympanum (was planned for drainage after review hrct), turned out it was my jugular bulb. i have high jugular bulb and sigmoid plate dehiscence.  and I fractured my right temporal. I still have trouble memorizing stuff until now. I was given long interrupted mc, in total, for February, I only went to work less than 10 days. I didn't study at all because I couldn't even move my head freely. When i was better a bit, I had to go for a course in Kelantan, 4 days there, I came back with traveller's diarrhea, as bad as post korea diarrhea but better than amox diarrhea. and that course finished 3 days before mock!!! I had to plan my meal and my diarrhea accordingly as to not interrupt me answering the exam. So when I actually passed it, i am over the moon!! will study more of course, to improve myself and to prepare for final.*

Covid-19 came and said hi to malaysia and kinda overextending the stay. we are in mco phase god-knows-how-much and I am not taking patients for granted again. Never thought I'd say this, but I miss my patients, really. We are back in uni hospital and all general scans are stopped, in spirit of mco. we took turns going to work, 3 pairs and we rotate every day. i was lucky I got to work on last tuesday so i got to see patient for thyroid clinic yay. 

I am a bit paranoid tho, I didn't go back to my parents for 2 weeks already. and now with tightened mco, this week also most probably i cannot go back.

I know some other doctors, the real frontliners are dying at work and it makes me feel useless and guilty for resting at home, but sorry i cannot volunteer myself to help. I'm more a liability than a help, am sure of that. with my poor blood taking skill, my sensitive skin (sure as hell my eczema will flare real bad, weeping and bleeding like o&g time), my bad memory with wards and my temper, the best way i'm helping is by keeping the distance. take my money yo,but not me.

and cooped up at home makes me think of, things. like usual. 

I think it's time. doa saja takdak usaha tak jadi kan. 

so i registered laman mencari jodoh and online dating apps. i mean, i am not going to meet any prospect at work, and other than work i'll be home. or hanging out with friends, who are all female, catching up, dining and shopping, not a damn given to other people when we are out.

I mean, i should try, put some effort then baru boleh kata "i've tried everything but it didn't work" bila nak masuk luxury nursing/old folk's home alone bila tua nanti kan.

this is day 3 of my projek mencari jodoh, found 1 good prospect. his characteristic on the site is perfect, he approached with small talk, so far not bad. funny tho, he asked for my fb. i gave mine, then he asked me to message him on fb if i got time (man dunno how much time i got nowadays haha). then warned me to not stalk him, just message only hahahahhaha noob he thinks i'm gonna give my fb without confirming his identity first is it? before giving out my fb, i already knew how long has he worked at that company, his full job title, his job contacts, his alma maters complete with pointers and already scanning his fb, and found out he knows kyo kusanagi (not that impressive, man my age should know that, kof was big during our time) hahahaha. and judging from comments on his fb, still single.

btw a bit weird he (non-medic, not HCW) has to work everyday during this mco and here i am, working 1-2x/week. hmm this is why i always try to avoid introducing myself as a doctor, because i feel like a quack doctor with MBBS sometimes. 

anyway, hope something good comes out of this aminnn.

pretty sure once this mco is over i won't do something like this so sementara dok ada semangat ni marilah kita mencuba.

*****

Update 21/4

As expected, I have lost the mencari jodoh mojo hahahahaha because I went back to my parents to send back my dad's thyroxine. ok fine that's just an easy excuse, I just missed the neverending good food and tv. Balik rumah, terus terpikir seriously pasaipa nak kahwin?? But bravo tho, this time it lasted almost 2 weeks, good job A! I gotta review some sites so when the mojo strikes back, I know where to go.

T: this time around i didn't use it, but I experienced it for 3 days in 2018: lotsssa cina guys, malay guys all very creepy and suspicious, very hard to swipe right. I hit it off with this one guy but super boring guy, he's so boring I deactivated my account when he was typing. Last year my friends signed me up again and swiped for me for a week because they were worried of me, lagi kesian no guys around that time ahahaha..my friend snapped picture of that notice (no guys around or something like that) and sent it to her husband, her husband, after laughed it off till sob, said he never knew such thing exists. my conclusion: not nice, not gonna try it again.

2 muslimah sites, 2 baituls: suggested by my friends, both are successful stories. I submitted mine in both, a bit tedious, need to upload passport photo, UI in Malay so it feels weird, like urm betul ka aku nak proceed lagu ni? feels more serious. but I was serious at that point of time so I proceeded. Took few days for them to approve the application. the prospects were not my taste and the biggest turnoff: free account is pretty much useless! you have to pay to read messages from the prospects. and it was expensive, like rm40/monthly like that, that's like my toll fare to IPPT monthly weh!!! Nope i am not burning money like that, knowing myself, it's not worth it.

OKc: suggested by my friend and her husband. almost like T but better prospect because they ask lots of questions and try to match with the prospect. found a few prospects initially but all of them were outside here and as usual, boring. ghosted them after 2-3 hi. ok fine i also dunno what to talk to strangers so maybe it's my problem not the prospects. but overall, better than T, except by the 4th day, it became very hard to swipe right, all just trash guys.

CMB: also suggested by the same friend and her husband hahahaha i am their charity case. probably the best of all. it allows you to discover 1-5 prospects/day. initially like 5 people then it limits and renew the prospect (1-3 prospects) at 12 noon daily. good quality prospects. the prospect I wrote above, found him here. he's the only one that i'm still in touch although we are just 2 boring people. must applaud his tenacity to continue chatting with boring me. apart from him, i found 2 other good prospects but both outside here, 1 ghosted me because i replied him worse than siri haha we didn't even pass the what do you do, the other one, i didn't even reply him anything, lazy already.

so today, I deleted all accounts and apps and will continue raising money for my future comfortable nursing home project. it could, or might, be the happy ending I have hoped since I was 18 with the current prospect, but i dare not hope anything. I am after all, just a woman who can't love.

till next time, when the mojo strikes back.